Mental

I have been so unbelievably mentally busy that I completely forgot to update this.

Life has just been non-stop. So much so that I have only just started to feel homesick.

Firstly. Health. I did have a tough week with my stomach but then I started my period so panic over! I have had three periods in five weeks though but I think it is my coil finally settling in. I now also have a cold but sure that is part and parcel of life and having no immune system isn’t it?

Second. Work. Work has been mental and I have just received a promotion. Within six weeks I have been promoted and given a new store to open as Store Manager. It is basically unheard of and fairly shocking but exciting all the same. I am not happy with the money that they have offered me but I am looking at going to a career adviser anyway to maybe look at getting out of this aspect of retail. I am exhausted with so many long hours and sporadic starting times my body is just tired (which I think has also lead to the cold).

Thirdly. Friends. So I have steadily been making and keeping friends, both here and at home. My Mam and my best friend back home have both booked flights over so one is over at the end of October and the other is coming over at Christmas. This is very exciting. I just got back from a weekend away with a friend over here. We went to Whistler. It was nice but part of me feels that I give more to that friendship then what I get back from her. But sure. Plenty more time and plenty more people to meet in my travels.

And lastly. Boyfriend. Through the previously mentioned friend, I met my boyfriend. Mr B. He is both perfect and flawed. We have both been single for a very long time and have been in long relationships that didn’t last. In his case, he was married. It is actually taking us both a lot of getting used to adjusting to eachother. It probably doesn’t help that he is American so sometimes the communication is a little stilted. But yeah… we will see how it goes. Sometimes he makes me so happy that I picture everything with him. Other times… not so much. I am going to give it a bit of time but sometimes he goes all school teachery on me which makes me feel a little bit controlled. I really don’t want Stephen 2.0.

But the sex is frigging incredible. Like. OMG. Amazing. Him and his big penis. Yum.

Right well now I have to go because I am all turned on again. Even when he isn’t around he has this effect on me. Mad about the man I am.

Loving

So yeah. I fell for him. Hard. He fell for me. Harder I would guess.

We stayed in a hotel twice, the second time was a surprise from him, it was lovely and special and everything that I could have asked for.

We said “see you later” he said he would come and visit and I left. He has since decided he doesn’t want to do long distance and even see where it goes for six months. He also will not visit me. He said all of this while crying down the phone.

I had to tell him that if I come back, I won’t be coming back to him. If he doesn’t want to try for us now, then we won’t be worth it when I get back.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want a LDR, that was never the plan. But I know that life happens and I would like to see where it goes. I am not ready to say goodbye and I don’t think he is either, otherwise he wouldn’t cry. I am guessing he got a shit time of it before and he is scared of getting hurt again. Even more than that, I think he was cheated on. Something that I really wouldn’t do. It has been the most fun and honest relationship that I have ever had and I have never met someone as much on the same wave length as me.

But alas, all good things must come to an end. I am just sad that it came to an end so quickly. I think he could have been my best friend.

To date or not to date?

This is the question that I am struggling with at the moment. My recent tryst with my friends brother made me realise that I miss having a man in my bed.

That coupled with the fact that I was off work sick for a week. I had nothing else to be thinking about and I craved to get a text, to have a man come by with ice lollies to sooth my throat. But instead I got “Why is it bugging you?”

I stayed at my friends night last night, he wasn’t meant to be around. Then he was. I saw his friend, I slept next to his sister, I heard him. I didn’t see him. I wanted to see him for him to realise what he was missing or for me not to give a crap suddenly. Or even better. Just for him to tell me that he was not interested and yeah. Btw. I am a coke head (well I knew he was anyway).

So I have had a lot of time on my hands. Went back on tinder. Saw Stephen on it. Head melted.

I want someone to stay over once or twice a week (with a date). To text me five times a day, give me a call once every two days. Make me feel safe. I just want to fall in love.

But yet. I am scared of being in love again. I am scared of being stung again. I want to move to Canada. I want to meet someone to itch that itch and be with me, be my partner. But I also want to move to Canada. I don’t think I want something casual before I go because I don’t want to get hurt.

I haven’t cried over the brother. I have to remind myself I knew him less than a day, I have no reason to cry over him but I am surprised I haven’t. I still find that I feel like I have a certain ownership of him even though I know I really don’t.

There is serious food for thought here and I am not sure I can be bothered to work it all out. I just want to meet someone that isn’t a dickhead. Someone that is special. Someone that thinks that I am the most special person that they have EVER met. I don’t want any games. I am so sick and tired of games.

When the Lies Keep Adding Up

At what point do you turn around to the one you love and say that you have had enough? 

That you cannot take any more deceit and that you are loosing yourself in the tangled web. I am loosing myself in a haze of jealousy, suspicion and general craziness. 

And yet when I finished it yesterday; I turned the corner, couldn’t breath and had to run back to him. My heart oh my heart.