A song says a thousand words

Well not literally, because that would be an incredibly long song, but you know what I mean.

I think you can tell a lot about a persons general mental state by the music that they are listening to and identifying themselves with at a certain period of time in their life.

The reason this occurred to me was because this song:

kept on coming on my workout playlist. I remembered how I used to listen to it and feel every single word. Scream it, feel it and just wanna crumble because it sums everything up for you.

The time in my life that is summed up by this song is pretty shocking. I remember it striking for me when I had just moved in with Stephen. Why did I put myself through that? Why didn’t I wake up and see that this is just not the right song to be listening to at that stage in my life?

Anyway. Enough of that prick. I have to update you all on Dickwad. He has been screwing around. He has been screwing around in his house, the one he shares with my friend, his sister. He has had a revolving door of girls that have come back to the house and had sex with him. I don’t know if he needed cocaine to get it up for them but fuck it!

Really drunk in Spain it occurred to us to send a picture of me giving a thumbs up from my friends account through FB messenger. I actually give up on myself! Haha, part of me feels sorry for him. I am sure he probably thought he could fuck me and just leave it go, but nope. I am there around every corner. And I am not going anywhere, just because he cannot behave like an adult.

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Oh and for anyone that is wondering… this is the song that sums up now for me.

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Lust

Lust is such a strange thing really. Feels a bit like love but mixed with imagination and infatuation.

I am in lust with dickwad. It is a burden that I have to carry as I am in lust with a man that I don’t know. In my head he is the mixture of the perfections and imperfections of the guy that I met that night but with none of the coke and all of the feeling like he is just not ready for me yet. That he is tortured, just out of a relationship and wants to make sure his feelings for me are true because he feels like he could fall for me.

The reality of course is that he was on a date tonight with a girl that he met on tinder. He knows that I was on a date last week so it could be a reaction to that but who am I fooling?! I mean nothing to that man other than an easy lay. Why else would he give his friend his blessing? He really gives zero fucks about me.

I need to get over this before the holiday. I don’t think his sister gets the whole lust thing and I really don’t want that conversation about him.

To sum up my last few days…

Everything that has happened, has been the result of a Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole.

Dickwad.

Something I wrote

I wrote this the other day. I sent it into an email to myself so I wouldn’t send it to him 

“I am in pain thanks to you. You shouldn’t have stayed because now all i want is for you to crawl into bed next to me and kiss my injuries better and kiss the sore bits from yesterdays sex better too. I slept so well with you in my. No our. Bed. 

One day you will want me back. I don’t know if i want to turn you down or to take you back. But the worse option is for you not to want me back. Not to try. Not to make me feel special for once. 

No more sex.”

Then I decided I wanted to have sex with him still. Now I am sending him emails about breaks to Berlin. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

He tells me he is happy. So much happier without me. But I didn’t even know he wasn’t happy. I know I should just accept and move on. I cancelled a date with a guy because I couldn’t even face seeing someone that wasn’t him sitting across the table from me. The thought of anyone else even holding my hand fills me with complete sickness and dread. 

I keep of thinking of these grand gestures that will prove my love and make him forgive me. But I keep on forgetting. He left me. It was never that he didn’t know I loved him. It was that he didn’t love me. I have no idea how to deal with this. 

All of this was sparked by two songs that came on in work. Damn you George Michael.