A song says a thousand words

Well not literally, because that would be an incredibly long song, but you know what I mean.

I think you can tell a lot about a persons general mental state by the music that they are listening to and identifying themselves with at a certain period of time in their life.

The reason this occurred to me was because this song:

kept on coming on my workout playlist. I remembered how I used to listen to it and feel every single word. Scream it, feel it and just wanna crumble because it sums everything up for you.

The time in my life that is summed up by this song is pretty shocking. I remember it striking for me when I had just moved in with Stephen. Why did I put myself through that? Why didn’t I wake up and see that this is just not the right song to be listening to at that stage in my life?

Anyway. Enough of that prick. I have to update you all on Dickwad. He has been screwing around. He has been screwing around in his house, the one he shares with my friend, his sister. He has had a revolving door of girls that have come back to the house and had sex with him. I don’t know if he needed cocaine to get it up for them but fuck it!

Really drunk in Spain it occurred to us to send a picture of me giving a thumbs up from my friends account through FB messenger. I actually give up on myself! Haha, part of me feels sorry for him. I am sure he probably thought he could fuck me and just leave it go, but nope. I am there around every corner. And I am not going anywhere, just because he cannot behave like an adult.

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Oh and for anyone that is wondering… this is the song that sums up now for me.

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The Pond

I was just thinking how the dating pond has gotten bigger and smaller at the same time.

My last two dates, one was from France, the last one from the Czech Republic. Both I met online, both live and work in Dublin. Back in the day you were reduced to dating the men in your area around your age. Or possibly, friends of the family from a bit further afield. But basically you would date within your community, your county at least. Dublin was the mixing pot of course, what with a dock and many country people moving up for work, but generally speaking.

Now I always feel like even if I meet a really nice guy that I get on well with, there might be someone else out there better suited to me. Someone that I find more attractive, someone that I have more in common with. We always talk about guys feeling this way… like the grass is greener and wanting their cake and eating it too, but fact is, I feel it too.

If I move to Canada, am I going to meet that 6 foot tall guy from the Dominican Republic (their skin is like caramel), with a passion for travelling, a dirty sense of humor, Irish accent and ¬†hairy chest? Probably not. But is it going to stop me from looking around for it? I don’t know.

I guess I am enjoying looking around. I am enjoying broadening my horizons and being single. If I meet someone that I click with I will see what happens then, but honestly? I think we need to stop blaming men a little for playing the field.

Babies

I didn’t want them when I was younger, I didn’t have dolls, I had bears.

Then when I was a teenager I wanted them because everybody wanted them one day.

With my first boyfriend and then with Stephen, I loved the idea of having a little person that was half me and half the man that I love.

Now. I am not sure. I have always thought that I would adopt anyway. There is an awful risk that I could get pregnant and my crohns could spark. Also I could pass it on to my child.

Then there is the selfish aspect. I am tired all the time. How would I cope with a baby? Will I ever meet a man that I can depend on enough to have a child with? Do I want to put my body through that?

When I see children, I like the smell of them when they are babies but they bore me. When they are becoming humans I find them more interesting. You know, like 5 years old. When you can actually talk to them?

Then there is the really giving part of me that likes to think about giving a child a new and better life filled with love that they might have gotten elsewhere. Sounds nice doesn’t it?

Then there is the selfish part of me. I want to go on holidays to chill and relax. I want to have a career. I don’t ever want to deal with a PTA ever. I don’t want to spend my days and mornings off ferrying around children.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t know what I want. I sure wish I did know. I have been saying that I don’t want children lately but what if that changes when I meet someone else that I love? That would be false advertising!

Plus I never want a wizards sleeve!

Lust

Lust is such a strange thing really. Feels a bit like love but mixed with imagination and infatuation.

I am in lust with dickwad. It is a burden that I have to carry as I am in lust with a man that I don’t know. In my head he is the mixture of the perfections and imperfections of the guy that I met that night but with none of the coke and all of the feeling like he is just not ready for me yet. That he is tortured, just out of a relationship and wants to make sure his feelings for me are true because he feels like he could fall for me.

The reality of course is that he was on a date tonight with a girl that he met on tinder. He knows that I was on a date last week so it could be a reaction to that but who am I fooling?! I mean nothing to that man other than an easy lay. Why else would he give his friend his blessing? He really gives zero fucks about me.

I need to get over this before the holiday. I don’t think his sister gets the whole lust thing and I really don’t want that conversation about him.

To sum up my last few days…

Everything that has happened, has been the result of a Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole.

Dickwad.

Being a woman

It actually sucks sometimes.

Today in work stock was stolen, right under my nose. Then I went dancing and I was followed home.

Sometimes it royally sucks being a woman in this world. I really just wish I could curl under a rock right now. I wish that no man was able to make me feel this way but unfortunately they do.

Can words help?

I haven’t spoken to my cousin in a very long time. We grew up as siblings would but then I moved to Ireland and he didn’t.

Neither of us had fathers, but I have my Mam and as much as I love my auntie, she isn’t as strong as my mother would be. Her heart just isn’t the same. She is fundamentally a bit of a selfish being, while my mother is a fundamentally giving person.

Anyway. I probably have mentioned it at some point. My cousin said some hurtful words to me while I was at my lowest ebb about five years ago. I have brought it up with him and he called me a liar. So I kind of washed my hands of him.

Now. He suffers with depression too. He has been going through a time lately that has made him want to end his life. As much as I didn’t want to get involved the only thing I felt that I could do without giving too much of myself away was to copy and paste a blog post from when I was at one of my lowest points. To try and show him that he has to fix it himself. To show him that it can be done.

I don’t know if my words will make any change. I don’t know if he will man up and admit that he was wrong. I know nothing about any of that, but I do know that I have done the best I can without compromising myself.

Crying

I haven’t cried in about two months. This might not seem strange to a lot of people but for me it is starting to feel like something is missing.

Crying is very much a part of me. A way that I express myself, a form of stress relief and just a way to calm down.

I don’t know why I haven’t cried. I cannot work out if it is because hormonally I am a little bit more balanced since getting the coil inserted. Or maybe it is just because I am happy. But the thing I am most worried about is if I haven’t cried because I don’t care as much or I have found myself hardened to what is going on around me.

I have always been told that I am “too” sensitive but I have always tried to see this as a positive rather than a negative. I am very in touch with my feelings and emotions and I just cannot possibly justify seeing that as a negative even though many people try to put that on me.

So anyway. I have found myself trying to listen to sad music etc to force it out of me but nothing seems to help. I now have to keep looking for other techniques.