Things it is easy to forget

When I was at my lowest, after Stephen left and I found myself living alone I saw something in the amazing shop that is Penneys. It is a cushion. White with rainbow writing, “Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day”.

Now I am not usually one for inspirational quotes and especially not inspirational quotes on cushions, but this spoke to me, and I got it. I also got a rainbow blanket to match, and these things followed me over to Canada. They are on my rocking chair. I see them every day but they just don’t compute with me sometimes.

Today is one of those days. My life has turned into some sort of a shit storm if I am honest. I have been demoted in work. They are basically taking the one reason for me to be in this country away from me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my job. I loath it. I love my staff but I hate head office so much. I hate their lack of concern for the store, the fact that they have given me no support, now they ship in the new District Manager and instead of saying “What can I do to help?” they say “We are going to demote you to Assistant Manager again, back in your old store and bring someone new in”.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day on and off the phone to police trying to get them to warn my father to stay away from me and not harass me anymore. Now this.

I actually wonder how people get lives that just plod along. You know? Simple enough, no huge dramas, well maybe one or two but nothing like this. For me it is just BAM BAM BAM. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. But honestly? I am struggling to work out why the universe likes to just take a shit storm at my door every time I seem to get my life on some sort of track. I am half expecting to go into a Crohns flare. You know. Just because the universe can do that to me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that so many people have it worse then me. But there are only so many times in my life that I can hear “It’s okay, you are a tough cookie, you will get through it.”

I AM NOT A FUCKING TOUGH COOKIE. I AM SENSITIVE AND FUCKING DROWNING HERE.

THE ONLY REASON THAT I WOULD BE CLASSED AS A TOUGH COOKIE IS BECAUSE LIFE LIKES TO FUCK ME OVER AND I HAVE NEVER HAD IT FUCKING EASY YOU FUCKING PRICKS.

I like to believe in karma, I really do. but seriously. I have not been a bad person. Maybe a couple of times I have hurt people, but I have felt so bad about it I have punished myself for that. What on earth can I do to get a stable life?

Living alone in a foreign country sucks. Like seriously sucks. Why the fuck?!

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Life is a sitcom

well mine is anyway. Going to a fancy dress thing tonight. Dickwad bringing a date. My friend is now bringing a date and I am going dressed as her characters boyfriend.

the only other person I know is dickwads friend that I matched with on tinder. I am the ultimate third wheel and pain in a one night stands butt officially! Would I have it any other way? Probably not.

Now. To ask the guy in the bank along!

Wonder

I wonder if he remembers that tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of our first date. And our proper anniversary is in a month.

These dates mean nothing now I guess. I still think if my first ex on the 23rd May. But I highly doubt I will ever cross either of their minds. Men don’t get dates I guess.

Part of me thinks it would be nice to get a text. But knowing what I know it would be insincere.

I closed our joint bank account . That was tough.

Along with the Horniness comes the Feelings

He wants be but won’t have me. I am feeling pretty unworthy of anyone right now. 

I went out with my friends and have never wanted to be somewhere else more. I wanted to be in bed with him. Cuddling, playing footsie. Talking about our days. Instead I was told I was “fine” by the most in supportive friend ever and meeting one of the two girls that stabbed me in the back four years ago. 

When she comes, it becomes her show. She is the star of it, and if she talks to someone it is almost like she is playing interviewer. 

I am so fricking fed up with my life. I want my life of a month ago back. I was happy. So happy. So unaware. 

The highlight was the taxi driver. He was more supportive than my so called friend. He actually gave me a hug and asked me my name. I think he was actually worried about what I would do to myself. I am trying not to feel that way again. Trying so hard. I know it will get better. I really do but meh. 

On a good note, seemingly my colleague really respects me and he thinks I am great at my job. 

I need to do this

I need to fix things in my life. I need to do them for myself. I just need to find the strength to do it. 

I don’t like me at the moment and I particularly hate my life. I have a brick wall in front of my face. An ugly, breeze block wall. I am hitting my head against it. I cannot scale it. I cannot knock it down. It is there to stay and I feel small and useless. 

It is like I am continually trying to everything that I can to improve the shit that I seemed to inherit and nothing I do makes even the smallest dent. It is so bad that someone can say something so simple like “You have a nice sense of humour” and I will smile for a week. This is just a sample of how much I feel that I am stuck. 

The last time I felt happy and safe was when I was 14. I had a home then. A place that I felt safe. I had a family close by and friends that I thought I would have forever. Two of those friends are now engaged (to each other) I found out through Facebook. I will not be invited. When I was 14 I was maid of honour. Now I don’t even make the guest list. 

In fact. I know no one that would make me maid of honour. I might be lucky to maybe make two bridal parties (at very best) but even then I would come fairly down in the list.

I was told a few weeks ago (by someone that I had never met before but is a friend of a friend) that “no one likes you anyway”. This went on to the Boy telling me that I seem to have trouble with a lot of people. It must be my fault. I must rub people up the wrong way. 

This is something that I have battled with since my Dad put his new family before me. Since I was in reception in school and I had no female friends because one girl decided that no one was allowed to hang out with me. 

I have had girls stab me in the back. I have had boys call me a prick tease because I had no option then to become friends with boys because no girl would have anything to do with me. I have been manipulated. I have been controlled. I have been physically and mentally abused.

I never ever ever feel like enough. I never feel confident. I will walk away from a social situation and want to just curl into a ball with the worry that I have made yet another enemy without even realising it. 

I cannot even count the amount of times that I have cried myself to sleep. I cannot tell you the amount of panic attacks that I have had. And, even worse then this. I cannot count the amount of times I have contemplated finishing it all. The grief of my mother and my sort-of dad is the only thing that stops me from doing it sometimes. 

You see. Fundamentally. I am a kind and considerate person. I don’t want to cause anyone any harm. I will bend over backwards to help someone that might have tried to destroy my soul a year ago. 

I have been told so many times that I am just too sensitive. 

I am in a relationship that brings out the worst in me. I am in love with someone that I will do ANYTHING for. In exchange. My soul is getting chipped away at. I cannot carry on putting someone else first. I need to do something. Anything. He isn’t going to change is he?

One day I will tell you the whole story. 

Changed

I have just realised how much has changed since I started this blog.

It was a travel journal. A way for me to map out my journey around America and then it was meant to document my life-changing move once I got home. Well you know what? I have had no life-changing move but I did have a life-changing journey.

I came back a new person and I met a new person. A person that I have had A LOT of rockyness with but someone that has made me believe in my dreams again.

He has made me believe that I am special and that I am one day going to get that boy, that marriage, that house, those babies, and live happily ever after.

He has lied to me… quite a few times. We are working on that. We have to because I am not ready to give him up. Who knows? He might well be The One.

It seems that he only ever realises the depth of his emotions towards me when faced with the prospect of loosing me. And I am not going to lie; there have been quite a few times that this has nearly happened. I have a trust issue (made worse by his lying) and this I am working on.

Any how. I am so happy when I am with him I feel like my chest is going to burst. I feel like such a different person to this time last year when I had a permanent black cloud over me and I was finding it hard to get out of bed.

I am blessed. Never let me forget this.

Turning 70

It is not usually something I think about but having just help set up a birthday bash for L’s host Mam for her 70th I got to thinking.

What do I want my life to have looked like when I reach that age? Well I want my family, I love my family I really do, I want children and I suppose grandchildren too at that age.

I was talking to a guy about grandchildren and why people love them so much. I think it is because you don’t have to bring them up. You have them and give them back at the end of the day. You are not responsible for telling them off, you are there to spoil them rotten. Well this is the theory of a 22 year old. And I am convinced my Nanna loves me more. Continue reading