The mess

As I thought. Tonight was a mess. A nightmare in fact.

I ended up leaving, home by 9.30. I just couldn’t handle being there anymore. His date was lovely. A curvy half Zimbabwean, half Irish woman who was just lovely. He acted like a jackass. Not only did he put me in the situation, but he just did not act like a gentleman at all.

My friend aswell. I actually cannot help but blame her also. She should not have invited her date along. I should never have been put in the situation where I was literally in no mans land for the evening. About 5 minutes into the film I walked past him seated with his date right to the front of the place and just left and didn’t return.

I have gotten home, stuffed my face with sushi and cried. I cannot fault the girl but I couldn’t help but think I have more in common with this guy then her. But sure. Don’t we all know that life does not make any sense?

I am just hoping that my stomach recovers. I seriously thought that  was starting a crohns flare but I think it just turned out that I was shitting myself (literally) about tonight.

I actually think I have to go to Canada. I need to get myself out of this situation. I need to spread my wings and meet someone that won’t play games with my heart and body. That would make a change. That would be rather nice actually.

Crying

I haven’t cried in about two months. This might not seem strange to a lot of people but for me it is starting to feel like something is missing.

Crying is very much a part of me. A way that I express myself, a form of stress relief and just a way to calm down.

I don’t know why I haven’t cried. I cannot work out if it is because hormonally I am a little bit more balanced since getting the coil inserted. Or maybe it is just because I am happy. But the thing I am most worried about is if I haven’t cried because I don’t care as much or I have found myself hardened to what is going on around me.

I have always been told that I am “too” sensitive but I have always tried to see this as a positive rather than a negative. I am very in touch with my feelings and emotions and I just cannot possibly justify seeing that as a negative even though many people try to put that on me.

So anyway. I have found myself trying to listen to sad music etc to force it out of me but nothing seems to help. I now have to keep looking for other techniques.

The end

So I haven’t written in quite a while. I am home now. But forget that for a bit.

I am going to recap what I got up to after Portland. I got home and hung out with L quite a bit, also had to get my packing etc. done. Myself and L were meant to go out for a last hurrah on the Saturday but after I pucked in the middle of the cereal aisle of Whole Foods we decided that it was probably not the best idea (I think I got a bug from the train).

Anyway M’s Mam looked after me and mothered me. Which was good because being sick makes you miss your Mam. Continue reading