Health. The gift that keeps on giving

So today I finally got my appointment at the gyno. And yeah. I thought I had endometriosis, and it turns out that it is pretty certain that I do in fact have it.

They think I have a rare kind where the tissue grows on the nerves that lead down to my legs. So yeah. I have two types of shitty things where my body just hates me. I just want my Mamma.

So basically if I changed my mind about wanting kids, it would be really REALLY hard for me to actually get pregnant. My gyno does work a lot with IBD people a lot though so she knows her shit. ARGH FML.

Things it is easy to forget

When I was at my lowest, after Stephen left and I found myself living alone I saw something in the amazing shop that is Penneys. It is a cushion. White with rainbow writing, “Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day”.

Now I am not usually one for inspirational quotes and especially not inspirational quotes on cushions, but this spoke to me, and I got it. I also got a rainbow blanket to match, and these things followed me over to Canada. They are on my rocking chair. I see them every day but they just don’t compute with me sometimes.

Today is one of those days. My life has turned into some sort of a shit storm if I am honest. I have been demoted in work. They are basically taking the one reason for me to be in this country away from me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my job. I loath it. I love my staff but I hate head office so much. I hate their lack of concern for the store, the fact that they have given me no support, now they ship in the new District Manager and instead of saying “What can I do to help?” they say “We are going to demote you to Assistant Manager again, back in your old store and bring someone new in”.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day on and off the phone to police trying to get them to warn my father to stay away from me and not harass me anymore. Now this.

I actually wonder how people get lives that just plod along. You know? Simple enough, no huge dramas, well maybe one or two but nothing like this. For me it is just BAM BAM BAM. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. But honestly? I am struggling to work out why the universe likes to just take a shit storm at my door every time I seem to get my life on some sort of track. I am half expecting to go into a Crohns flare. You know. Just because the universe can do that to me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that so many people have it worse then me. But there are only so many times in my life that I can hear “It’s okay, you are a tough cookie, you will get through it.”

I AM NOT A FUCKING TOUGH COOKIE. I AM SENSITIVE AND FUCKING DROWNING HERE.

THE ONLY REASON THAT I WOULD BE CLASSED AS A TOUGH COOKIE IS BECAUSE LIFE LIKES TO FUCK ME OVER AND I HAVE NEVER HAD IT FUCKING EASY YOU FUCKING PRICKS.

I like to believe in karma, I really do. but seriously. I have not been a bad person. Maybe a couple of times I have hurt people, but I have felt so bad about it I have punished myself for that. What on earth can I do to get a stable life?

Living alone in a foreign country sucks. Like seriously sucks. Why the fuck?!

Sinking in

It is sinking in. Some sort of delayed reaction occurred I believe.

I had told him and told myself that I don’t want children. I don’t know. I was talking to my Australian friend and I realised something.

I can blame him sometimes because I want to be enough for my “one” but on another hand I know I can’t.

I saw what he wanted for a second. He wanted the person that he loved, huge in bed with his big meaty hands rubbing the belly and feeling the baby kick while quietly talking baby names. He wanted to know that that baby is half of his genetics and half the woman that he loves.

I can’t say that it doesn’t break my heart knowing that I will never have that with any man that I love. I will never have that choice. I want that choice.

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to realise that I would like this option. It is like I just turned all those feelings off to protect myself. I decided that I didn’t like being around children, that I didn’t want them. I did it to protect myself from dealing with the issue of not being able to have them in a healthy, sensible way.

Look. This isn’t me saying I want children. It is me saying that I really don’t know how I feel. This breaks me.

I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN

No matter how many times you say it.
No matter how many times you mean it.
People ask me why I don’t want them. They tell me I will change my mind. They say anything is possible.
Well guess what? I wish I had the choice. There are two decisions that I could make.  One is very risky and I believe to be selfish.  The other is safe and really sad for me. I chose the latter.

I meet a man and tell him.  I won’t be having children. We date. We fall in love. We spend every day for two months in love.  Discussing the future. Making plans. Even 12 hours before the fact I get a text saying that he loves me because I am strange.

Then bam.

He wants children. He wants his genetic children. He doesn’t think that our relationship is good enough for him to compromise with adoption. He isn’t mad about me. But he is in love with me. And guess what? I am heartbroken yet again.

So what can I do? Not have crohns? Risk getting sick, risk making my children sick to keep a guy? Or get dumped by a second guy because I am not the healthy normal girl they want?

You guessed it! Shinners is single again. And fairly devastated. 

Mental

I have been so unbelievably mentally busy that I completely forgot to update this.

Life has just been non-stop. So much so that I have only just started to feel homesick.

Firstly. Health. I did have a tough week with my stomach but then I started my period so panic over! I have had three periods in five weeks though but I think it is my coil finally settling in. I now also have a cold but sure that is part and parcel of life and having no immune system isn’t it?

Second. Work. Work has been mental and I have just received a promotion. Within six weeks I have been promoted and given a new store to open as Store Manager. It is basically unheard of and fairly shocking but exciting all the same. I am not happy with the money that they have offered me but I am looking at going to a career adviser anyway to maybe look at getting out of this aspect of retail. I am exhausted with so many long hours and sporadic starting times my body is just tired (which I think has also lead to the cold).

Thirdly. Friends. So I have steadily been making and keeping friends, both here and at home. My Mam and my best friend back home have both booked flights over so one is over at the end of October and the other is coming over at Christmas. This is very exciting. I just got back from a weekend away with a friend over here. We went to Whistler. It was nice but part of me feels that I give more to that friendship then what I get back from her. But sure. Plenty more time and plenty more people to meet in my travels.

And lastly. Boyfriend. Through the previously mentioned friend, I met my boyfriend. Mr B. He is both perfect and flawed. We have both been single for a very long time and have been in long relationships that didn’t last. In his case, he was married. It is actually taking us both a lot of getting used to adjusting to eachother. It probably doesn’t help that he is American so sometimes the communication is a little stilted. But yeah… we will see how it goes. Sometimes he makes me so happy that I picture everything with him. Other times… not so much. I am going to give it a bit of time but sometimes he goes all school teachery on me which makes me feel a little bit controlled. I really don’t want Stephen 2.0.

But the sex is frigging incredible. Like. OMG. Amazing. Him and his big penis. Yum.

Right well now I have to go because I am all turned on again. Even when he isn’t around he has this effect on me. Mad about the man I am.

Relapse

So no more dates with the crohnsie  have happened. Much to my dismay. Not going to lie… even thinking about him makes me get a tad excited.  Yummmmmmmm.

Saturday the fireworks were on. I ended up going with the Irish fella Tipp. We slept together.  The funny thing is, he is so eager. Mad about me in fact and I am really not bothered.  I have told him how I feel so don’t worry, I am not leading him on. But yeah. The sex was grand. He came so quickly it was actually hilarious.  He did however make it up to me. And he did a fairly good job at it so one cannot stay mad for long.

He had brought one condom only and when he wanted to go again and suggested no condom. I literally kicked him out of the apartment.  That will teach him.

Thing is. And yeah. I am sick of it too. I just want to talk to pc. Again.  At this point it feels like I miss my best friend. I wish I had an indication on whether or not he felt the same way about me. I messaged him after Tipp left asking why he hadn’t contacted me and telling him it would be the last time I messaged him if I didn’t hear back. Nadda. Absolutely nadda.

Delayed reaction

So usually my posts are put up last thing at night. When I cannot sleep. It might account for the sometimes questionable grammar and spelling (please don’t start checking this post now).

This one is before I go to work. It is nearly midday and I have to get stuff out onto paper.

I had a great date on Wednesday night with a Canadian guy from Tinder. Turns out he has crohns too and what a kisser! So attractive, hairy. Just yum.

I had a second date with him last night. We were both tired, it probably shouldn’t have been done. But we did anyway. Still an excellent kisser but my God he is hard to read. I got the bus home and a sad song came on and I just started crying over PC.

This guy is so much more my type physically. And kissing. But I just miss that personality connection I had with PC. It was like we were best friends as soon as we met eachother. I really really miss him. Is there anything I can do about it? Probably not. He doesn’t want to do anything about it and I am so in love with him that I just don’t think I can do friends. Same situation all over again. I think I just have to forget about him. This is going to be really hard isn’t it?

When the bullets keep coming

Not everything you read online is true.

So when it is said that I have suffered with anal leakage when I have been on medication. That is quite literally bullshit.

When it is said by my ex. It is even more bullshit. He stayed with me a little more than two months of me being on meds. I have now been on them over a year. I have suffered with “leakage” never. Not even with the preparations for my colonoscopys.

He reassured me every time I felt dirty and unsexy in his own controlling way. And now he posts up that his ex had crohns and used to leak while on meds.

Stephen. You didn’t know me on meds. On meds, in remission in less than a year. I have never been healthier. Yes I have bad days. But I am working out 5 days a week. I have not had any sort of accident. And the only shit that you will be smelling is the shit that is coming out of your mouth, coming directly from your brain.

I seriously feel sorry for your new girlfriend. I hope that she realises what a prize tool you are as soon as possible. I want her to break your heart enough for both of us.

That is it. I am done letting you own that your ex had crohns. It isn’t your thing. You are not here, you are not living with it and you ran away rather than dealing with it. I am moving to Canada alone. I am taking my leaking ass and getting out of this country without you. So shove that.

The best and worst thing

I know that this post is a little early but I wanted to put my thoughts onto paper (or even into a series of 1’s and 0’s on a computer screen).

It is world IBD day on May 19th and I really wanted to document how I have been thinking about my crohns recently. As you all know I was diagnosed in February last year and after that a series of awful events sparked.

I live on a cocktail of tablets. Some have been prescribed to me, others I take to counteract some of the more brutal side effects of the medications that are supposed to help me. Everyone with IBD has taken their own path. No two treatments are the same. No two cases are the same.

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My personal journey was not great at the beginning. I was given two years to save my colon. I am lucky in that within a year they decided that I was in remission. I decided to take the doctors advice, take the medication given to me and some. This is how I deal with my every day. I know that some things spark me to feel bloated and sick, but I probably think that this is more my IBS than my IBD.

In the short time that I have had my diagnosis I have met and spoken to people with IBD and read their stories online. Everyone has had a completely different story and has dealt with their diagnosis in a completely different way. I find it really interesting. Some people take everything that their doctors say as gospel. Take the medication prescribed and do nothing more.

Some people refuse the medications and only go for alternative therapies and diet changes. Some just refuse to accept what they have and make no changes at all. I would fall into a different category. One that accepts that doctors have more knowledge than I do about IBD but I also understand that I know MY body better than they will ever understand it.

So I cut out the foods that just don’t agree with me, I take tablets to counteract the awfulness that is Imuran, I fight to try and have my consultant take me off the medications since I am in remission and I don’t want to do it irresponsibly without my doctors knowledge.

I have gone through phases of absolutely hating my body, hating myself. I might not have any scars from operations on the outside but my insides have been scared and bloodied by this awful disease. There is no competition with people with crohns. Some have it worse than others but that doesn’t mean that the tides could easily change.

When I was diagnosed, I suddenly became the most important person in my life. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care greatly for others, it just means that I will not sacrifice my happiness and well being for someone else.

I have also been working on my self esteem. My last relationship did me no favors and basically being a woman in my mid twenties, I have all those horrible thoughts that we all have. Those doubts. Those feelings of not being adequate. Those little dramas in life that make you feel like the world as you know it is done.

Having crohns is changing that bit by bit. I have all the strength in the world. I lived through the last year when my insides and my ex didn’t want me to. I love my body. Yes, I have love handles, yes, I have stretch marks, yes, I gain and lose weight at a mad speed as a result of my medications. But I love myself. I have to. If I don’t, then how can I expect someone else to?

I say “there is enough people in the world judging you, your appearance, tearing you down, without you doing it to yourself”. Crohns has helped me realise that my body is incredible and nothing will stop that. I am going to ignore the stresses in life because honestly? Life is only as stressful as you make it most of the time. Remove yourself from the situation, change it, ignore it.

Life has made me the person that I am today. IBD has made me the person I am today. And I am proud of that.

Babies

I didn’t want them when I was younger, I didn’t have dolls, I had bears.

Then when I was a teenager I wanted them because everybody wanted them one day.

With my first boyfriend and then with Stephen, I loved the idea of having a little person that was half me and half the man that I love.

Now. I am not sure. I have always thought that I would adopt anyway. There is an awful risk that I could get pregnant and my crohns could spark. Also I could pass it on to my child.

Then there is the selfish aspect. I am tired all the time. How would I cope with a baby? Will I ever meet a man that I can depend on enough to have a child with? Do I want to put my body through that?

When I see children, I like the smell of them when they are babies but they bore me. When they are becoming humans I find them more interesting. You know, like 5 years old. When you can actually talk to them?

Then there is the really giving part of me that likes to think about giving a child a new and better life filled with love that they might have gotten elsewhere. Sounds nice doesn’t it?

Then there is the selfish part of me. I want to go on holidays to chill and relax. I want to have a career. I don’t ever want to deal with a PTA ever. I don’t want to spend my days and mornings off ferrying around children.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t know what I want. I sure wish I did know. I have been saying that I don’t want children lately but what if that changes when I meet someone else that I love? That would be false advertising!

Plus I never want a wizards sleeve!