I found myself

Crossing the road without looking today. When I realised what I had been doing, I didn’t care.

I should be worried. But I am not. Honestly. The way I feel. If I had been knocked down, at least it would be a change.

I am miserable.  The boy is miserable because of me too. But on top of that. I don’t believe it is all me. He is doing things and making choices that are hurting me. I have a go at him; but then go above and beyond what is appropriate. Therefore making him hurt just as much as I am.

But then I start to feel worse because I feel like I am driving him away. I have walked around a supermarket in tears today.

I would love

To have a bit of money. At the moment I am really fed up of being so broke it is not even funny.

If I had even a little bit of money I would be out of this place! I have such itchy feet it isn’t even funny. I kind of wish I was working in construction, just so I could join the Irish fellas and go over. I really did love Vancouver.

I found myself daydreaming about America again today. It is nearly a year since I boarded that plane for my life-changing trip. During pilates, I found myself seeing the view from L’s car as we drove over the floating bridge. Seeing all the mountains, snow capped and the lakes.

I need to get out of my life in a while. Just get out. Get out of me. Get out of home. Get out of my relationship. Just for a while. Take a holiday. Someone give me the money please.

Life as I know it

My life is very up and down. I have always known that this was in me. As I have said before, I often get very down.

Well I was down last week. Very down.

The best friend of the boy decided to tell him that she thought I was a control freak and not very nice. She found me disrespectful of him and thought that I was bossy.

Now this opinion she volunteered about me without being asked for it. Decided to tell him who had been in the room while discussing me and what they all thought.

This might not sound like a lot to most people. But to me, I can be very very sensitive. Because of the way people have stabbed me in the back over the years I find criticism like that really hard to take. I hate the thought of someone talking about me behind my back.  Continue reading