A song says a thousand words

Well not literally, because that would be an incredibly long song, but you know what I mean.

I think you can tell a lot about a persons general mental state by the music that they are listening to and identifying themselves with at a certain period of time in their life.

The reason this occurred to me was because this song:

kept on coming on my workout playlist. I remembered how I used to listen to it and feel every single word. Scream it, feel it and just wanna crumble because it sums everything up for you.

The time in my life that is summed up by this song is pretty shocking. I remember it striking for me when I had just moved in with Stephen. Why did I put myself through that? Why didn’t I wake up and see that this is just not the right song to be listening to at that stage in my life?

Anyway. Enough of that prick. I have to update you all on Dickwad. He has been screwing around. He has been screwing around in his house, the one he shares with my friend, his sister. He has had a revolving door of girls that have come back to the house and had sex with him. I don’t know if he needed cocaine to get it up for them but fuck it!

Really drunk in Spain it occurred to us to send a picture of me giving a thumbs up from my friends account through FB messenger. I actually give up on myself! Haha, part of me feels sorry for him. I am sure he probably thought he could fuck me and just leave it go, but nope. I am there around every corner. And I am not going anywhere, just because he cannot behave like an adult.

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Oh and for anyone that is wondering… this is the song that sums up now for me.

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Crying

I haven’t cried in about two months. This might not seem strange to a lot of people but for me it is starting to feel like something is missing.

Crying is very much a part of me. A way that I express myself, a form of stress relief and just a way to calm down.

I don’t know why I haven’t cried. I cannot work out if it is because hormonally I am a little bit more balanced since getting the coil inserted. Or maybe it is just because I am happy. But the thing I am most worried about is if I haven’t cried because I don’t care as much or I have found myself hardened to what is going on around me.

I have always been told that I am “too” sensitive but I have always tried to see this as a positive rather than a negative. I am very in touch with my feelings and emotions and I just cannot possibly justify seeing that as a negative even though many people try to put that on me.

So anyway. I have found myself trying to listen to sad music etc to force it out of me but nothing seems to help. I now have to keep looking for other techniques.

Dance with me

For nearly three years we had a regular conversation. It went something like this:

“Dance with me please”

“I don’t dance”

“Just once please”

“No Shinners, just leave it”

Okay. So he didn’t dance. I also never heard him sing, not even happy birthday, in three years. But anyway, about dancing.

So he never danced. I love to dance, I dance burlesque and I love it. I used to dance salsa, and I loved that, I wanted him to join me and be my partner. Three valentines days went past and I was hoping that he would take me dancing. Nadda.

We went to a nightclub with my friends once, myself and two of my friends (one guy and one girl) and he stood in the corner and didn’t move.

He went out twice this weekend, both nights he danced. He danced to the music he hates, and that I enjoy. He danced, he sweated and he moved. He also pulled twice.

Was it that I was just not the girl to make an effort for? I just keep on thinking that everything that he has done since we broke up is him being him. I don’t like some of it, but I like other bits. I just think he didn’t want to do it with me. If it was his ex, I think he would have done everything for her. But I was never her. I was never going to be her. And he still wants her. He still messages her when he is drunk. When will he realise what he had (me) and what he is chasing? He is chasing a lie.

I always thought he would hear this song, and be filled with regret. Maybe he won’t. We were never sunshine and daisies and we are better off without each other (well I will be one day) but maybe we should never have been together.