Sinking in

It is sinking in. Some sort of delayed reaction occurred I believe.

I had told him and told myself that I don’t want children. I don’t know. I was talking to my Australian friend and I realised something.

I can blame him sometimes because I want to be enough for my “one” but on another hand I know I can’t.

I saw what he wanted for a second. He wanted the person that he loved, huge in bed with his big meaty hands rubbing the belly and feeling the baby kick while quietly talking baby names. He wanted to know that that baby is half of his genetics and half the woman that he loves.

I can’t say that it doesn’t break my heart knowing that I will never have that with any man that I love. I will never have that choice. I want that choice.

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to realise that I would like this option. It is like I just turned all those feelings off to protect myself. I decided that I didn’t like being around children, that I didn’t want them. I did it to protect myself from dealing with the issue of not being able to have them in a healthy, sensible way.

Look. This isn’t me saying I want children. It is me saying that I really don’t know how I feel. This breaks me.

I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN

No matter how many times you say it.
No matter how many times you mean it.
People ask me why I don’t want them. They tell me I will change my mind. They say anything is possible.
Well guess what? I wish I had the choice. There are two decisions that I could make.  One is very risky and I believe to be selfish.  The other is safe and really sad for me. I chose the latter.

I meet a man and tell him.  I won’t be having children. We date. We fall in love. We spend every day for two months in love.  Discussing the future. Making plans. Even 12 hours before the fact I get a text saying that he loves me because I am strange.

Then bam.

He wants children. He wants his genetic children. He doesn’t think that our relationship is good enough for him to compromise with adoption. He isn’t mad about me. But he is in love with me. And guess what? I am heartbroken yet again.

So what can I do? Not have crohns? Risk getting sick, risk making my children sick to keep a guy? Or get dumped by a second guy because I am not the healthy normal girl they want?

You guessed it! Shinners is single again. And fairly devastated. 

International Women’s Day and The Market

So firstly I want to wish all the women I know out there and all my female readers a Happy International Women’s Day!!! Woo go us!

When only Queen Bey will do!

I spend a lot of my life shocked, surprised and enthralled with all the amazing women out there. The ones in my life are amazing enough to right a series of novels about. That isn’t even getting into the wider world. We deal with so much, and so many of us bounce back stronger and better for it.

I for one know that I would never have made it alive to today without all the amazing women in my life (and the bestie) and the women that came before me.

My Nan is the strongest person I know. She went to college. She managed a hotel before she had a family and when she had a family, she had nine children. She was married to a pretty useless man and yet she worked full-time and brought them all up to be kind and caring individuals. Yeah we are a dysfunctional family but we are pretty close for an extended family.

In fact we don’t even really see it as being an extended family. We just see it as normal. She may be a religious woman but she has the dirtiest sense of humor and she is a true feminist. Even if she doesn’t know it herself.

Anyway I met with a friend today. Another strong, intelligent woman. She is the sister of the guy I ended up sleeping with. We ended up joking about it all anyway so all is good there. But I realised something. I was answering something on facebook about my hopes for the next year. I wrote ” I am going to 1) pull the finger out and see more of the world. 2) meet a nice guy, stop messing around with guys that don’t care. 3) dance a solo. 4) become unstoppable… believe that I CAN have the career”.

I felt that my friend was hopeful that I would end up having something with her brother. I realised that I am NOT in the market to have my heart broken. I am not in the market to meet a tool. I am in the market to meet someone that is going to cherish me and realise how special I am. Who that will check I am okay and not just drive themselves on in there the first time we have sex.

I am also going to stop being afraid of failure. I am pretty damned talented and I rock. We rock. If we have a vagina we rock!

(This even applies if I don’t like you. Just because periods and having kids and putting up with male pigs sucks.)

When one Beyoncé won’t do the job.

Three Years Ago Today

Would I have done anything differently? Have you ever been able to pinpoint your life to one point that put it in the shitter? I can. And it is three years ago today.

I should have gone home. Cancelled. The stress and antibiotics that I was on I am pretty sure sparked my crohns that I was predisposed to.

I try not to regret. But this is impossible not to.

Dreams

Isn’t it annoying when you make headway in recovering from heartbreak, then you have a dream about him that feels so real it hurts when you wake up?

 

This happened to me last night. He has reconnected with one of his exes. This I don’t mind as such, it is more he waited until he broke up with me to do it. It is as if he thought I would have an issue with it. If we discussed it I don’t think I would have minded with her. But it just proves all the things she said about me in the past. It makes me look like the control freak that she thought I was.

This makes me I constantly felt lied to and suspicious of him and he constantly felt watched.

 

I have realised that the past was so much. How could we get over it?

This makes me incredibly sad. I miss him and love him so much but it was screwed up two years ago. Why did I fool myself into thinking that he actually loved me like I thought he did?

 

Damn dreams.

The tears

It is my day off. I have been up since 8 am, I only went to bed at 3am. I think I spent two of those hours sleeping.

I am on the sofa. Sobbing. I keep on thinking about the holiday that I have to cancel. The holiday that he was not man enough to tell me that he didn’t want to go on because he felt so guilty about what he had done to me and mainly her.

Yep. The one that he chose me over. The one that screwed with his head and his emotions. He still loves her. He denies it of course, he misses their “friendship” and he would feel the same over any friend. But the fact is. This girl is his ex.

He said that he hated that I made him choose. That I shouldn’t have, because he had always said he would never dump a friend for anyone. I told him that he had left me with no choice. I had nothing else to do.

Fact is I knew there was something. He had been secretive with his phone. He had been distant and he had been trying to hide little things that he knew I wouldn’t like.

I thought I was logged in as me on facebook. I went in to check my messages. There was a conversation with the ex. It ended up not being a conversation with her.

Her boyfriend had decided to email him. They had a conversation. Then he copied and pasted the conversations into messages to her.

Her boyfriend was not very nice about me. The boy did stand up for me quite a lot but he also discussed details of our relationship with him. I also found out that there were quite a few lies. I made the boy promise to do a few things. Then not tell her about them. The boy decided that keeping his friendship with her and making sure she was ok was more important then keeping my trust.

So yet again another lie.

There are other things too. But the tears are rolling down my face and I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I am pretty sure my heart isn’t beating.

Turns out I didn’t “win”.

I lost him.

And he can have her back.

But my relationship is over and it seems like he regrets a lot of it. So I have to pick up the pieces even though I really don’t want to. I just want to have woken up next to him this morning. And to rub my face on his hairy chest. And to pretend to be watching the tele when really I am watching him. I just loved looking at him. Touching him. And kissing him.

Was he thinking of her when he was making love to me? Was he feeling the regret and the loss then?

I thought I was going to be with him forever. I thought we were just getting the  hard times and the shit out of the way. We had a holiday planned. We were saving to move in. Would he of let this happen and then put this on me in a year?

I feel so sick. So heartbroken and sad. I can barely type. I cannot see.