I show my naivety sometimes. I expect a whole truth. Warts and all from people.
But I forget that most humans leave out their own flaws and only include he other persons when weaving a story.
I am an honest person. Obviously I too have told half truths but as a general rule I am blunt. Not to hurt anyone. But also not to lie.
A half truth is basically a lie. We all know it. Yet nearly all of us do it. And nearly all of us forgive them. It is just something that boggles my mind!
Big mentioned to our mutual friend that he felt he was given an ultimatum by me about being a friend with me and he didn’t like it. What he failed to mention was that we had been chatting since that “ultimatum”, that we had plans to meet that he cancelled on, and that all through our chats he never once mentioned that he had felt like he was given an ultimatum and he didn’t like it.
So basically. When I told her that I missed him etc. She reacted to me only knowing his half. When I saw her I told her the rest and of course admitted to the message that could be seen as backing him into a corner. Then she changed her reaction to me completely.
This has irked me. Grow up man. Grow a pair. Admit that you have done something wrong. That you gave a false hope or that you say you are okay and ready to try and be friends when really you are not in that place because you are hurting a bit more than you would like to admit.
Tell the whole truth. Not a half one. A half one is a lie.
If you were in to fatties and I didn’t do it for you, why didn’t you just say that?
If I still wasn’t big enough even after steroids, why didn’t you just say that?
If you didn’t want to deal with sick me, why didn’t you just say that?
If you thought the grass would be greener without me, why didn’t you just say that?
If you wanted to just go out drinking with the lads more, why didn’t you just say that?
If you wanted someone like your mother in looks and personality, why didn’t you just say that?
If you wanted to be lazy and not feel guilty about it, why didn’t you just say that?
Thing is. You text me. Wanting to know what I am doing, how I am, then you fuck another girl. Two big girls since me. You treat both like shit.
You know what? I don’t want to hear whatever you want to say now. You are a lazy, self centred dick that made me feel bad about myself. Made another girl apologise about her experience in the sack and didn’t even walk the next girl to the bus stop the next day.
You are a dick. You are fugly, fat, lazy, and unintelligent. And talking and treating other people badly helps you feel better about you and your average (at best) penis.
This post might sound like I am angry. I am actually smiling while typing. This is the last of it out of my system 🙂
I love me. I love my family. I love my friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.
So I spoke to the ex today. I was going through and deleting old texts and I just thought I would call him to catch up.
I asked him about counselling, asked him whether or not he was still going. I also asked him about his ex.
For once he told me the truth. He is not at counselling anymore. He feels like his main issue, which was his ex, has been resolved.
So I asked him about the ex. She had contacted him. They met up. Turns out, she showed her true colours to him that night. The colours that everyone had told him was there and what he had managed to ignore or what she had managed to hide for 5 years.
He told me that she contacted him and they met up. He said that she acted weird from the beginning, flirting a lot and then with more drink on her, she started behaving like he was bothering her to strangers and then picking arguments with him.
Now, I am well aware that he is a stinking liar and there are two sides to every story. But the fact that he told me. And he actually apologised for putting me through all this drama. It is just mad wrapping my head around the fact that it wasn’t all in my head. It is her head. She is a crazy ass bitch and he has been a stinking liar.
They would make a great couple right?
Anyway, she has moved to Southampton to be with her boyfriend (poor him!) and I am sure that it just will not be mentioned to him; or there will be another lie told. I kinda think that drama follows my ex and his ex around. Silly people. You want drama? Get Crohns.
ANYWAY. This has provided me with at least some closure. He didn’t lie again and we were on the phone for over an hour just chatting. It was kinda nice and just rounded things off.
I have gone from feeling amazing to feeling back at square one.
I had an amazing day on Tuesday, lovely customer after lovely customer, compliments all round for me.
One of the customers was a psychic. She was lovely. Told me that I am going to write a book, that I am a writer. Obviously she knows nothing about this blog and nothing about my degree. So this was a real shock. She said I will write exactly how I speak.
Now I know you don’t all know this, but I am actually pretty funny. I just sometimes find it hard to put it into writing. So maybe this is something that I need to work on. Anyway. She also said that there was someone in my past that used to put my sense of humor down all the time. She said that they did this because they were jealous of me and my education because they were uneducated.
Now my ex was a clever guy. But he never even passed the leaving. I encouraged him to go back and study to do it again, but he bailed. He always said it wasn’t a problem but I never got how it didn’t bother him. I never put him down about it but I did encourage him. Is it possible that he put me down to make himself feel batter about that? Telling me that my degree was worthless.
My boss whom usually hates me actually picked up on the fact that I know my shit and I was asked advice and complimented on my organisational skills. I was actually given extra responsibility. This is great for my CV even for nothing else.
Anyway great day. But then I got tired and things went downhill. I have not slept properly in 4 nights and I am living on borrowed time. I am pretty sure the ex got back in contact with the bitch and this breaks my heart. He is talking like he will never get over her. This is how he should be talking about me. Not her. What was I? A three year rebound after 2 1/2 years of singledom? How my heart breaks.
Anyway. I got herbal sleeping tablets last night and I slept like a log until my sobs woke me up. No one was there to hold me. Sure the one person I wanted there was the reason that the sobs wracked my body so hard that I woke myself up. My face was soaking and I couldn’t breath. Horrible right?
Anyway.Today on the bus I realised there is not a single song that is making me feel better about the whole thing. Music is so important to me. There is a song for most times in my life. Most times in my life I have worked through with the help of a song that just puts into words and movement my feelings in a way that I just cannot.
I have been missing this. And I think that for me it is an important part of moving on. Irreplaceable worked for a little while but I felt a little too Crazy in Love for it (see what I did there?!) Taylor Swift, Damien Rice, Beyonce, Glen Hansard. NADDA.
Then the above song just did it. Everything is so true. Well apart from the river. Everything else is right. Therefore. I am going to do something I never do and post the lyrics.
“I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake
My friends had you figured out
Yeah, they saw what’s inside of you
You tried hiding another you
But your evil was coming through
These guys sitting on the wall
They watch every move I make
Bright light living in the shade
Your cold heart makes my spirit shake
I had to go through hell to prove I’m not insane
Had to meet the devil just to know his name
And that’s when my love was burning
Yeah, it’s still burning
I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake
Each time that I think you go
I turn around and you’re creeping in
And I let you under my skin
‘Cause I love living in the sin
Boy you never told me
True love was going to hurt
True pain I don’t deserve
Truth is that I never learn
I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake
Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
No more haunting baby
I keep going to the river
I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake”
I did feel insane. He made me feel insane. All my friends did see through him. I do still love him. But he is seriously a demon. It is actually crazy, but I have this song on repeat and every time I hear it I feel so much better.
I wonder if he remembers that tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of our first date. And our proper anniversary is in a month.
These dates mean nothing now I guess. I still think if my first ex on the 23rd May. But I highly doubt I will ever cross either of their minds. Men don’t get dates I guess.
Part of me thinks it would be nice to get a text. But knowing what I know it would be insincere.
Readers, I don’t often address the readers of my blog. If I think about people reading it too much I think I would stop writing it.
But tonight, after chatting with my ex on the phone, I would love to know peoples. Thoughts on some things.
The first. How much is too much? How much can your heart take before it stops wanting to love again?
Which straw breaks the camals back?
How do you trust again?
At what point do you stop caring?
Why do people lie? And why do you seek the truth from people that lie? Why is their truth worth listening to? I gave my ex enough rope to hang himself with. He hung himself good. He knows I know he is lying yet still won’t come out and tell the truth. This was awful in our relationship. But even now I think it is worse. Before he could lose me with the truth. Now, he could just respect me by telling me the truth. Nothing to lose but maybe my respect. God knows he lost that long ago. I lost it for myself even longer ago. There are things that I know that I shouldn’t know. But when is it time to say enough is enough, I don’t care if you always lied and never respected me?
He is so good at lying that you start to doubt the concrete evidence.
So I just want to tell the story of my relationship from the beginning. Mainly to clear my own head in a safe place.
I met the OH online. We started to date and we didn’t click in person at all. But by text he was lovely, a gentleman. He made me pay half on the first date. Half of something I barely went near!
So second date comes around and we go to the cinema. I am all leaning in close and whispering in his ear. But nadda. He doesn’t once lean in to kiss me. I also didn’t even offer to pay this time 🙂 SO we ran into some of his friends and he didn’t introduce me. I thought this is it. I am done.
But he was so damn apologetic by text it wasn’t even funny. I really didn’t think he liked me seeing as he never made an effort to even lean in. But seemingly he was just nervous. So the third date came around. I told him to make a special effort. And he really did. But it fell through… there was a storm approaching so he ended up at mine, after about 4 hours of the date he finally kissed me. It was a perfect kiss… went on to have him scratch the fuck out of my back but it was all so so good.
The next weekend he came over to mine again, it was a Friday night, and I had had a date planned with the ex on the Saturday night for a long time. So he came over. We had sex three times and it was okay. Not amazing but ok. And it was fun!
The next night I stayed at the ex’s house. We basically ended it. It was a nice way to finish it all.
So back to me and the OH. The sex got better, we are into the same stuff which helps. Because I am a safety freak I asked him if he had ever had sex with no condom on before and if he had been tested. His response was “No never, and I thought I had something before but it turned out I had a urine infection so it is all good.”
On both points he was lying. I should have known. At 21 I was the 9th person that he had slept with. But I thought after 9 girls you would have the cop on to get tested and be honest about it.
About three months in we were drunkenly fumbling and I blurted out that I loved him. He didn’t say it back.
I spent a month feeling so insecure. I knew that he was in contact with all of the other 8 girls and I knew that he didn’t love me and I just didn’t understand. He invited me to a gig to meet his Ex. I accepted even if just to see if I had something to be worried about or if he just wanted me there to show me off.
I really didn’t want to go but I did. I was feeling very tired after work and I just wanted to collapse. We met her and she was his type down to the ground. Well what he had told me was his type anyway. So she went off and played some God awful music while we chatted. Then she came over and I may aswell have not existed. It was awful. Body language away from me. Not including me in conversations about people I didn’t know. Whenever I tried so say something she just spun it back around to her.
She went to chat to someone else. I told himself that I had had enough and I was off. I felt like I was playing third wheel.He let me leave, didn’t walk me out to a cab or anything. He also stayed out with her until past two in the morning. I spoke to him the next day to finish it. That was when it should hae been the end.
Everyone kept on telling me to delete you from facebook. But I was never going to because even though I really don’t like you now. I did love you more than anything else in the world. Three years of memories you just deleted in one hit of the “unfriend” button. I would understand if I had been uncivil or I was posting thinggs that would upset you but I hadn’t. I had kept my private private.
The first weekend after we broke up. You posted about how the cinema on your own was so much fun. It was such a low blow because that is what we used to do together. I have never done anything like that.
There were and are girls that you had flings with still on your facebook and yet someone that you shared a bed with for that long just gets deleted in a stupid rage. THAT WAS MY RAGE TO HAVE. You have taken every little bit of decency in this whole thing and taken it away. You have taken all of the memories and just dashed them. Between this and the lies I just wonder why you were ever with me because you obviously never liked/loved/respected me.
You saw me briefly on Friday with another man. It wasn’t on O’Connell Street because we were never on O’Connell Street. But is this why you have decided to be mean to me yet again? Or is it just you being you?
To be clear. The reason that I wanted to send someone else is because I am still so hurt by you. Seeing you does make me feel sick. Not because you are ugly. But because the Boy that you said you had turned into would never treat me like this. You are forgetting. I never broke your heart.
Edit: The response
“I don’t really know what to say to most of what you said. Memories never go away and I’ll always remember what we had.
I unfriended you out of anger because of how you’re acting about this money situation, demanding I hand over whatever was in my bank account “because it was yours” and how I didn’t deserve to save because you couldn’t, having me sign a “contract” to get your money back. It is something I regret doing and I’m sorry, it should have been your choice.
I enjoy the cinema on my own because it helps me unwind after work, It is not to rub it in that you’re not there anymore”
The generic answer from the most messed up man that I know. I actually started writing down our relationship a few years ago in a draft. One of these days I am going to publish it in parts.
Isn’t it annoying when you make headway in recovering from heartbreak, then you have a dream about him that feels so real it hurts when you wake up?
This happened to me last night. He has reconnected with one of his exes. This I don’t mind as such, it is more he waited until he broke up with me to do it. It is as if he thought I would have an issue with it. If we discussed it I don’t think I would have minded with her. But it just proves all the things she said about me in the past. It makes me look like the control freak that she thought I was.
This makes me I constantly felt lied to and suspicious of him and he constantly felt watched.
I have realised that the past was so much. How could we get over it?
This makes me incredibly sad. I miss him and love him so much but it was screwed up two years ago. Why did I fool myself into thinking that he actually loved me like I thought he did?
So we lived together for about two months last year. And ever since that, living together has been on the cards, getting somewhere nice for the two of us.
So the boy wanted for us to go on holiday first before we took the plunge. Just to make sure that we would survive it. While we were away, I put his mind at ease on some issues he had and we agreed on a date that would work to move in together.
The date we chose gave us time to get money together and everything. However, the date came and went. I ended up having to ask him what the story was. Basically it was all yet another lie. Another idea that he came up with just to keep me “happy”. And do you know what? This is the lie I have been struggling with the most. The fact that it went on for a year. The fact that he would have said nothing to me if it weren’t for the fact that I asked him.
Now, even since that. He has pretended about 10 times that he has changed his mind and he will do it. I stupidly trust him time and time again. Only to have the carpet pulled from underneath me.
I am living in a relationship full on uncertainty and I know I only post the bad things up here but honestly? I think this is kinda emotionally abusive.
Tugging at the Apron Strings 