There are two main men in my life right now. The guy from work and the guy I was seeing before that started.
I am back seeing him again. We went to the cinema and it was like old times. Just friends that kiss and occasionally spoon. So it was mentioned that we have been seeing each other for four months. We had a laugh. Then carried on like normal. See. Nothing had changed, we still liked each other, we still both knew where is was going (nowhere) and we still enjoyed each others company.
I left and got a text about how easygoing I am. It was nice. We are nice. It is just nice.
Today. The guy I work with basically tore my personality apart. Told me that he felt like he had made a lucky escape. I felt like my heart been completely grabbed. It was awful.
Instead of thinking about comments and things that I said in the short time we were dating, and since, in a way that he would think I would make them. Because. You know. He has known me for quite a while. So you would think that if he thought something dodge about something I had said, that he would have just asked me.
He thinks I play mind games. He thinks that I wanted too much. Accused me of forcing him into a corner. Putting times on things. Being a bitch.
Okay. I will hold my hands up to the bitch. But he really read into things. Saying that I would subtly rub my neck in the shop as a type of dig at him and such. Like seriously? Why would I bother?
I put a time line on things. He asked for time until he wasn’t working with me anymore. I said no. He said that could be a week. I said no. Why? Because he believes my words were meant to force and trap. I told him. Or think I told him. Or rather, I meant. That it wasn’t fair on the first guy? Why? Because I had already cancelled one set of plans with him and it would be mean to mess him around. Guy from work seems to think I said “I won’t wait for a week to decide, otherwise I will go back to my other guys”.
So yeah. Two guys. Two very differing opinions of me. Now. Who is right?
I am thinking that maybe this is the start of the end. The end of my adventure here. I miss my friends. I miss my Mam.
I just really need people that know me. I really need a hug. I really need to know that I am safe.
I shouldn’t have tried to date my assistant manager. I shouldn’t have. But. And there is a big but. He is from home. He is a Galway guy. He is funny. We know the same things, we have the same Irish interests and we both moved here alone. He has a couple more people then me, but on the whole, we are each others best friends. We see each other more than we see anyone else.
It was bound to happen. Everyone knew it was going to happen. They would just see us together and know that there was something a tiny bit magical about it.
I am pretty sure he is in love with me. I love him as a friend anyway and I know that we both feel that. I feel like I ruined the best thing that I have here. Even though the sex went a bit weird.
He has convinced himself that he wants to be single for his time over here. I have messed this up, so he picked arguments and was a bit of a dick so that it would be easier for him to convince himself that it just wasn’t worth it. He has admitted this.
I haven’t got heart break. I have heart ache. Made worse by me seeing him all the time He has an interview and while I know it is best he gets it, I feel nauseous at the thought of not seeing him. Not speaking to him and hearing him laugh all the time.
I really miss home. I am angry that I have ruined a friendship and I really miss my life. I miss having people to call. I just miss being me.
Maybe I just need to go back for a visit. It has been six months. Maybe I need to just go home for two weeks and just re connect with things and remember how things weren’t that great over there.
So. Yeah. I have moved. I have my own place now and I am completely in love with it. Slightly bored the odd time but generally I am incredibly happy here. It is a little attic apartment/studio that is ALL MINE. It is quiet and cheap and warm. What more could I ask for really?
One thing I guess. For it not to be three blocks from where Big lives, and three blocks from where Big works. Awkward.
So my Aussie friend has been getting into my head. I don’t think she means to but being the mutual friend of myself and Bigs puts her in this situation that she just doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. Myself and my Indian friend came to the conclusion that maybe Aussie unintentionally lead to our relationship breaking down. Because lets face it, the amount of information, both verbal and non-verbal that I have gotten from her about Big since the breakup has driven me mad. Maybe we were both getting this when we were together too.
She told him I had been to the hospital! She told me he was upset about me deleting him from Facebook. All this information. So much he said, she said. It is too much.
Anyways. I ran into Big. I saw him today and I just knew that we HAD to talk.
So we did. I still feel quite deeply for him I think. I believe that I am still in shock about it all. Shock isn’t fun. I don’t think I have ever been so blindsided by anyone in my life and I never want to be again. But whatever. I saw him and survived it. I am alive and we both want to tell Aussie to stay out of things. So that is good. Now I don’t have to be the bad guy.
So I ask you… how kinky is too kinky for you?
I love so many sexual acts it isn’t even funny. Some I know about, some I am yet to learn. It is the learning about what I enjoy that really turns me on.
I do worry though. If I was to end up being single again. How will I know that I will find someone else like me? I do draw the line at some point. But what happens if you invest yourself into someone to find out that there is no way that they will do what you want, what you need?
Or what if I ended up finally finding someone I liked in that way to find out that they really wanted, nay, needed something that I just couldn’t give?!
It really is a mine field and it boggles me. If I think about it too much it actually upsets me.
I know that might sound a bit odd to some people, but sex is such an important part of a relationship to me that it is not something that I could just ignore.
I only have sex with people I have feelings for. My number has stayed at the very low two. But I have had an amazing sex life. I have been told that I am a Charlotte in life and then a Samantha in a relationship in the bedroom.
I have yet to find someone like me in enjoyment and attitude to sex. I would love that. And that person would be my soul mate. I know it.
Well this is an archived post from 2012. But I really think that it speaks to my mind right now. But no. My number is no longer two 😛
I can’t fool myself. I am not going to be perfect for anyone. No one is ever going to be perfect for me.
I mean perfect is coming from a similar school of thought on everything. No disagreements. Shared interests and hobbies. Just. Someone that is the exact same as you.
For me. It is the imperfections of someone for you that make you work. It is how you deal with opposing expectations, how you still love each other even when you have a stupid bicker over the television. Those moments. Thats when you are perfect. You are perfect in how you deal with it and stick with it and love each other.
I am by no means looking for my perfect. Every man that I have been with has been a version of imperfect. And I don’t think that there will ever be an absolute match for me. I think I would find that boring to be quite frank.
The more I think about it, I think the reason myself and Big aren’t together anymore is that his love for American football and his need for someone to just “fit in” to his life was just so strong that he decided that my imperfections were not perfect enough for him.
I had a boring date last night. And I can’t help but think that I want someone strong, independent, brave. Someone like me in those aspects. Kind, loving and caring. But the rest. The rest after that can be worked on.
My god. I miss him something terrible.
I am starting to think that there isn’t a “one” for anyone.
I know, I am late to the party on that one. But I guess, I kept on hoping that that childish, Hollywood thing would come true.
But I really have been thinking about soulmates. I think I have about four of them. None of them have been romantic partners but they are all people that I connect with in a really special way and that cannot be explained.
My mother is one. I am convinced we have traveled through so many lives together and that we just keep finding each other and travelling in any way that we can. It is really lovely and it feels like home as soon as I am around. In fact, just having a bit of physical contact with her recharges mine and her batteries and makes one feel more at peace. I know it probably sounds a bit crazy but it is true.
One of my best friends sent me the most wonderful texts today. I had sent her screenshots of the messages that I sent my “father” and Big. She said that she was sorry that I was going through all of this still. My response? “It’s okay, I had a good year”. Because you know. What more could I want but a good year?
Anyway. Today I got “No matter what happens, know that I am proud. Know that you are brave, you are strong and you are beautiful. Know that without you I (and many others) would be living a half life. Though there may be oceans and continents between us, I will always be here for you my truest loveliest friend and soul mate xx”
How can you ever feel bad about your life when you have such amazing things being said about you? It is something that fills my heart, knowing that I have at least five people in my life that feel this way about me. Okay, none of them will share my bed (apart from the odd spooning session) but there are other people for that. How can anyone really compare to that kind of connection? I demand as much (if not more) from my lover as I get from them. They are there for me through thick and thin and in exchange I am there for them in the same way.
I am a very lucky girl. I may not have my father, or Big. But I have amazing people in my life and I am a very very lucky person.
I have Soulmates.
You know by now that I analyse a lot. I analyse current relationships and past ones. I try and learn from the past, I look at my behavior and I look at others towards me and I try to understand and move past things.
A few things that have happened.
My father tried to get in contact, Big has not offered any plausible explanation for the breakup. Be prepared for screenshots lads.
First. The message I sent to Big.
Then, my father, who found me on instagram and sent me a pm.
Excuse the bad editing skills. But WOW it has been a very emotional few days and I am pretty exhausted. I wish I was home so I could get some of that nurturing love that I need.
I know, reading this blog, it looks like I fall in love easily. I really don’t. Both with Big and PC, it was just a feeling of comfort and safety that I automatically felt. I think with PC it was heightened by the fact that it was such a whirlwind. Big is such a mystery. No reason that he has given actually rests easy. I wanted to meet today to get some answers but nadda. He doesn’t think it is a good idea so what can I do? I sent that message to him and if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow lunch I will have to delete him.
Thing is. I just really really miss him. It was two months but it felt like six, he was kind and loving till the very very end and now he has just shut his feelings off and is a stranger. Men do that so well. And funnily enough, he always had a go at me for making swooping generalisations like that about men. Because you know, he is all sensitive and shit. HA yeah right.