Things it is easy to forget

When I was at my lowest, after Stephen left and I found myself living alone I saw something in the amazing shop that is Penneys. It is a cushion. White with rainbow writing, “Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day”.

Now I am not usually one for inspirational quotes and especially not inspirational quotes on cushions, but this spoke to me, and I got it. I also got a rainbow blanket to match, and these things followed me over to Canada. They are on my rocking chair. I see them every day but they just don’t compute with me sometimes.

Today is one of those days. My life has turned into some sort of a shit storm if I am honest. I have been demoted in work. They are basically taking the one reason for me to be in this country away from me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my job. I loath it. I love my staff but I hate head office so much. I hate their lack of concern for the store, the fact that they have given me no support, now they ship in the new District Manager and instead of saying “What can I do to help?” they say “We are going to demote you to Assistant Manager again, back in your old store and bring someone new in”.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day on and off the phone to police trying to get them to warn my father to stay away from me and not harass me anymore. Now this.

I actually wonder how people get lives that just plod along. You know? Simple enough, no huge dramas, well maybe one or two but nothing like this. For me it is just BAM BAM BAM. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. But honestly? I am struggling to work out why the universe likes to just take a shit storm at my door every time I seem to get my life on some sort of track. I am half expecting to go into a Crohns flare. You know. Just because the universe can do that to me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that so many people have it worse then me. But there are only so many times in my life that I can hear “It’s okay, you are a tough cookie, you will get through it.”

I AM NOT A FUCKING TOUGH COOKIE. I AM SENSITIVE AND FUCKING DROWNING HERE.

THE ONLY REASON THAT I WOULD BE CLASSED AS A TOUGH COOKIE IS BECAUSE LIFE LIKES TO FUCK ME OVER AND I HAVE NEVER HAD IT FUCKING EASY YOU FUCKING PRICKS.

I like to believe in karma, I really do. but seriously. I have not been a bad person. Maybe a couple of times I have hurt people, but I have felt so bad about it I have punished myself for that. What on earth can I do to get a stable life?

Living alone in a foreign country sucks. Like seriously sucks. Why the fuck?!

Two men. Two opinions.

There are two main men in my life right now. The guy from work and the guy I was seeing before that started.

I am back seeing him again. We went to the cinema and it was like old times. Just friends that kiss and occasionally spoon. So it was mentioned that we have been seeing each other for four months. We had a laugh. Then carried on like normal. See. Nothing had changed, we still liked each other, we still both knew where is was going (nowhere) and we still enjoyed each others company.

I left and got a text about how easygoing I am. It was nice. We are nice. It is just nice.

Today. The guy I work with basically tore my personality apart. Told me that he felt like he had made a lucky escape. I felt like my heart been completely grabbed. It was awful.

Instead of thinking about comments and things that I said in the short time we were dating, and since, in a way that he would think I would make them. Because. You know. He has known me for quite a while. So you would think that if he thought something dodge about something I had said, that he would have just asked me.

He thinks I play mind games. He thinks that I wanted too much. Accused me of forcing him into a corner. Putting times on things. Being a bitch.

Okay. I will hold my hands up to the bitch. But he really read into things. Saying that I would subtly rub my neck in the shop as a type of dig at him and such. Like seriously? Why would I bother?

I put a time line on things. He asked for time until he wasn’t working with me anymore. I said no. He said that could be a week. I said no. Why? Because he believes my words were meant to force and trap. I told him. Or think I told him. Or rather, I meant. That it wasn’t fair on the first guy? Why? Because I had already cancelled one set of plans with him and it would be mean to mess him around. Guy from work seems to think I said “I won’t wait for a week to decide, otherwise I will go back to my other guys”.

So yeah. Two guys. Two very differing opinions of me. Now. Who is right?

 

 

 

Catching up and settling in

So. Yeah. I have moved. I have my own place now and I am completely in love with it. Slightly bored the odd time but generally I am incredibly happy here. It is a little attic apartment/studio that is ALL MINE. It is quiet and cheap and warm. What more could I ask for really?

One thing I guess. For it not to be three blocks from where Big lives, and three blocks from where Big works. Awkward.

So my Aussie friend has been getting into my head. I don’t think she means to but being the mutual friend of myself and Bigs puts her in this situation that she just doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. Myself and my Indian friend came to the conclusion that maybe Aussie unintentionally lead to our relationship breaking down. Because lets face it, the amount of information, both verbal and non-verbal that I have gotten from her about Big since the breakup has driven me mad. Maybe we were both getting this when we were together too.

She told him I had been to the hospital! She told me he was upset about me deleting him from Facebook. All this information. So much he said, she said. It is too much.

Anyways. I ran into Big. I saw him today and I just knew that we HAD to talk.

So we did. I still feel quite deeply for him I think. I believe that I am still in shock about it all. Shock isn’t fun. I don’t think I have ever been so blindsided by anyone in my life and I never want to be again. But whatever. I saw him and survived it. I am alive and we both want to tell Aussie to stay out of things. So that is good. Now I don’t have to be the bad guy.

Half truths and lies

I show my naivety sometimes. I expect a whole truth. Warts and all from people.

But I forget that most humans leave out their own flaws and only include he other persons when weaving a story.

I am an honest person. Obviously I too have told half truths but as a general rule I am blunt. Not to hurt anyone. But also not to lie.

A half truth is basically a lie. We all know it. Yet nearly all of us do it. And nearly all of us forgive them. It is just something that boggles my mind!

Big mentioned to our mutual friend that he felt he was given an ultimatum by me about being a friend with me and he didn’t like it. What he failed to mention was that we had been chatting since that “ultimatum”, that we had plans to meet that he cancelled on, and that all through our chats he never once mentioned that he had felt like he was given an ultimatum and he didn’t like it.

So basically.  When I told her that I missed him etc. She reacted to me only knowing his half. When I saw her I told her the rest and of course admitted to the message that could be seen as backing him into a corner. Then she changed her reaction to me completely. 

This has irked me. Grow up man. Grow a pair. Admit that you have done something wrong. That you gave a false hope or that you say you are okay and ready to try and be friends when really you are not in that place because you are hurting a bit more than you would like to admit.

Tell the whole truth. Not a half one. A half one is a lie.

Perfection

I can’t fool myself. I am not going to be perfect for anyone. No one is ever going to be perfect for me.

I mean perfect is coming from a similar school of thought on everything.  No disagreements. Shared interests and hobbies.  Just. Someone that is the exact same as you.

For me. It is the imperfections of someone for you that make you work. It is how you deal with opposing expectations, how you still love each other even when you have a stupid bicker over the television. Those moments. Thats when you are perfect. You are perfect in how you deal with it and stick with it and love each other.

I am by no means looking for my perfect. Every man that I have been with has been a version of imperfect. And I don’t think that there will ever be an absolute match for me. I think I would find that boring to be quite frank.

The more I think about it, I think the reason myself and Big aren’t together anymore is that his love for American football and his need for someone to just “fit in” to his life was just so strong that he decided that my imperfections were not perfect enough for him.

I had a boring date last night. And I can’t help but think that I want someone strong, independent,  brave. Someone like me in those aspects. Kind, loving  and caring. But the rest. The rest after that can be worked on.

My god. I miss him something terrible.

Soulmates

I am starting to think that there isn’t a “one” for anyone.

I know, I am late to the party on that one. But I guess, I kept on hoping that that childish, Hollywood thing would come true.

But I really have been thinking about soulmates. I think I have about four of them. None of them have been romantic partners but they are all people that I connect with in a really special way and that cannot be explained.

My mother is one. I am convinced we have traveled through so many lives together and that we just keep finding each other and travelling in any way that we can. It is really lovely and it feels like home as soon as I am around. In fact, just having a bit of physical contact with her recharges mine and her batteries and makes one feel more at peace. I know it probably sounds a bit crazy but it is true.

One of my best friends sent me the most wonderful texts today. I had sent her screenshots of the messages that I sent my “father” and Big. She said that she was sorry that I was going through all of this still. My response? “It’s okay, I had a good year”. Because you know. What more could I want but a good year?

Anyway. Today I got “No matter what happens, know that I am proud. Know that you are brave, you are strong and you are beautiful. Know that without you I (and many others) would be living a half life. Though there may be oceans and continents between us, I will always be here for you my truest loveliest friend and soul mate xx”

How can you ever feel bad about your life when you have such amazing things being said about you? It is something that fills my heart, knowing that I have at least five people in my life that feel this way about me. Okay, none of them will share my bed (apart from the odd spooning session) but there are other people for that. How can anyone really compare to that kind of connection? I demand as much (if not more) from my lover as I get from them. They are there for me through thick and thin and in exchange I am there for them in the same way.

I am a very lucky girl. I may not have my father, or Big. But I have amazing people in my life and I am a very very lucky person.

I have Soulmates.

Analyse

You know by now that I analyse a lot. I analyse current relationships and past ones. I try and learn from the past, I look at my behavior and I look at others towards me and I try to understand and move past things.

A few things that have happened.

My father tried to get in contact, Big has not offered any plausible explanation for the breakup. Be prepared for screenshots lads.

First. The message I sent to Big.

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Then, my father, who found me on instagram and sent me a pm.

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Excuse the bad editing skills. But WOW it has been a very emotional few days and I am pretty exhausted. I wish I was home so I could get some of that nurturing love that I need.

I know, reading this blog, it looks like I fall in love easily. I really don’t. Both with Big and PC, it was just a feeling of comfort and safety that I automatically felt. I think with PC it was heightened by the fact that it was such a whirlwind. Big is such a mystery. No reason that he has given actually rests easy. I wanted to meet today to get some answers but nadda. He doesn’t think it is a good idea so what can I do? I sent that message to him and if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow lunch I will have to delete him.

Thing is. I just really really miss him. It was two months but it felt like six, he was kind and loving till the very very end and now he has just shut his feelings off and is a stranger. Men do that so well. And funnily enough, he always had a go at me for making swooping generalisations like that about men. Because you know, he is all sensitive and shit. HA yeah right.

Sinking in

It is sinking in. Some sort of delayed reaction occurred I believe.

I had told him and told myself that I don’t want children. I don’t know. I was talking to my Australian friend and I realised something.

I can blame him sometimes because I want to be enough for my “one” but on another hand I know I can’t.

I saw what he wanted for a second. He wanted the person that he loved, huge in bed with his big meaty hands rubbing the belly and feeling the baby kick while quietly talking baby names. He wanted to know that that baby is half of his genetics and half the woman that he loves.

I can’t say that it doesn’t break my heart knowing that I will never have that with any man that I love. I will never have that choice. I want that choice.

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to realise that I would like this option. It is like I just turned all those feelings off to protect myself. I decided that I didn’t like being around children, that I didn’t want them. I did it to protect myself from dealing with the issue of not being able to have them in a healthy, sensible way.

Look. This isn’t me saying I want children. It is me saying that I really don’t know how I feel. This breaks me.

When the ex refers to you

People are most likely wondering how I moved on. I just noticed that one of my last posts was about how I was still madly in love with him, well rather, I was struggling to get over him.

Well, he finished paying back the money that he owed me. He then sent me a few texts asking for his stuff back. The way that he phrased the text messaged just wound me up the wrong way. He was all cold hearted, wanting money if I didn’t have his stuff or if I had damaged it.

Now. Hold up. Have I taken the high road? Yep. Have I had a few questionable moments? Of course. But I have ALWAYS been the better person out of the two of us through this whole thing.

So anyways, I respond that no, he would never get a penny out of me, and yes I have his stuff but I would need a bit of time to look for it. I had moved house.

Now through all of this, he started ranting online about me. Somewhere that he wasn’t registered under his name. He told his cronies that the money had been a gift, basically made out that he was a saint for paying me back. Then he did the worst thing ever. He called me a c**t. Now you may have noticed how I don’t usually block out swear words, but this word is so repulsive to me that I just had to do it.

So that was it. I blocked him from whatsapp, deleted him from FB, texted him the next day to say that his stuff was in work.

This is where it got interesting. I left them in work while I got my colonoscopy. I got back. They were still there. For weeks, they were still there.

So on Thursday I bagged them up. Marched over to his work and left them at reception. I didn’t think it took that much guts until I did it. I left and realised that I am a badass.

I texted him “Your things are down in reception in your job” his reply “Oh. okay thanks”

The next day I woke up to a reminder on my phone. It was Stephens birthday.

I took the higher road and ended up sticking it to the man.

So this is how I moved from blogging about the dickhead and started blogging about the new dickhead.

Anniversary

Yesterday was my one year anniversary of being diagnosed. The day before I got the amazing news that I am in remission.

This could mean that might be taken off meds all together and it is great! I am so happy that I cried in the doctors.

But for me it is sad news too. I remember making that call to Stephen and thinking to myself that everything was going to change. I am angry and upset that he couldn’t last a year of the bad tl get me back to being in remission. I didn’t even get operated on for Gods sakes!

I know in my heart that the crohns sparked the breakup and really I wasn’t happy with him and I am worth so much more than he could or would ever give me. But I gave him all of me for him to treat me like I was faulty at the first hurdle. Yes I have crohns, does that mean that I should be just traded in? Add more stress and financial worry to someone already coping with their life being overhauled.

And to add to that, he did it on holiday with no support around me. And made me feel even more like crap by comparing me to the bitch of an ex.

I am so angry at myself for caring. I stopped for so long, but then I get these pangs of just being pissed at the baldy prick. How dare he finish it with me? Just when I needed him most.

More fool him though. I am worth so much more