Little Boy

The ex has a new profile picture. It is him when he was about one or two. Cute as a button, happy out smiling.

Thing is, I look at it and I feel sad. Sad that that boy has gone. It is replaced by a man with. No feelings or emotions. If he had even an ounce of that little boy left, we might not have broken up.

You wonder what went so wrong in his life.

In other news, I had two dates in three days with the same guy. No kissing yet. I think I might like him. Personality wise he is the male form of me. Looks wise he is cute but we have to work on appearance. Also I believe he may have very little baggage. Whoop!

Let me down

I met a girl online that has the same problem as me.

We swapped information and I am going to the consultant tomorrow and I was hoping to give the information to my doctor to see if there is an answer.

I have had this problem for nine years. This is my first lead and it has been ripped from me because she wants to check with her fucking gp first. Argh!

Missing Him

So the weekends are the hardest.

Last night I went speed dating, I just felt like there is no one out there! There was one hot man there but somehow I managed to tick “yes” to four guys?! I worry about myself.

Today I went to work and I was exhausted (damn Crohns) so I just wanted to come home and chill out on the sofa but I just don’t want to be on my own. It is a Saturday night, no work the next day and all that I want to do is curl up on the sofa with him and watch TV shows and gossip, kiss, eat food and fuck.

But this is not going to happen. This will never happen again. Even if he is going to come back when the winter comes, this will never happen again. I couldn’t let him in again.

I actually cannot remember the last time he had sex with me looking at my face. It was all my ass, he never came looking at me. This realisation kicks in when I am at my lowest. 

Anyway. Online dating is finished. I am fed up of being asked if I want to fuck. Fuck off is all that I have to say. 

There is something in the water. There is something wrong with the men here. ROLL ON CANADA!

Oh ye… I didn’t tell yas did I? I got accepted in to a working visa in Canada. My life might MIGHT finally be looking up 🙂

My Hopes for Him

I find myself hoping and praying that when he moves on he will not go for someone younger. Not because I will get jealous, I probably will anyway. But I pray that he will get someone that knows themself well enough to know that he is just chipping away at who they are. 

 

I hope he dates someone that is completely confident in their body so he cannot push his insecurities onto her.

 

I hope that he finds someone that he really likes that has the strength to tell him to fuck off.

97%

I had a match for 97% on Okcupid. I messaged him and he seemed nice. We swapped numbers and had a date planned for Monday.

 

He was mad for inspirational photos and quotes. Seemed a bit much after a while so I though it didn’t seem genuine. I told him I had crohns disease. Well that was the end of that. He freaked the fuck out and told me he couldn’t handle going on a date with me because of his past.

 

Ok. I know it is a lot to handle but imagine being me? I knew what he was going to do anyway but it still stung. I am so broken no one wants to date me.

 

 

Then I had a bit of a show. Mam is going through a break up and is emotionally draining but I never got a single text from him. Even though he knew I was nervous. Every other show he has been there. Now he was nowhere. Not even a text. Living it up in Barcelona foe the weekend and forgotten about me.

 

 

Part of me was glad he wasn’t there. I used to feel so insecure with all the other girls that were his type there. And plain old me.

 

 

I ended up leaving because I needed to cry so badly. My self esteem is so low right now. I feel like I have lost everything. Even my confidence. Why would anyone want me?