Little Boy

The ex has a new profile picture. It is him when he was about one or two. Cute as a button, happy out smiling.

Thing is, I look at it and I feel sad. Sad that that boy has gone. It is replaced by a man with. No feelings or emotions. If he had even an ounce of that little boy left, we might not have broken up.

You wonder what went so wrong in his life.

In other news, I had two dates in three days with the same guy. No kissing yet. I think I might like him. Personality wise he is the male form of me. Looks wise he is cute but we have to work on appearance. Also I believe he may have very little baggage. Whoop!

Let me down

I met a girl online that has the same problem as me.

We swapped information and I am going to the consultant tomorrow and I was hoping to give the information to my doctor to see if there is an answer.

I have had this problem for nine years. This is my first lead and it has been ripped from me because she wants to check with her fucking gp first. Argh!

Missing Him

So the weekends are the hardest.

Last night I went speed dating, I just felt like there is no one out there! There was one hot man there but somehow I managed to tick “yes” to four guys?! I worry about myself.

Today I went to work and I was exhausted (damn Crohns) so I just wanted to come home and chill out on the sofa but I just don’t want to be on my own. It is a Saturday night, no work the next day and all that I want to do is curl up on the sofa with him and watch TV shows and gossip, kiss, eat food and fuck.

But this is not going to happen. This will never happen again. Even if he is going to come back when the winter comes, this will never happen again. I couldn’t let him in again.

I actually cannot remember the last time he had sex with me looking at my face. It was all my ass, he never came looking at me. This realisation kicks in when I am at my lowest. 

Anyway. Online dating is finished. I am fed up of being asked if I want to fuck. Fuck off is all that I have to say. 

There is something in the water. There is something wrong with the men here. ROLL ON CANADA!

Oh ye… I didn’t tell yas did I? I got accepted in to a working visa in Canada. My life might MIGHT finally be looking up 🙂

My Hopes for Him

I find myself hoping and praying that when he moves on he will not go for someone younger. Not because I will get jealous, I probably will anyway. But I pray that he will get someone that knows themself well enough to know that he is just chipping away at who they are. 

 

I hope he dates someone that is completely confident in their body so he cannot push his insecurities onto her.

 

I hope that he finds someone that he really likes that has the strength to tell him to fuck off.

97%

I had a match for 97% on Okcupid. I messaged him and he seemed nice. We swapped numbers and had a date planned for Monday.

 

He was mad for inspirational photos and quotes. Seemed a bit much after a while so I though it didn’t seem genuine. I told him I had crohns disease. Well that was the end of that. He freaked the fuck out and told me he couldn’t handle going on a date with me because of his past.

 

Ok. I know it is a lot to handle but imagine being me? I knew what he was going to do anyway but it still stung. I am so broken no one wants to date me.

 

 

Then I had a bit of a show. Mam is going through a break up and is emotionally draining but I never got a single text from him. Even though he knew I was nervous. Every other show he has been there. Now he was nowhere. Not even a text. Living it up in Barcelona foe the weekend and forgotten about me.

 

 

Part of me was glad he wasn’t there. I used to feel so insecure with all the other girls that were his type there. And plain old me.

 

 

I ended up leaving because I needed to cry so badly. My self esteem is so low right now. I feel like I have lost everything. Even my confidence. Why would anyone want me?

The Response from B

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever read something more self indulgent and self righteous.

Where do I start.

Why you feel the need to email any of us is beyond me. You clearly hate me or highly dislike me at the very least, so why do you even care what I think? You had your mind made up about me long before you met me that night, X even told me this, and I don’t really give a shit if you were tired or whatever that night, that’s irrelevant. You thinking X wanted to make you jealous just shows that you really don’t know him at all, or at least didn’t at that point. What exactly was ‘despicable’ anyway [me]? I tried to chat to you both, and X tried to chat to us both, but I’ll admit this was difficult in a loud pub situation. I thought everything was perfectly fine until you went quiet and left shortly afterwards. You didn’t even say goodbye. What about YOUR behaviour on the night? I was pleasant and polite to you, because I didn’t want another Aisling situation, she made my life hell, and I genuinely wanted to avoid any kind of situation like that again. But here we are…..

You made me the third person in your relationship X, I never wanted to be. You labelled me ‘the ex’ and never saw me for what I am now, his friend. X and I were and are very close, that will never change, whether we are speaking or not. You cannot get rid of me, I’ll always be a part of him and his past. We grew up together. Bonds like that are never broken. You can’y just say he could have confided in other people, because every friendship is different. Some friends just don’t discuss sensitive issues. We do. I shouldn’t have to explain this, anyway…

 

You obviously view sex in an entirely different manner to how I do or X does. We can talk about stuff like that in a casual manner and it’s no big deal. What was said wasn’t intended to be disrespectful to you, we just take these things more lightly. Fair enough if you asked him not to talk about it or whatever, that’s something you can duscuss with him. It sounds like you haven’t forgiven him for a lot of things that happened months ago, you have to either get over things and move on or walk away, you can’t keep punishing someone for their mistakes, it’s just not fair.

He’s already told me this, so your little plan to hurt my feelings hasn’t been successful. I’m not going to compare our relationships either.

We used email, bebo etc because we had (and still have) no other option, so stop trying to make it look like we were using some special intimate way to contact one another that relates to our past relationship, it’s called necessity. Also, wait until you’re physically cheated on before you make that call, because you may feel differently.

It’s my decision who I go to advice for, so I don’t really care who you think I should or shouldn’t ask for advice. I don’t owe you anything. You have a certain relationship with your ex, I have another, it’s called difference, not everyone is the same. And, sex is not ‘sacred’ to me, or X either. Again, not everyone is the same! You sound rather inexperienced when it comes to sex and relationships.

 

From my point of view, you wanted him to choose between us from the moment you heard about me. You want/wanted to be chosen as the best, the one he loved/loves the most, I can see that. That’s what all this ‘me or her’ stuff is really about. As for discussing your relationship, if your relationship was that great then maybe he wouldn’t have to discuss your issues with other people, because there wouldn’t be any, or else he could’ve just talked things out with you if you both communicated well instead of having to express his feelings to others? But at the end of the day, I don’t know why he told me or whoever else that stuff, all I can do is guess, he can answer that one.

As for the texting stuff, why don’t you stop reading text messages that aren’t for you? It seriously smacks of insecurity and distrust.

Were you really that surprised he wanted to contact me or cared about my feelings? X will always want to talk to me, I’m a fixture in his life and neither you nor anyone else is going to change that, so get used to it.

 

A can speak for himself so I’m not going to address that section of your message. He’d/he’ll probably make a much better job of it than me anyway. I do think it’s noteable however that A has never had a problem with X and I being friends, because he realises that everyone has a past, people don’t come to relationships as blank canvasses. We’ve both had other relationships in the past but we both know that ours is the one that matters, so there’s a lot of trust between us. That’s why we work, despite living in different countries. 

How dare you threaten us. Who do you think you are? Your entire message reads like an ignoramus trying to sound worldly and compassionate while displaying their tortured heart in a pathetic attempt to evoke respect.

You’re not one bit sorry if I’ve lost my friend. If you really loved him you would never have made him choose in the first place, but your teenage jealousy and insecurity propelled you to put your own selfish wishes above his happiness. It doesn’t bother me anymore that you made him choose, because in doing so you put a hole in your relationship.

I’ve still got my friend, speaking or not speaking. “

 
This is the shit I put up with at the beginning of my relationship. I am posting it up here because if I don’t post it anonymously I might regret what I would do with it. 
 
He told her how I looked naked, what I liked to do in the bedroom (that I was the best), and that he gave me chlamydia and what treatment I was going through. Even though I asked him not to. 

The Past

This is the letter I wrote to him (x), his ex (b) and her new boyfriend (a).
 
“I am writing an email to all three of you. B, A and X. I have been excluded in conversations and decisions that have effected me and I have decided that this is not going to happen any more. 
 

B, 

 
I need to tell my story. When I first met you. I was tired and anxious. I was worried that this girl that broke my boyfriends heart would be playing games with him. I was worried that X only wanted me to come along to meet you because he wanted to make you jealous. This was what was going through my head when I met you. 
 
It turns out I was right about one thing. The way that you both behaved was despicable that night. For this I blame you and X. After this. I don’t blame you. 
 
Not to re-hash the night, but X should have told you that you were out of order. He should have judged the situation better, he should have left with me. Maybe if he had done these things then the way that things played out would have been different. 
 
I would not have been as suspicious of your relationship. You would have known where the line is and you wouldn’t have crossed it. But you did. And so did he. Constantly. I don’t know if you know, but I asked him not to discuss our relationship with you. He has plenty of friends that he could talk to for advice. But he kept on involving you. You became the third person in my relationship. 
 
He talked to you about sex. And you to him. You said things that I can only read as you keeping him wrapped around your little finger. He didn’t see the problem. I don’t know if you know that X did this. But when you had asked him not to hang around with Ais when you were together, he did. And when you used to ask him if she was around and he said “no”. She was. This was years ago. But I ask you. Did this break your heart a little bit when you knew he was lying? Did you feel betrayed when he saw his ex more then he saw you? If the answer is “yes” then why did you involve yourself in something that did the same to me?
 
A mentioned cheating in his emails. X tried to explain. But I can explain me better then anyone else. 
 
You two had a long distance relationship. You saw each other. What? Once a month? Most of your relationship was through text, facebook, boards, webcam and email. Because of this, every time he spoke to you I felt like he was cheating on me emotionally. This is a far bigger deal to me then physical cheating. 
 
I don’t know if you understand that. You would come to him for advice when I thought you should go to your friends, not your ex. Like I would be friendly with my ex, but he is my ex, not my friend. I have friends to go to advice. Friends that don’t know me as well as he knows me but I would not want to play with his and my emotions by telling him about my sex life. It is just inappropriate. Some things should be sacred in a relationship. 
 
I didn’t want him to choose between us. It isn’t healthy to have a relationship like that. But he kept on putting your feelings before mine. He kept on lying to me (not even about you) and everything just built on top of each other and I exploded. I packed my bags and I moved out. I had opinions about my relationship from you, (the other girl he is back in contact with) and other people in his life. It was turning me into someone I didn’t like and I couldn’t take any more. 
 
Your texts were perfectly timed. “Five years ago today we met for the first time” closely followed by “I will always be here”. You knew we were arguing. You knew this. You knew you were an issue between us (I found out from A’s email that X had broken my trust yet again and told you) and yet you sent them.
 
He chose me. I made him email you in my company. All my trust in him had gone. And it turns out I was right not to trust him because he was planning on keeping contact with you on the side. 
 
I have known something hasn’t been right between me and X. He wanted to contact you two weeks ago wanting to know how you feel about the situation. I didn’t know about A‘s emails at the time and I was terribly upset. I thought we were past everything. 
 
A. 
 
I cannot actually believe that you would involve yourself in this situation. Fair enough. Email X about how upset B is. But to judge my relationship is just out of line. You know B. You have never met X. And you have only ever heard about me from someone that met me once. Once. 
 
I am pleased for both of you. Finding each other in this world is really hard. And being happy is even harder. 
 
I admire you A for standing up for B. But like I am not blameless. Nor is she. And now, nor are you. All four of us have had their say and made their mistakes. Unfortunately, we have all had our say and made our mistakes in my relationship. I have not involved myself in yours. And nor would I dream of doing it even though I dislike you all right now. But I dislike myself too. 
 
X is currently wrestling with his feelings. I have taken a step back. I am not going to ask him to choose between me and you again. I cannot be with him if you are around but I cannot trust him any more anyway. I have told him I cannot be with him if life continues the way it is. So currently I am single. I am heartbroken and angry. 
 
He may be back in contact with you B, he may not. I don’t care as long as what little bit of what was left for just us in our relationship is kept that way. We may decide to try to work on us down the line. But that will be our choice. No one elses. And you both had better stay away from it. 
 
I am sorry you have lost your friend. I truly am. I am sorry things worked out the way that they did. X made decisions that hurt us all.
 
I am sorry if this email bothered you. Or if you just don’t care. Or even if it doesn’t make much sense. But I am trying to hold myself together. “

Messy

Yesterday I met an all time new low.

We organised to meet each other. To work out if we could be friends. Pretty quickly the texts got sexy which was good because I need a good fucking.

We met. He told me how the last time he stayed over the longer he was with me the more he realised why he left. Ouch.

He told me he wasn’t messaging online, just looking. He had given up messaging people.

We got to the bus stop and he told me he wouldn’t be coming back with me. I think he changed his mind when I said to stay over. I don’t think he can handle being in the apartment with all the memories. But he managed to make me feel so unattractive and pathetic for asking him to come back when he had been all for it all day.

Things then took a nosedive. I came home. Cried. Called him. Asked him in conversation if he had seen anyone else that he knew online. He said no. Cried. Worked out his passwords for the online dating.

I am not proud of myself. I don’t have that right anymore. But I felt he had lied to me. I felt that he wanted to be my friend and he shouldn’t lie.

He was chatting to a girl he had sex with before me. A girl that he had had to call to tell to get tested. He told her that he had gotten free from me. They swapped numbers.

In total he swapped numbers with her and another girl. The last message he sent was on Monday.

He is a stinking liar. Always was I guess. I called him. Felt so bad about what I had done that I told him. I didn’t have to but I needed to. It doesn’t rest easy with me lying and expecting someone to tell me the truth.

He told me I need help. I told him that I am not the only one. He is seriously fucked up.

I have felt sick ever since. I have a big meeting in work today and slept about 4 hours. I had to call the Samaritans because I felt so shit. I felt so shit trying to explain how he did this to me. Leaving me when he did. He makes me feel like shit about myself. Always did.

I know I did bad. I am just trying to cope coming out of a relationship that was a big stinking lie.