I need to fix things in my life. I need to do them for myself. I just need to find the strength to do it.
I don’t like me at the moment and I particularly hate my life. I have a brick wall in front of my face. An ugly, breeze block wall. I am hitting my head against it. I cannot scale it. I cannot knock it down. It is there to stay and I feel small and useless.
It is like I am continually trying to everything that I can to improve the shit that I seemed to inherit and nothing I do makes even the smallest dent. It is so bad that someone can say something so simple like “You have a nice sense of humour” and I will smile for a week. This is just a sample of how much I feel that I am stuck.
The last time I felt happy and safe was when I was 14. I had a home then. A place that I felt safe. I had a family close by and friends that I thought I would have forever. Two of those friends are now engaged (to each other) I found out through Facebook. I will not be invited. When I was 14 I was maid of honour. Now I don’t even make the guest list.
In fact. I know no one that would make me maid of honour. I might be lucky to maybe make two bridal parties (at very best) but even then I would come fairly down in the list.
I was told a few weeks ago (by someone that I had never met before but is a friend of a friend) that “no one likes you anyway”. This went on to the Boy telling me that I seem to have trouble with a lot of people. It must be my fault. I must rub people up the wrong way.
This is something that I have battled with since my Dad put his new family before me. Since I was in reception in school and I had no female friends because one girl decided that no one was allowed to hang out with me.
I have had girls stab me in the back. I have had boys call me a prick tease because I had no option then to become friends with boys because no girl would have anything to do with me. I have been manipulated. I have been controlled. I have been physically and mentally abused.
I never ever ever feel like enough. I never feel confident. I will walk away from a social situation and want to just curl into a ball with the worry that I have made yet another enemy without even realising it.
I cannot even count the amount of times that I have cried myself to sleep. I cannot tell you the amount of panic attacks that I have had. And, even worse then this. I cannot count the amount of times I have contemplated finishing it all. The grief of my mother and my sort-of dad is the only thing that stops me from doing it sometimes.
You see. Fundamentally. I am a kind and considerate person. I don’t want to cause anyone any harm. I will bend over backwards to help someone that might have tried to destroy my soul a year ago.
I have been told so many times that I am just too sensitive.
I am in a relationship that brings out the worst in me. I am in love with someone that I will do ANYTHING for. In exchange. My soul is getting chipped away at. I cannot carry on putting someone else first. I need to do something. Anything. He isn’t going to change is he?
One day I will tell you the whole story.