Well not literally, because that would be an incredibly long song, but you know what I mean.
I think you can tell a lot about a persons general mental state by the music that they are listening to and identifying themselves with at a certain period of time in their life.
The reason this occurred to me was because this song:
kept on coming on my workout playlist. I remembered how I used to listen to it and feel every single word. Scream it, feel it and just wanna crumble because it sums everything up for you.
The time in my life that is summed up by this song is pretty shocking. I remember it striking for me when I had just moved in with Stephen. Why did I put myself through that? Why didn’t I wake up and see that this is just not the right song to be listening to at that stage in my life?
Anyway. Enough of that prick. I have to update you all on Dickwad. He has been screwing around. He has been screwing around in his house, the one he shares with my friend, his sister. He has had a revolving door of girls that have come back to the house and had sex with him. I don’t know if he needed cocaine to get it up for them but fuck it!
Really drunk in Spain it occurred to us to send a picture of me giving a thumbs up from my friends account through FB messenger. I actually give up on myself! Haha, part of me feels sorry for him. I am sure he probably thought he could fuck me and just leave it go, but nope. I am there around every corner. And I am not going anywhere, just because he cannot behave like an adult.
Oh and for anyone that is wondering… this is the song that sums up now for me.
So tomorrow I have my second ever Tinder date. If any of you don’t remember this was the last Tinder date I went on. Awful. Just awful.
So after the events with Dickwad I decided the time was now. I am just ready to put myself out there. Now I am not saying that I want to sleep around or anything like that but I am ready to have fun with a guy. I haven’t cried over Dickwad, nor do I want to. Does that mean I enjoyed how a ONS made me feel? Hell no. But does it mean that I am now more open to the fact that I am not going to die if a guy sleeps with me and doesn’t call me back.
I am probably now more suspicious of men but I am now not giving them the power that they once had over me. I don’t want to up my number just to meet my one BUT I am not scared of how I will look or feel. My mam didn’t care ( and my mother really matters to me) and my friends didn’t judge. I tried not to, I did a bit, but I tried not to judge myself. I caught myself thinking that if I hadn’t just slept with him would he still be around? Possibly. But I don’t think I would want a guy that behaves like that to stick around.
So anyway, this date is with a French guy. I have only ever dated Irish and English before so this will be a big change. He is probably smaller than I would like but he seems really nice, even if his English isn’t the best. Plus he texts a lot (but not too much) and doesn’t seem to care if he seems eager. Plus he is super cute and is fairly active.
I will keep you all posted.
This is me procrastinating. I am meant to be attempting to write a short story and I just cannot face it right now… This feels like me and college. I really don’t want to be this way.
Anyway an update. I matched with one of my friends brothers friends (are you still following me?) on tinder. I didn’t have a clue who it was. When I am looking at group pictures I literally just look for the reoccurring guy and didn’t notice that dickwad was in a couple of pictures with him (that is his new nickname FYI).
This is where the weirdness starts. He knew who I was, asked dickwad what I liked and started asking me about Always Sunny in Philadelphia and I hadn’t a clue how he knew I even watched it!
Anyway, I realised who he was, unmatched him. Dickwad was telling my friend about it. The whole thing was so screwed up it is unreal. I feel like I have suddenly regressed into school where people asked you to go out with their friends!
Anyway. I met dickwad and his mate last night. The mate was sound, lovely guy actually. Dickwad behaved kind of ridiculously. Staying in his room till friends arrived. Barely talking to me, didn’t even look at be for Gods sake! Well at least I looked hot and he looked fairly coked up to his eye balls.
Before I arrived my friend told him I was coming around and asked him if it would be weird. His response “Erm… I don’t know… I think she erm likes me”
My friend just told him to cop the fuck on and said that I probably did before he became a prick.
So either neither of them like me and just want to ride me as I have a name of being easy, or both of them like me, or I don’t give a crap.
I think I am going to go for the latter option. They can keep eachothers bed warm I think. The wonders of anything on Tinder. Hotbed of drama.
This is the question that I am struggling with at the moment. My recent tryst with my friends brother made me realise that I miss having a man in my bed.
That coupled with the fact that I was off work sick for a week. I had nothing else to be thinking about and I craved to get a text, to have a man come by with ice lollies to sooth my throat. But instead I got “Why is it bugging you?”
I stayed at my friends night last night, he wasn’t meant to be around. Then he was. I saw his friend, I slept next to his sister, I heard him. I didn’t see him. I wanted to see him for him to realise what he was missing or for me not to give a crap suddenly. Or even better. Just for him to tell me that he was not interested and yeah. Btw. I am a coke head (well I knew he was anyway).
So I have had a lot of time on my hands. Went back on tinder. Saw Stephen on it. Head melted.
I want someone to stay over once or twice a week (with a date). To text me five times a day, give me a call once every two days. Make me feel safe. I just want to fall in love.
But yet. I am scared of being in love again. I am scared of being stung again. I want to move to Canada. I want to meet someone to itch that itch and be with me, be my partner. But I also want to move to Canada. I don’t think I want something casual before I go because I don’t want to get hurt.
I haven’t cried over the brother. I have to remind myself I knew him less than a day, I have no reason to cry over him but I am surprised I haven’t. I still find that I feel like I have a certain ownership of him even though I know I really don’t.
There is serious food for thought here and I am not sure I can be bothered to work it all out. I just want to meet someone that isn’t a dickhead. Someone that is special. Someone that thinks that I am the most special person that they have EVER met. I don’t want any games. I am so sick and tired of games.
So I need advice, or just to get this out here. I am not sure to be honest!
I dress well, I have a nice clear accent and I am well educated. I probably swear a bit too much but have figured it is endearing because of my accent, and I have the dirtiest sense of humor than anyone I know.
It is getting the balance right for this. I like to look sexy, but I idolise women in TV, film and the real world that have a sense of elegance about them. But I am more edgy then that (or that is what I like to think anyway).
So this is where I need to know what to do. As I have said before I have a bit of a situation with the ONS fella. Myself and his sister has cleared things up nicely but it now looks like we might be spending Paddy’s Day together. The last thing I want it to be is awkward.
The best situation, I am not going to lie, is for him to fall madly in love with him for me to tell him that he wasted his chance and I am never ever going to fall for his words again. But then he drags himself through the gutter for me and we end up madly in love.
NOW I am snapping myself out of this Shinners! This is not going to happen. But what is?
As I have posted before, this is where I left it:
“Me: okay so this is bugging me… Are ya ever going to ask me out?
well I’m not in Dublin yet and I’m still just very fresh out of a LTR
Why’s it bugging you?”
I haven’t responded. Should I? They have another sibling that is going through a difficult time at the moment and my friend told me that he was caught up in it down the country. Obviously he is moving up to Dublin but I just want to know do I say something? Do I say “sorry to hear about your sibling” Or anything at all! I don’t know if I want to get everything out in the air before we inevitably run into each other again.
I have never been in this situation before and I want to handle it in the most ladylike way possible. I don’t want to swear, I don’t want to yell but I want to firmly tell him that he fucked up.
On another note this
is just the best article I have read in I don’t know how long! Please read it anyone that is single or in an unhappy relationship. I have my faults sure but at the end of the day I value myself way too much to get into a relationship with someone that I don’t love. And I cannot find anyone that I do love.
Sometimes it is so hard to take the higher road. I am a communicative person by nature, I like to know where I stand and I can cope.
It is always and has always been the not knowing that drives me mental. If I am being tossed to the side I would like to know about it. So I sent the following messages.
Me: okay so this is bugging me… Are ya ever going to ask me out?
well I’m not in Dublin yet and I’m still just very fresh out of a LTR
So I have left it like that. My friends are all convinced that he will try to message me because I haven’t responded. I have put him on my restricted list on FB, so no pictures etc that he can see. I am hoping that this will drive him mad.
Thing is, I don’t want to have to forget him. It seriously stings. I heard all the things he said to me, I thought he meant them. The funny thing is when he was writing messages to me after he left, I could see the distance in location getting further and further away. And it wasn’t just the distance, the further away literally he was, the more distant he was in chatting.
My friends saying that women fall in love in the presence of a man and men fall in love in the absence of a woman. I think that this may have been tested this time around.
Anyways, I am feeling rather icky. I think coupled with the fact that the last time I had sex with Stephen he said he regretted it and the longer he spent with me the more he realised he didn’t want to be with me. And now this. Yeah… my ego is very bruised. And starting to doubt my skills in the bedroom!
If he does respond. I am planning on sending this:
So I went out this weekend with a friend and her brother. My friend wasn’t feeling it so she left us to it.
It was my first time drinking in seven months because I AM IN REMISSION WHOOP WHOOP
Anyways… We were drinking and taking about EVERYTHING and anything. We have a lot of things in common and we had so many laughs.
But then we kissed. And then we discussed me going to Canada he told me how he hasn’t been out of his relationship long. We talked about having five dates. Said we would get a hotel one day when we were passing it. We spent a lot of the night discussing how annoying it was that we had met. We liked each other. He kept telling me how comfortable he was with me.
So yeah. We ended up sleeping together. It did get a bit strange at some point. But anyway, he stayed the night, was not in a rush to leave. Kissed me goodbye the lot.
Anyways, his messages have been shit since. I AM FRIENDS WITH HIS SISTER FFS.
I just want to ask him what the story is. I have never had a one night stand. He knows it has been ages since I got physical with anyone.
This happened on Sunday night. Do I just ask what the story was?