disappointed

I am so disappointed in myself. I am bailing on fapping Friday to sleep! I am incredibly sad. I may as well be 60 not 26

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Novel

So how do you write a novel? How would you start something so big. How do you even decide if it is going to be a novel or a work of non-fiction?

I should really take a class…

Love and Other Drugs

So I am watching that film that was released a few years back on the tele.

Last time I saw it was in the cinema, I thought I understood it. But really I didn’t. I didn’t have a clue what it felt like to be really in love with someone that just wanted to change something so fundamental about you.

He wanted to just get rid of my crohns. He wanted to fix it, he wanted me to be fine and he didn’t get that everything was going to change. Or he got it and he didn’t want it to be happen.

You know that moment people say that happens when you have a child and the whole world rotates so that that child is the centre of your universe? Ye well that happened to me. I was diagnosed and suddenly I became the centre of my universe. No longer was I concerned with keeping him happy, keeping the house clean for “us” even though I was tired from work, I didn’t want to fight to keep us happy.

I took a step back. I was happy in the relationship for the first time in ages, because I wasn’t putting so much of me into it. My life has changed so much that I cannot be bothered to date because I am so happy on my own, I have had to change where I eat because I am trying gluten free. I fought and fought for medical cards, to be allowed into Canada. Everything. I did it for me.

I am not even sure if I want children now. I mean possibly adopting but I am starting to feel like I am too important. My health is too important to risk on having biological children. I want to be me for as long as I can.

Fact is. A girl I know that is 19, she is on the same meds as me. She is in a coma. Complications with the meds. I want to be med free within two years. I am going to do everything I can to do this. These meds are evil and I don’t want to be on them anymore.

See all of this would have changed us. He would not have been willing to change the food in our cupboard. He would not have wanted to change where we eat. He would have eaten all the foods I love and miss right in front of me. He would have gotten embarrassed if I asked the waiter about a gluten free option or anything like that that I was trying that month. Because. All of this is going to be trial and error.

Anyway. This film is slightly depressing to me. But Jake is still a ride. 🙂

Dreams are what you make of them

A couple of weeks ago. I had a dream. It was a dream that shook me to the core, and I haven’t been the same since.

Basically, I was in a town that was meant to be Venice, with my ex, my Mam and her ex before this one.

Anyway. My ex took me to this big square. Stood me in the middle and told me he would be back. Suddenly the square got really busy. And a banner came down on the main building.

The square suddenly got really busy but there was something wrong with the banner. Only the last two lines came down “please Shinners”.

Well you can imagine, everyone thought someone was being proposed to. In my gut I knew this wasn’t the case. Everyone was trying to work out who I was. Some bright spark got everyone to sit down that wasn’t me. I started to panic. Anything that I said or did would paint me to be a bitch. No one would understand everything that he put me through.

The rest of the banner came down. It read “love me please shinners” (obviously with my name not my fake one). He didn’t want me to forgive him. He didn’t want to be with me. He didn’t want me to marry him. He just wanted me to love him.

I felt so panicky. I was standing there in the middle of everyone and everyone was staring, not understanding what was going on. Just thinking that there was a man asking me to be with him. I responded with “I do love you but I am trying not to” .

It was a wake up call. It was open and honest. I am trying not to love him anymore. I am fed up of loving him and slowly but surely I am ridding myself of the toxicity of my ex. I want to get rid of him. I never wanted to get over him so much.

Fapping Friday

So I work on Saturday mornings at 9 am. It is pretty lousy and leads to me staying in on a Friday night.

When you are single and stay in on a Friday night, you have to make yourself feel better about it somehow. I choose to masturbate. So Friday is now rebranded to Fapping Friday!!!! WHOOPPPPP. How exciting!

But this Friday I have a date. This means that I have to move Fapping Friday 😦 This actually annoys me more then it should! Disaster.

Also I am fairly nervous about this date. I quite like the guy. I don’t want it to be a disappointment and yet I don’t want to really like the guy because I am really nervous to. URGH what a conundrum.