Half truths and lies

I show my naivety sometimes. I expect a whole truth. Warts and all from people.

But I forget that most humans leave out their own flaws and only include he other persons when weaving a story.

I am an honest person. Obviously I too have told half truths but as a general rule I am blunt. Not to hurt anyone. But also not to lie.

A half truth is basically a lie. We all know it. Yet nearly all of us do it. And nearly all of us forgive them. It is just something that boggles my mind!

Big mentioned to our mutual friend that he felt he was given an ultimatum by me about being a friend with me and he didn’t like it. What he failed to mention was that we had been chatting since that “ultimatum”, that we had plans to meet that he cancelled on, and that all through our chats he never once mentioned that he had felt like he was given an ultimatum and he didn’t like it.

So basically.  When I told her that I missed him etc. She reacted to me only knowing his half. When I saw her I told her the rest and of course admitted to the message that could be seen as backing him into a corner. Then she changed her reaction to me completely. 

This has irked me. Grow up man. Grow a pair. Admit that you have done something wrong. That you gave a false hope or that you say you are okay and ready to try and be friends when really you are not in that place because you are hurting a bit more than you would like to admit.

Tell the whole truth. Not a half one. A half one is a lie.

100

Wow. 100 people follow this little blog. I know on the grand scale of things it is only a small amount of people. But to me it is huge.

I haven’t told anyone who I am. So none (actually one) know who I am. The rest just follow/read about my daily life and usually the drama that seems to follow me around.

To mark the big 100 I am going to tell you about a mistake that I always, always make and never learn from. Trying to be friends with an ex in order to keep them in your life.

Shinners. You are not wired that way. When you love you love with your whole being. You cannot turn that into friendship within a week or two. Or even a month. No way. You are just going to hurt yourself by keeping on checking when he was last online and wondering if he is looking at you too.

When I was with Big. I was so easy going and relaxed. If he didn’t text back. I was never worried. I had him. He made me so comfortable and confident that I never doubted his intentions with me for a second so I didn’t worry about it. Now I don’t have him? Fuck me I have gone cray cray. Every time my phone goes I hope and wish it is him. My heart goes every time it vibrates. Every. Single. Time.

So yeah. Stop pretending that it is something you can try when you just really want him to see you just so you can see him and you want him to just change his mind.  Because you know what?  He won’t because you don’t like American football, you don’t just “slide in” to his life and you can’t have frigging kids.

And he could have had something real with you. And that freaked him the fuck out.

So fuck him and his fucking friendship.

Mental

I have been so unbelievably mentally busy that I completely forgot to update this.

Life has just been non-stop. So much so that I have only just started to feel homesick.

Firstly. Health. I did have a tough week with my stomach but then I started my period so panic over! I have had three periods in five weeks though but I think it is my coil finally settling in. I now also have a cold but sure that is part and parcel of life and having no immune system isn’t it?

Second. Work. Work has been mental and I have just received a promotion. Within six weeks I have been promoted and given a new store to open as Store Manager. It is basically unheard of and fairly shocking but exciting all the same. I am not happy with the money that they have offered me but I am looking at going to a career adviser anyway to maybe look at getting out of this aspect of retail. I am exhausted with so many long hours and sporadic starting times my body is just tired (which I think has also lead to the cold).

Thirdly. Friends. So I have steadily been making and keeping friends, both here and at home. My Mam and my best friend back home have both booked flights over so one is over at the end of October and the other is coming over at Christmas. This is very exciting. I just got back from a weekend away with a friend over here. We went to Whistler. It was nice but part of me feels that I give more to that friendship then what I get back from her. But sure. Plenty more time and plenty more people to meet in my travels.

And lastly. Boyfriend. Through the previously mentioned friend, I met my boyfriend. Mr B. He is both perfect and flawed. We have both been single for a very long time and have been in long relationships that didn’t last. In his case, he was married. It is actually taking us both a lot of getting used to adjusting to eachother. It probably doesn’t help that he is American so sometimes the communication is a little stilted. But yeah… we will see how it goes. Sometimes he makes me so happy that I picture everything with him. Other times… not so much. I am going to give it a bit of time but sometimes he goes all school teachery on me which makes me feel a little bit controlled. I really don’t want Stephen 2.0.

But the sex is frigging incredible. Like. OMG. Amazing. Him and his big penis. Yum.

Right well now I have to go because I am all turned on again. Even when he isn’t around he has this effect on me. Mad about the man I am.

Getting under to get over

I wrote a post about this before I believe. The thought process behind people telling you that in order to get over someone you must be ready to fuck someone else.

I personally think that this is complete and utter bullshit. However. And this is a big however.

This time I think it might just be what I need. I don’t think I need to have sex with someone else but I certainly need to chat to a few guys and maybe go on a date or two.

Enter Tinder.

I don’t know if Tinder is going to be better or worse in Canada, I just know that everyone I have spoken to here said that it is nearly impossible to meet guys out and about here, they tend to be fairly clicky when out and don’t leave their group to have the chats.

Yesterday I had decided to focus on getting a job, but it seems I already have a job lined up, then I wanted to make friends, but it seems that I am already doing that. SO it seems that all that is left is to get out there and date. Eeeekkkkk.

On a completely different note. I have made a friend. She is an Aussie girl, really cool, very different from me but in a complimentary way. She decided to tell me that she is newly single and has decided to try to meet other women, just to see what happens.

Interesting thought. I am in a new country, no baggage, I know no one. What do I want to try? The world is my oyster.

Tinder and the modern face of dating

This is me procrastinating. I am meant to be attempting to write a short story and I just cannot face it right now… This feels like me and college. I really don’t want to be this way.

Anyway an update. I matched with one of my friends brothers friends (are you still following me?) on tinder. I didn’t have a clue who it was. When I am looking at group pictures I literally just look for the reoccurring guy and didn’t notice that dickwad was in a couple of pictures with him (that is his new nickname FYI).

This is where the weirdness starts. He knew who I was, asked dickwad what I liked and started asking me about Always Sunny in Philadelphia and I hadn’t a clue how he knew I even watched it!

Anyway, I realised who he was, unmatched him. Dickwad was telling my friend about it. The whole thing was so screwed up it is unreal. I feel like I have suddenly regressed into school where people asked you to go out with their friends!

Anyway. I met dickwad and his mate last night. The mate was sound, lovely guy actually. Dickwad behaved kind of ridiculously. Staying in his room till friends arrived. Barely talking to me, didn’t even look at be for Gods sake! Well at least I looked hot and he looked fairly coked up to his eye balls.

Before I arrived my friend told him I was coming around and asked him if it would be weird. His response “Erm… I don’t know… I think she erm likes me”

My friend just told him to cop the fuck on and said that I probably did before he became a prick.

So either neither of them like me and just want to ride me as I have a name of being easy, or both of them like me, or I don’t give a crap.

I think I am going to go for the latter option. They can keep eachothers bed warm I think. The wonders of anything on Tinder. Hotbed of drama.

Relationships

I had a conversation with one of my best friends yesterday. She wore my ear off for about an hour freaking out because she was just after working out what kind of relationship she wanted.

She has literally just realised that she wants a relationship with a BDSM edge. She wants a man to be manly. She wants one to take control of the main decisions and to overpower her in the bedroom.

She seems to think that admitting this is going against her heritage. She going against all the strong women in her family. My argument is that a true male dominant relationship can only happen in a loving, equal and respectful home. Otherwise it is just a relationship that is abusive.

What has gotten me dumbfounded is that it has taken her so long to realise this! I have probably known that I like this dynamic since I was about 6… I didn’t understand obviously but I knew that I had a huge crush on my teacher. Why? Because he had the power, that is why. It has continued throughout my life.

Unfortunately my relationships haven’t echoed what I really want. I have gotten men that can control in the bedroom but have the rest of their lives in disarray. Stephen controlled me but not in a healthy BDSM way, he controlled me in the borderline abusive way. He was a douche. Douche and bdsm do not go hand in hand. Douche and douche do.

Why didn’t you just say that?

If you were in to fatties and I didn’t do it for you, why didn’t you just say that?

If I still wasn’t big enough even after steroids, why didn’t you just say that?

If you didn’t want to deal with sick me, why didn’t you just say that?

If you thought the grass would be greener without me, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted to just go out drinking with the lads more, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted someone like your mother in looks and personality, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted to be lazy and not feel guilty about it, why didn’t you just say that?

Thing is. You text me. Wanting to know what I am doing, how I am, then you fuck another girl. Two big girls since me. You treat both like shit.

You know what? I don’t want to hear whatever you want to say now. You are a lazy, self centred dick that made me feel bad about myself. Made another girl apologise about her experience in the sack and didn’t even walk the next girl to the bus stop the next day.

You are a dick. You are fugly, fat, lazy, and unintelligent. And talking and treating other people badly helps you feel better about you and your average (at best) penis.

This post might sound like I am angry. I am actually smiling while typing. This is the last of it out of my system 🙂

I love me. I love my family. I love my friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 😀

Celebrating

Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂

Who?

We all have those things that you need people for. Me maybe more than others with my health and breakup.

But who do you call when you need someone? This is the problem I have been facing recently. I have a huge schedule of hospital appointments next week and Mam is away and I no longer have himself. So who do single people away from home call?

I have never been in this situation before. I have a brain scan and I am freaking out about it so I have to have someone with me.

I always though shows like Friends had it wrong. How reliant they were on people that are not even related. But suddenly I am feeling it too. I am utterly blessed with the people around me. I have one person coming with me and another 3 on the waitlist of people to come if she cannot make it. And those are only the people I told!

But it is scary. I am 25 and this is not the situation I thought I would be in when I was nearly 26. I curse him for everything that he has taken away from me. I have absolutely no stability. This I can never forgive

No More Love

I cannot seem to link a youtube page on my phone. I am telling you that you will not be sorry though. The song is amazing and powerful. It actually sums up how I feel about my ex perfectly. He was a lying bastard. He still is. Spineless and very selfish and lazy.

At a time of need I asked him to be here for me. We have been trying to be friends. I hated asking him. I hated myself. But he still somehow made it about him. And he hasn’t been here at all for me.

It really reaffirms the fact that even though I love him still. I will never be in love with him again. I could never and will never trust him. Even as my best friend.