Anniversary

Yesterday was my one year anniversary of being diagnosed. The day before I got the amazing news that I am in remission.

This could mean that might be taken off meds all together and it is great! I am so happy that I cried in the doctors.

But for me it is sad news too. I remember making that call to Stephen and thinking to myself that everything was going to change. I am angry and upset that he couldn’t last a year of the bad tl get me back to being in remission. I didn’t even get operated on for Gods sakes!

I know in my heart that the crohns sparked the breakup and really I wasn’t happy with him and I am worth so much more than he could or would ever give me. But I gave him all of me for him to treat me like I was faulty at the first hurdle. Yes I have crohns, does that mean that I should be just traded in? Add more stress and financial worry to someone already coping with their life being overhauled.

And to add to that, he did it on holiday with no support around me. And made me feel even more like crap by comparing me to the bitch of an ex.

I am so angry at myself for caring. I stopped for so long, but then I get these pangs of just being pissed at the baldy prick. How dare he finish it with me? Just when I needed him most.

More fool him though. I am worth so much more

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Relationships

I had a conversation with one of my best friends yesterday. She wore my ear off for about an hour freaking out because she was just after working out what kind of relationship she wanted.

She has literally just realised that she wants a relationship with a BDSM edge. She wants a man to be manly. She wants one to take control of the main decisions and to overpower her in the bedroom.

She seems to think that admitting this is going against her heritage. She going against all the strong women in her family. My argument is that a true male dominant relationship can only happen in a loving, equal and respectful home. Otherwise it is just a relationship that is abusive.

What has gotten me dumbfounded is that it has taken her so long to realise this! I have probably known that I like this dynamic since I was about 6… I didn’t understand obviously but I knew that I had a huge crush on my teacher. Why? Because he had the power, that is why. It has continued throughout my life.

Unfortunately my relationships haven’t echoed what I really want. I have gotten men that can control in the bedroom but have the rest of their lives in disarray. Stephen controlled me but not in a healthy BDSM way, he controlled me in the borderline abusive way. He was a douche. Douche and bdsm do not go hand in hand. Douche and douche do.