Here we go again

This is the only place I can still complain about my relationship even though I am still in it. 

In cyber space people just won’t read my eternal ramblings about the doomed love with the Boy. I know he won’t change and though he says he is trying, he too knows that he won’t. He might change for someone but that someone will not be me. 

In the real world I feel like I have worn the ears off my nearest and dearest. So no matter the hell I am going through on the inside I rarely say anything. If I were friends with me I would have taken me with both hands and shook me so hard that I would collapse. 

I am not saying that everything about him and us is bad. Like today he is doing some maths work and I am so proud of him it isn’t even funny. Asking me for my help. He is so so so cute. 

The downside of this is it is 4.30 pm and I have no plans for the day. He has not told me what his plans for the day are and I will not be able to spend another day off with him together for two weeks. 

Also we haven’t had sex in a week. So you would think he would want to make the most of his time with me wouldn’t you? Nope. He wants to go home tonight. Not stay at mine. Even though I only have a free house at the weekends. It is all just a mess really and it frustrates me and it hurts me. All I really want is to feel like he loves me as much as I love him. 

And I would do anything for him. He even said he knew that himself. It hurts really. 

I need to do this

I need to fix things in my life. I need to do them for myself. I just need to find the strength to do it. 

I don’t like me at the moment and I particularly hate my life. I have a brick wall in front of my face. An ugly, breeze block wall. I am hitting my head against it. I cannot scale it. I cannot knock it down. It is there to stay and I feel small and useless. 

It is like I am continually trying to everything that I can to improve the shit that I seemed to inherit and nothing I do makes even the smallest dent. It is so bad that someone can say something so simple like “You have a nice sense of humour” and I will smile for a week. This is just a sample of how much I feel that I am stuck. 

The last time I felt happy and safe was when I was 14. I had a home then. A place that I felt safe. I had a family close by and friends that I thought I would have forever. Two of those friends are now engaged (to each other) I found out through Facebook. I will not be invited. When I was 14 I was maid of honour. Now I don’t even make the guest list. 

In fact. I know no one that would make me maid of honour. I might be lucky to maybe make two bridal parties (at very best) but even then I would come fairly down in the list.

I was told a few weeks ago (by someone that I had never met before but is a friend of a friend) that “no one likes you anyway”. This went on to the Boy telling me that I seem to have trouble with a lot of people. It must be my fault. I must rub people up the wrong way. 

This is something that I have battled with since my Dad put his new family before me. Since I was in reception in school and I had no female friends because one girl decided that no one was allowed to hang out with me. 

I have had girls stab me in the back. I have had boys call me a prick tease because I had no option then to become friends with boys because no girl would have anything to do with me. I have been manipulated. I have been controlled. I have been physically and mentally abused.

I never ever ever feel like enough. I never feel confident. I will walk away from a social situation and want to just curl into a ball with the worry that I have made yet another enemy without even realising it. 

I cannot even count the amount of times that I have cried myself to sleep. I cannot tell you the amount of panic attacks that I have had. And, even worse then this. I cannot count the amount of times I have contemplated finishing it all. The grief of my mother and my sort-of dad is the only thing that stops me from doing it sometimes. 

You see. Fundamentally. I am a kind and considerate person. I don’t want to cause anyone any harm. I will bend over backwards to help someone that might have tried to destroy my soul a year ago. 

I have been told so many times that I am just too sensitive. 

I am in a relationship that brings out the worst in me. I am in love with someone that I will do ANYTHING for. In exchange. My soul is getting chipped away at. I cannot carry on putting someone else first. I need to do something. Anything. He isn’t going to change is he?

One day I will tell you the whole story.