Half truths and lies

I show my naivety sometimes. I expect a whole truth. Warts and all from people.

But I forget that most humans leave out their own flaws and only include he other persons when weaving a story.

I am an honest person. Obviously I too have told half truths but as a general rule I am blunt. Not to hurt anyone. But also not to lie.

A half truth is basically a lie. We all know it. Yet nearly all of us do it. And nearly all of us forgive them. It is just something that boggles my mind!

Big mentioned to our mutual friend that he felt he was given an ultimatum by me about being a friend with me and he didn’t like it. What he failed to mention was that we had been chatting since that “ultimatum”, that we had plans to meet that he cancelled on, and that all through our chats he never once mentioned that he had felt like he was given an ultimatum and he didn’t like it.

So basically.  When I told her that I missed him etc. She reacted to me only knowing his half. When I saw her I told her the rest and of course admitted to the message that could be seen as backing him into a corner. Then she changed her reaction to me completely. 

This has irked me. Grow up man. Grow a pair. Admit that you have done something wrong. That you gave a false hope or that you say you are okay and ready to try and be friends when really you are not in that place because you are hurting a bit more than you would like to admit.

Tell the whole truth. Not a half one. A half one is a lie.

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Done and done

So yeah. Big blow up. It is done.

I sent a message about eight hours later apologising for my part in the argument and expressing my hope that one day we would be friends but I got nothing back.

Thing is. I found myself searching for a one way ticket home for January. And I am not going to lie. It was for him. He said he still had all the feelings for me. He loves me and I love him. But I did my usual thing of pushing too hard and now he just isn’t here. I miss him.

Anyway. I think the homesickness is also getting to me a little. I haven’t not had that horrid sinking feeling in my chest since I got here and it really does suck. I haven’t cried but I just feel the start of a depression coming on. I really do not want to feel like this. Damn black cloud. Go Away. And while that is happening. PC come here.

Anyway. I would say that more dates are happening this weekend. Not sure if I am bothered or not but fuck it. It will keep me occupied. I just won’t get a wax so I cannot make stupid decisions.

I have started my new job. I am seriously hoping that this picks up my mood.

The fourth date

Last night was mine and PCs fourth date. It has been somewhat of a whirlwind.

Four dates in a week and a half. And I can confirm that I actually do like him. And he is good in bed. And he hasn’t done the disappearing act either.

He drives, he has a career, he is childish in personality but communicates and knows what he wants. He isn’t under or over whelmed by me. He fancies me. He might possibly like me more then that but is keeping everything in check.

WHY AM I LEAVING?

Leaving things behind

It isn’t long until I leave. And I have met someone.

Okay, only had one date so far but we seem to have a very similar outlook on life, personality and sense of humor. I really like him. We will call him PC.

We went on a date, met at 7.30 pm and I got home at 3 am. He was a gentleman, he was lovely. He knows Stephen. I know his ex. That is probably why I want to leave Dublin so much, because everyone knows everyone, it is so annoying.

But anyway. I am now faced with leaving everyone I love and possibly leaving someone else that COULD be someone special.

I do have a couple of reservations. My friend has mentioned him before. He was her version Stephen, he didn’t treat her very well. But I am hoping that he has grown up a whole lot since then. I will have to judge it before anything else.

He is also pretty good friends with some of the bitchy friends that made my life with Stephen difficult. I guess that if anything is to happen it would be the WAY he deals with it rather than anything else.

I have got to figure out how much of this is me wanting to have that romance story before I leave and how much of it is me actually liking HIM. Oh fuck. I think I might actually like him.

Poop.

When the ex refers to you

People are most likely wondering how I moved on. I just noticed that one of my last posts was about how I was still madly in love with him, well rather, I was struggling to get over him.

Well, he finished paying back the money that he owed me. He then sent me a few texts asking for his stuff back. The way that he phrased the text messaged just wound me up the wrong way. He was all cold hearted, wanting money if I didn’t have his stuff or if I had damaged it.

Now. Hold up. Have I taken the high road? Yep. Have I had a few questionable moments? Of course. But I have ALWAYS been the better person out of the two of us through this whole thing.

So anyways, I respond that no, he would never get a penny out of me, and yes I have his stuff but I would need a bit of time to look for it. I had moved house.

Now through all of this, he started ranting online about me. Somewhere that he wasn’t registered under his name. He told his cronies that the money had been a gift, basically made out that he was a saint for paying me back. Then he did the worst thing ever. He called me a c**t. Now you may have noticed how I don’t usually block out swear words, but this word is so repulsive to me that I just had to do it.

So that was it. I blocked him from whatsapp, deleted him from FB, texted him the next day to say that his stuff was in work.

This is where it got interesting. I left them in work while I got my colonoscopy. I got back. They were still there. For weeks, they were still there.

So on Thursday I bagged them up. Marched over to his work and left them at reception. I didn’t think it took that much guts until I did it. I left and realised that I am a badass.

I texted him “Your things are down in reception in your job” his reply “Oh. okay thanks”

The next day I woke up to a reminder on my phone. It was Stephens birthday.

I took the higher road and ended up sticking it to the man.

So this is how I moved from blogging about the dickhead and started blogging about the new dickhead.

Dreams are what you make of them

A couple of weeks ago. I had a dream. It was a dream that shook me to the core, and I haven’t been the same since.

Basically, I was in a town that was meant to be Venice, with my ex, my Mam and her ex before this one.

Anyway. My ex took me to this big square. Stood me in the middle and told me he would be back. Suddenly the square got really busy. And a banner came down on the main building.

The square suddenly got really busy but there was something wrong with the banner. Only the last two lines came down “please Shinners”.

Well you can imagine, everyone thought someone was being proposed to. In my gut I knew this wasn’t the case. Everyone was trying to work out who I was. Some bright spark got everyone to sit down that wasn’t me. I started to panic. Anything that I said or did would paint me to be a bitch. No one would understand everything that he put me through.

The rest of the banner came down. It read “love me please shinners” (obviously with my name not my fake one). He didn’t want me to forgive him. He didn’t want to be with me. He didn’t want me to marry him. He just wanted me to love him.

I felt so panicky. I was standing there in the middle of everyone and everyone was staring, not understanding what was going on. Just thinking that there was a man asking me to be with him. I responded with “I do love you but I am trying not to” .

It was a wake up call. It was open and honest. I am trying not to love him anymore. I am fed up of loving him and slowly but surely I am ridding myself of the toxicity of my ex. I want to get rid of him. I never wanted to get over him so much.

So Many Words

Ever have those times that you are so full of words but just cannot find a coherent flow for them?

Ye, well this is me at the moment. There is so much to talk about, being beaten to a job with more money by an ex co worker with less experience (because he is a man)… my birthday and people letting me down… the ex just being my ex… my stomach deciding to spend Thursday evening puking… I could go on.

Basically, I am tired and fed up. I am heading away in just over a week so that is something to look forward to, I am a little broke though.

I am just not feeling life, I am not suicidal or anything, I just don’t want to deal. I want to pick up everything and disappear for a while. I need my ex not to matter, I need him not to exist. I need to be doing more amazing things then him, I need to have an amazing LIFE without him. At the moment, I am living and I have moments of having a life, but I need a life. I need an amazing life without him.

I need to watch a show and not think about him. I need to lie in bed and not miss him. I need to get a text and not think that it is going to be him. I need to not think about him in a day. I need to not mention him in a day.

Thing is, he is still part of my life. The past is too much a part of my present. I am well and truly in his past. It is a strange thing that guys can do, but he has done it perfectly. I believe he has just switched off. Or he just stopped caring.

Anyway. A friend let me down. She is a little self-absorbed but she told me she knew she had been and promised to change. This is a year ago and she is back at her old tricks. She has someone else on the scene so suddenly a friend becomes a lot less important.

I can explain why my birthday was so important this year. I know I am 26. It isn’t a big birthday, no one really gives a fuck about that. But I do. I have had the year from hell. Absolute hell. I needed my friends around me. In the past month I have had a flare and two important dates, our anniversary and my birthday. Both I had to do alone. I never thought I would have a birthday single. I spent most of my day thinking about what we had done on previous years.

Fact is, part of him is turning into the man I wanted, another part is turning into the type of man I hate.

I am trying desperately to not make this another post about my ex. But it seems like that is not working for me! 😛