The Worst

I think the worst time for me isn’t going to bed at night, for that I wait until I am really exhausted and get a hot water bottle. Quick cry maybe but I fall asleep quickly enough.

No. The hardest time for me is the early morning. You know when you wakeup and you see that it is too early? I used to curl around him and wrap myself in and fall back asleep or I used to tell him what was on my mind and then drift off.

Most of my posts recently have been in this time. A time for me to reflect. Too much.

I haven’t spoken to him since Friday. I keep waiting for the ache to go away but it hasn’t. I don’t want to be the weak one and message him. He said he would contact me and ask me how my weekend was. My friend is over from England. But I have heard nothing.

He said that he was going to delete his online dating profile. Wanted to take a break from women and meet someone in the real world anyway. But instead he has changed it. Updated it. Looks like it has been written by someone else too. I really want to message him and tell him he should really change back to average body type as he has it down as athletic arm and it is seriously misleading.

The things that make me Angry

My friend told me that her friend found it easier to get through her heartbreak by making a list of all the things he did to piss her off. So here we go.

He ruined the start of our relationship with all his lies.

He never helped clean without me nagging hi.. Even though I contributed the same if not more money and I also worked full time and I am ill.

He broke up with me on holiday, the only thing that was keeping me going after a really tough year.

He left me while I am still dealing with being diagnosed with Crohns disease. He left me just before I had an appointment scheduled with the neorologist. Which I was so nervous about.

He used to make comments about me and Mam talking to each other a lot and about me not having any friends. Or any friends living in the same country as me. Whichever comment depending on how mean he was feeling.

He never stood up for me or up for himself with other people. Too afraid of upsetting the balance.

He got back in contact with that girl only after he broke up with me. Proving in her mind the theory that I was controlling.

He controlled me by making me feel like I was controlling.

He was always emotionally removed.

He never dealt with his issues.

He gave me Chlamydia.

He told his ex girlfriend what I liked in bed and how I looked naked. This went on for 9 months of her and him playing an awful game and me getting blamed for not being okay that they were “friends”. I forgave him. And wish I never had. I still don’t understand why he chose means fought so hard for me if he never really felt right about us. He blames me for not having her every day for about a year. This is how he made me feel. One day I will post the emails I got from her.

He made me into someone who was insecure. I always questioned if I was his type. If he was happy. If I was enough. I never thought about what I wanted and needed. Until maybe the very end. And then he left.

I will leave it there. You wonder why I was ever with him right?

New Guy

So a man came into my job about a week ago and asked me out.

Everyone told me it was what I needed so I agreed. After he met ne for lunch (I was really busy that week) I realised that it was just too quick and heavy for me.

He just kept fishing. Looking for compliments all the time. It frustrated me because I had just fucked my ex. I couldn’t find him attractive because he wasn’t my ex and he was just too interested in me. After being with someone so emotionally disabled it just bothered me.

I cancelled the date and told him the truth. Instantly felt so much better but then he started texting me again saying it was just friendly meetup if I am interested, nothing serious. He seemed to have taken what I said on board so I agreed. But now he is back to his kind of “flirting” which is just pure fishing for compliments while giving me loads.

It is partially nice and partially too much. I told him that I cannot tell him what I think because I don’t know and I am not going to lie about it.

He gives the impression he wants a wife. He says he wants fun. I was neither. I don’t sleep around and I want to be my exes wife, not his.

I suppose I better go. Not like my love is coming back to claim me.

Decision

I have decided that he has to come back now. I need him back and he will come back now and I am pretty sure I will forgive him. Sure I forgave him for worse didn’t I?

He said today that he loves me but he isn’t in love with me anymore and he wants someone that it is easy with. Not an uphill struggle all the time. I thought we had just gotten to that point. More fool me. I miss him so much I have to sleep with a hot water bottle even though it is boiling, just to convince myself his body is there next to me.

Something I wrote

I wrote this the other day. I sent it into an email to myself so I wouldn’t send it to him 

“I am in pain thanks to you. You shouldn’t have stayed because now all i want is for you to crawl into bed next to me and kiss my injuries better and kiss the sore bits from yesterdays sex better too. I slept so well with you in my. No our. Bed. 

One day you will want me back. I don’t know if i want to turn you down or to take you back. But the worse option is for you not to want me back. Not to try. Not to make me feel special for once. 

No more sex.”

Then I decided I wanted to have sex with him still. Now I am sending him emails about breaks to Berlin. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

He tells me he is happy. So much happier without me. But I didn’t even know he wasn’t happy. I know I should just accept and move on. I cancelled a date with a guy because I couldn’t even face seeing someone that wasn’t him sitting across the table from me. The thought of anyone else even holding my hand fills me with complete sickness and dread. 

I keep of thinking of these grand gestures that will prove my love and make him forgive me. But I keep on forgetting. He left me. It was never that he didn’t know I loved him. It was that he didn’t love me. I have no idea how to deal with this. 

All of this was sparked by two songs that came on in work. Damn you George Michael.