I am starting to think that there isn’t a “one” for anyone.

I know, I am late to the party on that one. But I guess, I kept on hoping that that childish, Hollywood thing would come true.

But I really have been thinking about soulmates. I think I have about four of them. None of them have been romantic partners but they are all people that I connect with in a really special way and that cannot be explained.

My mother is one. I am convinced we have traveled through so many lives together and that we just keep finding each other and travelling in any way that we can. It is really lovely and it feels like home as soon as I am around. In fact, just having a bit of physical contact with her recharges mine and her batteries and makes one feel more at peace. I know it probably sounds a bit crazy but it is true.

One of my best friends sent me the most wonderful texts today. I had sent her screenshots of the messages that I sent my “father” and Big. She said that she was sorry that I was going through all of this still. My response? “It’s okay, I had a good year”. Because you know. What more could I want but a good year?

Anyway. Today I got “No matter what happens, know that I am proud. Know that you are brave, you are strong and you are beautiful. Know that without you I (and many others) would be living a half life. Though there may be oceans and continents between us, I will always be here for you my truest loveliest friend and soul mate xx”

How can you ever feel bad about your life when you have such amazing things being said about you? It is something that fills my heart, knowing that I have at least five people in my life that feel this way about me. Okay, none of them will share my bed (apart from the odd spooning session) but there are other people for that. How can anyone really compare to that kind of connection? I demand as much (if not more) from my lover as I get from them. They are there for me through thick and thin and in exchange I am there for them in the same way.

I am a very lucky girl. I may not have my father, or Big. But I have amazing people in my life and I am a very very lucky person.

I have Soulmates.

Role Reversal

I think that there is a time in everybody’s life that they become the parent to their parent. It happens at different times, usually the older they get and the more they need lucking after, that is where the roles reverse.

In my situation it is not that clean cut. I have always been the more organised and the more sensible of the two of us. And it being just the two of us means that it is more visable.

Take tonight for example. I stayed in to nurse my tonsil’s, mother went out with her friend. She comes storming in four hours later giving out drunkenly that her phone has been robbed. That she is sure of the evil couple that did it and the world is going to end.

Now I do get it. Getting a phone stolen is an awful feeling. But when you have had a chilled evening alone and suddenly you are thrown into a chaos of trying to find out her itunes password (she doesn’t know it, I ended up changing it AGAIN because surprise surprise her password is not 1234), trying to find the damned thing, calling the guards and trying to calm her down. Damn the drink. Doesn’t stress usually sober one up?

I don’t mean this to be a rant about my mother. She is really good and has been looking after me a lot for the last few days. But maybe it is the cabin fever that is getting to me or something.

Anyway a trip to the Guards station tomorrow. Hopefully there will be some hottie there!

What would happen?

I am watching a programme about a girl, her blog goes public. 

I got to thinking, what on earth would I do? Well I am pretty sure that no one would give you a fuck. Unlike the programme I am not in school where people care about these things. Also I never talk about the people in work so I doubt they would give a rats ass. 

I would be embarrassed about my life being made public though. The only reason that I started this blog was because I always have a laptop but when I was travelling etc. it was too tough to be bringing a diary with me. 

I love my blog. It is completely me. I would miss it if it was gone. Only two people that I know actually know the link. 

For some strange reason I gave it to the boy. TBH I have censored my posts ever since. But I love him dearly and I tell him almost everything. I don’t lie, but some things are my past and only my past. That is one thing that my Mam has taught me. 

You have to keep some for yourself. There are some things about me that only I know. There are some things that only S knows. And others that only the boy knows. I plan to keep it that way. 

So here is to hoping that no one cares enough about a stupid tiny blog on the big bad internet. 

New York

This is so long overdue that it isn’t even funny.  I mean it has been a month! I actually cannot believe I have been home from America for a month!

Anyway I am going to fill you in on NYC. I loved it there. I mean it started off emotional for obvious reasons (seeing my Mam for the first time in three months) and then it got back to being comfortable between us. The same as normal. Though obviously I have changed a little but things are being adapted now.

So on the first night we stayed out at the airport in the hotel because I arrived in so late (BTW I just LOVE JFK. It lived up to what I imagined it to be). The next day we travelled into the city and I felt like it was a film set. I think it was because I have seen it so many times in the films and programmes that I felt like I had already been there before.

So we checked in to our apartment (nicely situated on the west side of Central Park) and we started to explore the local area. We walked to the Hudson River; well I think it was the Hudson river. It actually doesn’t tell me on Google Maps! Continue reading

Yet again

M doesn’t do what she says she will.

Anyway C (Ms sister) and myself did this mad crazy dance class in the gym, where we were all instructed to “touch ourselves” bit too mad for my liking.  Then after the class we were to meet L and M at the cinema to see one of two films. The first choice was Something Borrowed and the second, Bridesmaids.

On watching the trailer I decided I wanted to see the latter. I have to admit that it was mainly because of Chris O’Dowd. I miss the Irish accent. The last “Irish” man I met over here was named Sean… his family moved over in the 1850s!!! EIGHTEEN FIFTIES I TELL YOU. Anyway M wanted to see Something Borrowed, L didn’t care and so it was up to C. On watching the trailers and deciding that Something Borrowed was 27 Dresses “without the dresses” she also decided that Bridesmaids was the way forward.  Continue reading


So today I stayed in, skyped my Mam for ages and tried to get back into the swing of things.

I think I am feeling better, it is helped that I was surrounded by people all day and of course my Mam brightens every day! I told M that I was feeling bad… she said that she is sure that everything will be fine. The way that she said it made me think that she has never had the depression thing before.

I have decided to go along with my plans to go to Vancouver tomorrow (even though Mam didn’t want me to) and to see how things go. It is only for one night; two days so I figure things can’t get too bad. I am hoping that there is a DVD player in the room so I can watch Father Ted. This always makes me laugh! Continue reading

It is just me

So I get depressed. I mean really depressed. I don’t take anything for it because I am determined to pull myself out of it but my God I get bad.

And I am bad now. I am just spending so much time alone that I find it hard to be happy and see the good things. I can only see the bad. My cloud is back and it is big and black.

Usually my friends and family are so good in helping me but without my support network I struggle.

So today started off OK, it had looked like I had shook it off but then as soon as I was alone again it was back and with vengeance. First I got the bus into Seattle and started the bit of a trek up to Capitol hill. I had been there about 15 mins when I found out that M was planning on going to the cinema with her friend E within 1.5 hours. Continue reading

The place in the family

This experience of living with someone else’s family has opened my eyes to how families function. It has made me look at my own extended family and see the way that it works.

I am not saying that all families are the same, that isn’t even possible but I do think it is interesting to see how your position in the family can change the way you interact with your relations, and even the wider world.

The oldest in the family, I think gets the raw deal. But at the same time I think they like the fact that they didn’t get the best place. They enjoy the power that comes with being the first born, the eldest and therefore the one in control. They got the raw deal in the fact that the parents didn’t really know what they were doing first time around so it was trial and error.

I also have found that a lot of weight seems to be put on the eldest child’s shoulders. They have responsibilities with babysitting etc. And to a certain extent this means that they grow up faster then their siblings do. Continue reading


Happy Easter!

So yesterday I went on this mad bunny bar hop around Seattle. It was good up to a point. I think that the main problem with it was that is started at noon. It meant that by three a lot of people were just too drunk.

I met two Irish guys though. Thought they were funny to begin with but in the end they turned out to be sexist, homophobic, and rude eejits so that disappointed me.  Then L and myself went to this roller disco thing. I was so nervous that I would break something that I wasn’t as out there as I would have hoped.  Continue reading

So tonight

I am GOING OUT! So excited! I have a bed booked in a hostel in the centre of town and I am going with some girls in a similar situation to me that I met on the internet. M can’t go because she has to work (which sucks) but hell I am excited.

It is going to be my first time staying in a non-private roomed hostel but I am sure it will be fine… girls only! So today I Skyped my Mam and now I am going to take it easy. I may go for a bit of a walk around the neighbourhood (purely so my stomach looks flat in my dress tonight) and then I have to start all my night out prep.

Yesterday I managed to find Irish butter and my Father Ted DVD arrived so I was delighted with myself. So after a bit of a shit day it ended well.