Can words help?

I haven’t spoken to my cousin in a very long time. We grew up as siblings would but then I moved to Ireland and he didn’t.

Neither of us had fathers, but I have my Mam and as much as I love my auntie, she isn’t as strong as my mother would be. Her heart just isn’t the same. She is fundamentally a bit of a selfish being, while my mother is a fundamentally giving person.

Anyway. I probably have mentioned it at some point. My cousin said some hurtful words to me while I was at my lowest ebb about five years ago. I have brought it up with him and he called me a liar. So I kind of washed my hands of him.

Now. He suffers with depression too. He has been going through a time lately that has made him want to end his life. As much as I didn’t want to get involved the only thing I felt that I could do without giving too much of myself away was to copy and paste a blog post from when I was at one of my lowest points. To try and show him that he has to fix it himself. To show him that it can be done.

I don’t know if my words will make any change. I don’t know if he will man up and admit that he was wrong. I know nothing about any of that, but I do know that I have done the best I can without compromising myself.

Better or Worse?

I saw him today. I am not sure if it was for better or worse. I mean I feel better, tonnes better, but I don’t know if it is because of a slight bit of closure or if I hope. 

I saw him and he looks the same, he talks the same and smells the same. We had a bit of a laugh and it was nice. 

The thing is, in my head he was dead in a way. I was grieving. But now I have seen him, how do I feel? I don’t want to feel better now to feel even worse next week. 

I think if I see him every week I would feel better but would that make me getting over him take longer? The thing is, I don’t want to get over him. He still has issues about his ex and how she treated him. I have been telling him to sort this out for years now and now he is he cannot be with me. 

Can I put up with more drama from him and her? Do I want to? Does he even want me to? I don’t know. He is quite clear; he is happy without me and does not regret his decision to leave me. That is the only thing that he is clear about and pretty much the only thing that I either don’t accept, do not believe or I am just plain delusional about. 

The thing is, today is the first day that I haven’t wanted to kill myself. 

I know I won’t, and it isn’t because of just him. I am just exhausted with shit storm after shit storm in my life. I won’t do it because it would kill my mam. That is an awful way to feel. Only staying alive because of one person. Heartbreaking. I am trying to get help. I really am but it is so expensive and I just don’t feel like anything is going to help because I have no control over any aspect of my life. And heck. I MISS HIM. 

I need to do this

I need to fix things in my life. I need to do them for myself. I just need to find the strength to do it. 

I don’t like me at the moment and I particularly hate my life. I have a brick wall in front of my face. An ugly, breeze block wall. I am hitting my head against it. I cannot scale it. I cannot knock it down. It is there to stay and I feel small and useless. 

It is like I am continually trying to everything that I can to improve the shit that I seemed to inherit and nothing I do makes even the smallest dent. It is so bad that someone can say something so simple like “You have a nice sense of humour” and I will smile for a week. This is just a sample of how much I feel that I am stuck. 

The last time I felt happy and safe was when I was 14. I had a home then. A place that I felt safe. I had a family close by and friends that I thought I would have forever. Two of those friends are now engaged (to each other) I found out through Facebook. I will not be invited. When I was 14 I was maid of honour. Now I don’t even make the guest list. 

In fact. I know no one that would make me maid of honour. I might be lucky to maybe make two bridal parties (at very best) but even then I would come fairly down in the list.

I was told a few weeks ago (by someone that I had never met before but is a friend of a friend) that “no one likes you anyway”. This went on to the Boy telling me that I seem to have trouble with a lot of people. It must be my fault. I must rub people up the wrong way. 

This is something that I have battled with since my Dad put his new family before me. Since I was in reception in school and I had no female friends because one girl decided that no one was allowed to hang out with me. 

I have had girls stab me in the back. I have had boys call me a prick tease because I had no option then to become friends with boys because no girl would have anything to do with me. I have been manipulated. I have been controlled. I have been physically and mentally abused.

I never ever ever feel like enough. I never feel confident. I will walk away from a social situation and want to just curl into a ball with the worry that I have made yet another enemy without even realising it. 

I cannot even count the amount of times that I have cried myself to sleep. I cannot tell you the amount of panic attacks that I have had. And, even worse then this. I cannot count the amount of times I have contemplated finishing it all. The grief of my mother and my sort-of dad is the only thing that stops me from doing it sometimes. 

You see. Fundamentally. I am a kind and considerate person. I don’t want to cause anyone any harm. I will bend over backwards to help someone that might have tried to destroy my soul a year ago. 

I have been told so many times that I am just too sensitive. 

I am in a relationship that brings out the worst in me. I am in love with someone that I will do ANYTHING for. In exchange. My soul is getting chipped away at. I cannot carry on putting someone else first. I need to do something. Anything. He isn’t going to change is he?

One day I will tell you the whole story.