Repeating

What do you do when you find yourself repeating the same patterns again and again?

I am sure that everyone does it. I find myself doing it again at the moment and I just cannot snap myself out of it. How do you stop yourself from falling into the same pitfalls? Mine is that I see someone, I like them, nay, love them and they have their faults. All of the guys I fall for are sweet and considerate (at the beginning anyway) and kind of geeky. But they are also damaged in someway.

We all have our shit. But I own my shit. I have waded through my shit until I was neck deep and nearly drowning. I reached down and I got that fucking plug and I pulled it. I was covered in it, but I have owned it. I washed it off and I learnt from it.

Why do so many men out there not admit that they have issues? We have all had those relationships that have filled us with this dread and these feelings that just rear their ugly heads in any relationship that we get into.

So many women out there own it. They go to counselling they deal with it all. Men? They just brush it under the rug and let it rule all the decisions that they make later. I am trying not to lump the sexes all in together but I am talking about me and the guys that I seem to get in with.

I get to this stage where I compromise so much so early on just to keep the guy that I end up not compromising at all! Just giving up on my dream. I nearly sent the message “If you can do long distance for six months and come visit me at least once I promise to come home in January”. How on earth can I promise someone something like that and be happy with it?! Sure right now I would love to go home but my gut is telling me to stay (plus I don’t think my bowels would like me to make that journey again).

I am not going to send that message. It is fucking absurd of me to even think about sending that message. I decided that I want someone that will travel. Hell. I want someone that wants me enough so move the earth to be with me. I don’t want someone so afraid of how much they could hurt because of the pain that they have felt in the past that they will not make the effort now. We all know I would make all the effort. But I just don’t want to do it alone again.

What to do

I haven’t an idea about what to do.

This situation is unlike anything that I have been in before and nothing like I ever wanted to be in.

I miss him but I am still getting to know him. It is the strangest thing. We skyped yesterday and he was just so MEH about it all so I lost the rag. I told him that if he didn’t want to do it then not to. I am the one that is away from everyone not him.

He isn’t vocalising anything that he wants or feels in the thoughts that if he doesn’t vocalise it then he won’t get hurt. Obviously that isn’t how it works.

So I just had to tell him that if he couldn’t do it, the longer he goes on giving a bit, the more I would get hurt, and he would get hurt either way.

Thing is, it has only been a week. He won’t have phone sex. He won’t sexy talk. He hasn’t booked any flights. I miss him.

I have to say. Alarm bells have been ringing when he thinks it is weird to think about spending any longer than two days with someone. Something that he has never done. He is twenty frigging nine. No holidays or anything with a girl. Weird? The weird bit isn’t spending that much time with someone, it is having never done it!

Also. Job seeking in a new country fucking sucks. Can’t do anything incase I spend too much money and I am bored senseless. Hours on the internet sending email after email after email.

Skype

It is an amazing thing. Keeps you connected to everyone back home and makes you feel thag little bit less alone.

I have three interviews coming up!  Busy busy but all exciting. All three are career interviews. Still in retail but all with movement available. 

PC and I Skyped. Felt like he was half hearted and not into it so I gave out to him. He apologised and told me that he is all in. Thing is. I think he would love it here.

He thinks if he doesn’t say the words he won’t feel it. It is wholly frustrating to me as I am an expressive person. But he has a chance, if he screws up it is done, too early in the relationship for that.

Seriously love him though.

Things have swapped

So things have changed again.

We are speaking still, he is going to try to visit me. However, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t think he can cope with that title and making himself be in a long distance relationship.

So we say we love each other. Talk all the time. He is trying to come over and visit. BUT even though neither of us are looking for anyone, we can date (as long as we tell the other person and the same with sex). I do get it. If neither of us are looking for a date then I doubt it will happen as long as we stay offline. In fact, it is probably more likely that a man will ask me out randomly then him asking another girl out.

So that is it. I guess I am okay with it. I am okay with it as long as he does visit.

I do have one reservation. He is 29, never been in a relationship longer than eight months and has never been on holiday with someone. Probably why I am so keen for him to come over. We can call it quits if we drive each other mad.

ALSO. He fell in love with me just after the second date. Eeeeeek. When I speak to him and am around him, I feel like a Princess. I loves him.