I am going away with the boy. But we got into an argument last night.
The problem is. He was such a slut before me that I just cannot get images out of my head. On Saturday he wanted me to meet his best friend. So I went along.
Now his best friend is female and he has slept with her… more than once now. Well I was lovely and charming but could I get the images out of my head? No.
It was horrid. I still have them in my head. And I am one of those people that need to know everything but I picture it and I feel nauseous.
AND she was the opposite to me (smaller if that is even possible and a larger body type) I just found the whole thing an ego-bruising experience.
About five times a day the images flash in my head with her and the others and my bubble bursts.
I love him so much but when do I stop it to stop me going mad and losing myself? I am not like this. I am not neurotic. I just hate myself for it and I hate him for not being able to keep it in his pants.
At what point do you turn around to the one you love and say that you have had enough?
That you cannot take any more deceit and that you are loosing yourself in the tangled web. I am loosing myself in a haze of jealousy, suspicion and general craziness.
And yet when I finished it yesterday; I turned the corner, couldn’t breath and had to run back to him. My heart oh my heart.
I have just realised how much has changed since I started this blog.
It was a travel journal. A way for me to map out my journey around America and then it was meant to document my life-changing move once I got home. Well you know what? I have had no life-changing move but I did have a life-changing journey.
I came back a new person and I met a new person. A person that I have had A LOT of rockyness with but someone that has made me believe in my dreams again.
He has made me believe that I am special and that I am one day going to get that boy, that marriage, that house, those babies, and live happily ever after.
He has lied to me… quite a few times. We are working on that. We have to because I am not ready to give him up. Who knows? He might well be The One.
It seems that he only ever realises the depth of his emotions towards me when faced with the prospect of loosing me. And I am not going to lie; there have been quite a few times that this has nearly happened. I have a trust issue (made worse by his lying) and this I am working on.
Any how. I am so happy when I am with him I feel like my chest is going to burst. I feel like such a different person to this time last year when I had a permanent black cloud over me and I was finding it hard to get out of bed.
I am blessed. Never let me forget this.