Moving in

So we lived together for about two months last year. And ever since that, living together has been on the cards, getting somewhere nice for the two of us. 

So the boy wanted for us to go on holiday first before we took the plunge. Just to make sure that we would survive it. While we were away, I put his mind at ease on some issues he had and we agreed on a date that would work to move in together. 

The date we chose gave us time to get money together and everything. However, the date came and went. I ended up having to ask him what the story was. Basically it was all yet another lie. Another idea that he came up with just to keep me “happy”. And do you know what? This is the lie I have been struggling with the most. The fact that it went on for a year. The fact that he would have said nothing to me if it weren’t for the fact that I asked him. 

Now, even since that. He has pretended about 10 times that he has changed his mind and he will do it. I stupidly trust him time and time again. Only to have the carpet pulled from underneath me. 

I am living in a relationship full on uncertainty and I know I only post the bad things up here but honestly? I think this is kinda emotionally abusive.

Porn

Can it ruin a relationship? 

More to the point… will I let it ruin mine? 

Okay so it actually isn’t the porn that is bothering me. It is the lies attached to it. When we were going through some of the drama in our relationship (read below, I will not bore you with the details AGAIN) I rightly – or wrongly asked my boy not to watch porn. 

Because of comments that he had made to me about sex with other girls, how he would stare blankly at other women in the street, to name but a few problems, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. 

I found it hard to strip off, I found it hard to look in the mirror. Ffs I even posted pictures of the girls that I thought that he wanted to be with. 

Porn was also effecting our sex life. He was removed from it sometimes. Just going through the motions, and even the dirty stuff, I felt like I was just an extra in the porno that was playing in his head. 

So about 9 months ago I asked him not to watch it anymore. He would watch it A LOT. Whenever he was “bored” in fact and it was just wearing me down with everything else going on. 

He agreed and I had no reason to doubt him, until I found out he lied. 

Now this is a small lie yes. But a lie that was added on top of all the bigger lies. A lie that could have been a simple “You know what Shin? I am finding this porn thing difficult and I watched it last night.” And then we could have discussed it like adults and hopefully the problem wouldn’t have become worse. 

But no. He lied. And then I believed him again. And he lied again. So naturally the third time works a charm and up until last month I didn’t believe him. But he insisted. I found no damning evidence and I LIKE A FOOL believed and trusted him all over again. 

Well. I am definitely the fool this time. I found stuff. He admitted to it last month. Again because he was “bored” and a simple admission of the fact would have done him so many favours  But instead I am treated like the demon. He is ignoring me, even though we are in the same room. And now I am PISSED. 

Funny thing is, I have had a really bad day today with thinking about his and our past. I felt very low in my self-worth and very unattractive. I put it down to feeling a bit under the weather. But I know that my gut always tells me when there is something to find. And do you know what? BINGO.