Soulmates

I am starting to think that there isn’t a “one” for anyone.

I know, I am late to the party on that one. But I guess, I kept on hoping that that childish, Hollywood thing would come true.

But I really have been thinking about soulmates. I think I have about four of them. None of them have been romantic partners but they are all people that I connect with in a really special way and that cannot be explained.

My mother is one. I am convinced we have traveled through so many lives together and that we just keep finding each other and travelling in any way that we can. It is really lovely and it feels like home as soon as I am around. In fact, just having a bit of physical contact with her recharges mine and her batteries and makes one feel more at peace. I know it probably sounds a bit crazy but it is true.

One of my best friends sent me the most wonderful texts today. I had sent her screenshots of the messages that I sent my “father” and Big. She said that she was sorry that I was going through all of this still. My response? “It’s okay, I had a good year”. Because you know. What more could I want but a good year?

Anyway. Today I got “No matter what happens, know that I am proud. Know that you are brave, you are strong and you are beautiful. Know that without you I (and many others) would be living a half life. Though there may be oceans and continents between us, I will always be here for you my truest loveliest friend and soul mate xx”

How can you ever feel bad about your life when you have such amazing things being said about you? It is something that fills my heart, knowing that I have at least five people in my life that feel this way about me. Okay, none of them will share my bed (apart from the odd spooning session) but there are other people for that. How can anyone really compare to that kind of connection? I demand as much (if not more) from my lover as I get from them. They are there for me through thick and thin and in exchange I am there for them in the same way.

I am a very lucky girl. I may not have my father, or Big. But I have amazing people in my life and I am a very very lucky person.

I have Soulmates.

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Things have swapped

So things have changed again.

We are speaking still, he is going to try to visit me. However, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t think he can cope with that title and making himself be in a long distance relationship.

So we say we love each other. Talk all the time. He is trying to come over and visit. BUT even though neither of us are looking for anyone, we can date (as long as we tell the other person and the same with sex). I do get it. If neither of us are looking for a date then I doubt it will happen as long as we stay offline. In fact, it is probably more likely that a man will ask me out randomly then him asking another girl out.

So that is it. I guess I am okay with it. I am okay with it as long as he does visit.

I do have one reservation. He is 29, never been in a relationship longer than eight months and has never been on holiday with someone. Probably why I am so keen for him to come over. We can call it quits if we drive each other mad.

ALSO. He fell in love with me just after the second date. Eeeeeek. When I speak to him and am around him, I feel like a Princess. I loves him.

Loving

So yeah. I fell for him. Hard. He fell for me. Harder I would guess.

We stayed in a hotel twice, the second time was a surprise from him, it was lovely and special and everything that I could have asked for.

We said “see you later” he said he would come and visit and I left. He has since decided he doesn’t want to do long distance and even see where it goes for six months. He also will not visit me. He said all of this while crying down the phone.

I had to tell him that if I come back, I won’t be coming back to him. If he doesn’t want to try for us now, then we won’t be worth it when I get back.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want a LDR, that was never the plan. But I know that life happens and I would like to see where it goes. I am not ready to say goodbye and I don’t think he is either, otherwise he wouldn’t cry. I am guessing he got a shit time of it before and he is scared of getting hurt again. Even more than that, I think he was cheated on. Something that I really wouldn’t do. It has been the most fun and honest relationship that I have ever had and I have never met someone as much on the same wave length as me.

But alas, all good things must come to an end. I am just sad that it came to an end so quickly. I think he could have been my best friend.

The end of an era

I am doing a clearout. Every night I go to bed and I see his little hairs but this weekend is a long weekend so I have the time and the energy to actually clean and clear his shit out.

Myself and my neighbor have gone from strength to strength in our relationship. We looked at a new apartment which would give me a tiny room but would mean that I can save for the big trip.

We spent time together in Berlin and bonded. It was lovely actually. Although my relationship with my best male friend might have suffered. I am not happy about it but that is life.

Anyway. I was a little down that we found somewhere because I thought that the next place I moved into would be where I would be moving with him that we had bought.

But the cleaning is making me feel better! I am cleaning him out of my system.

I went to a market with my neighbor, her brother and his boyfriend, the girl that she is dating and her gay best friend. I never thought that I would be in that situation. I never thought that I would be comfortable in that situation. He made me feel like I wouldn’t be comfortable in that situation. He made me feel like I would embarrass myself. And guess what? I didn’t!

So Many Words

Ever have those times that you are so full of words but just cannot find a coherent flow for them?

Ye, well this is me at the moment. There is so much to talk about, being beaten to a job with more money by an ex co worker with less experience (because he is a man)… my birthday and people letting me down… the ex just being my ex… my stomach deciding to spend Thursday evening puking… I could go on.

Basically, I am tired and fed up. I am heading away in just over a week so that is something to look forward to, I am a little broke though.

I am just not feeling life, I am not suicidal or anything, I just don’t want to deal. I want to pick up everything and disappear for a while. I need my ex not to matter, I need him not to exist. I need to be doing more amazing things then him, I need to have an amazing LIFE without him. At the moment, I am living and I have moments of having a life, but I need a life. I need an amazing life without him.

I need to watch a show and not think about him. I need to lie in bed and not miss him. I need to get a text and not think that it is going to be him. I need to not think about him in a day. I need to not mention him in a day.

Thing is, he is still part of my life. The past is too much a part of my present. I am well and truly in his past. It is a strange thing that guys can do, but he has done it perfectly. I believe he has just switched off. Or he just stopped caring.

Anyway. A friend let me down. She is a little self-absorbed but she told me she knew she had been and promised to change. This is a year ago and she is back at her old tricks. She has someone else on the scene so suddenly a friend becomes a lot less important.

I can explain why my birthday was so important this year. I know I am 26. It isn’t a big birthday, no one really gives a fuck about that. But I do. I have had the year from hell. Absolute hell. I needed my friends around me. In the past month I have had a flare and two important dates, our anniversary and my birthday. Both I had to do alone. I never thought I would have a birthday single. I spent most of my day thinking about what we had done on previous years.

Fact is, part of him is turning into the man I wanted, another part is turning into the type of man I hate.

I am trying desperately to not make this another post about my ex. But it seems like that is not working for me! ūüėõ

Wake up call

So I had a conversation over text with one of my best friends about the ex.

So this is basically the complete messages:

Me: Nah. Just not dating. No interest. It was our three year yday. No text or nothing. Went drinking with 3 girls at Oktoberfest, what we used to do for my birthday. If someone I was with for that long can do that and not think of me then I want to be single

Her:¬†I wouldn’t call you either !! You’re the ex !!

Me: He had said he would text the last time I spoke to him.

Her:¬†You know by now that he doesn’t have your best interests at heart and everytime you speak to him you show him how little dignity and self respect you have for yourself. I guess he’s gotta hurt you worse for you to see that for yourself.

Me: Ouch. It is not that he hurt me. It is more that I expect to be treated the way I treat others. I expect him to respect me the way that I finally do for myself.

Her: When people show you who they are ..believe them the first time.

You seem intent on remaining emotionally connected to someone who has told you outright that he loves you but is happier without you… And that’s something i’ve yet to understand.

He doesn’t want to be an consistent part of your life…and he shows you that time and time again ūüė¶

Me:¬†I get what you are saying. I am dealing with it the only way I know how. He has told me he loves me yes, and that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore yes. But it is more the hoping that our whole relationship wasn’t a lie. Also. My self esteem. You have to understand that people react to that differently

Her: He doesn’t determine the worth or value or truth in your relationship.. He wasn’t in it by himself. You know your intentions and level of honesty in that relationship, if he wasn’t honorable or acted with integrity that has no bearing whatsoever on who you are or what the relationship meant to you. You give him far too much power, and i’m afraid you will keep giving and giving and giving little bits of yourself til one day you won’t know WHO YOU ARE! If he said “yep everything i told you was a lie?” Would that make you feel any better ? I doubt it. It seems like holding on to him keeps the ground underneath your feet… That’s a dangerous amount of emotional power to give to anyone. I speak from experience !! If you keep this up, you will eventually draw a man who sees this in you and will manipulate you.. Men like that are drawn to hurting women like sharks are drawn to blood in the water.¬† You are more valuable than that, and nothing will change until you fully embrace that.

Shinners, i say this with love not judgement. I see what a funny, sassy, articulate young woman who has alot to offer, it’s frustrating to see someone I love dearly continue to “cast your pearls before swine”. You give and give and you are let down, He has emotionally divorced himself from a romantic relationship (it’s easier for men anyway) so he doesn’t feel a duty of care to return a text or honor you. He would do it to anyone, not just you. I know its early days in your breakup and it was a serious relationship but I’m BEGGING, BEGGING you to find a different way of handling your feelings without involving him.

Me:¬†It wouldn’t be that way for everyone, just me he treats like that. There is a reason he was exes with all his friends, he had been dumped and he behaved well. He treated me like shit. I know what you are saying and I appreciate it. I have just decided that I cannot date for a while. The though of trusting someone makes me want to vomit. I am just not ready and him not texting me hit it home that I am just not ready. I need to be alone for a while. And that is okay I think.

Her:¬†That’s perfectly reasonable for you to be single now… It would unrealistic for anyone to expect you to “get over him” and jump headfirst in being with another guy… Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it and I want only the very best for you. ((Hugs))

So yeah, I have a pretty amazing friend right there. I was discussing things with my neighbour and I kinda realised that I went from one abusive relationship to another. The one with Mams ex and now with my ex. I need to break this pattern and I need to realise that I am worth more then this. 

I need to let go of him and not care about his actions. I am not saying that I am there yet. I am realising that this is what I need to do though.

Life as I know it

My life is very up and down. I have always known that this was in me. As I have said before, I often get very down.

Well I was down last week. Very down.

The best friend of the boy decided to tell him that she thought I was a control freak and not very nice. She found me disrespectful of him and thought that I was bossy.

Now this opinion she volunteered about me without being asked for it. Decided to tell him who had been in the room while discussing me and what they all thought.

This might not sound like a lot to most people. But to me, I can be very very sensitive. Because of the way people have stabbed me in the back over the years I find criticism like that really hard to take. I hate the thought of someone talking about me behind my back.  Continue reading