Things it is easy to forget

When I was at my lowest, after Stephen left and I found myself living alone I saw something in the amazing shop that is Penneys. It is a cushion. White with rainbow writing, “Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day”.

Now I am not usually one for inspirational quotes and especially not inspirational quotes on cushions, but this spoke to me, and I got it. I also got a rainbow blanket to match, and these things followed me over to Canada. They are on my rocking chair. I see them every day but they just don’t compute with me sometimes.

Today is one of those days. My life has turned into some sort of a shit storm if I am honest. I have been demoted in work. They are basically taking the one reason for me to be in this country away from me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my job. I loath it. I love my staff but I hate head office so much. I hate their lack of concern for the store, the fact that they have given me no support, now they ship in the new District Manager and instead of saying “What can I do to help?” they say “We are going to demote you to Assistant Manager again, back in your old store and bring someone new in”.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day on and off the phone to police trying to get them to warn my father to stay away from me and not harass me anymore. Now this.

I actually wonder how people get lives that just plod along. You know? Simple enough, no huge dramas, well maybe one or two but nothing like this. For me it is just BAM BAM BAM. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. But honestly? I am struggling to work out why the universe likes to just take a shit storm at my door every time I seem to get my life on some sort of track. I am half expecting to go into a Crohns flare. You know. Just because the universe can do that to me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that so many people have it worse then me. But there are only so many times in my life that I can hear “It’s okay, you are a tough cookie, you will get through it.”

I AM NOT A FUCKING TOUGH COOKIE. I AM SENSITIVE AND FUCKING DROWNING HERE.

THE ONLY REASON THAT I WOULD BE CLASSED AS A TOUGH COOKIE IS BECAUSE LIFE LIKES TO FUCK ME OVER AND I HAVE NEVER HAD IT FUCKING EASY YOU FUCKING PRICKS.

I like to believe in karma, I really do. but seriously. I have not been a bad person. Maybe a couple of times I have hurt people, but I have felt so bad about it I have punished myself for that. What on earth can I do to get a stable life?

Living alone in a foreign country sucks. Like seriously sucks. Why the fuck?!

Celebrating

Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂

One of those ones

It was one of those no-good days today. I didn’t really get anything done. I have been trying to put of the inevitable, contacting the Citizens Information Bureau about issues for my return (i.e. having no where to live when I get home and obviously no money).

I am great at planning but pure useless to planning things when there is a possibility that it might not turn out right. This is why I have never planned a birthday party and why I give up studying for big exams/essays a week before the date. It is so if something is going to be unpleasant then I won’t know until I am in it.

Anyway do I did some shit menial things today like get my feet eaten by fish at Sole Therapy (which was strangely ticklish but enjoyable), go to the dentist for a cleaning and shop for some new, cheaper glasses (so if they decide to break while I am away it is not the end of the world).

I really really need to start packing though. You might think that it would be easily done but there is a lot more involved. Continue reading