Ever have those times that you are so full of words but just cannot find a coherent flow for them?
Ye, well this is me at the moment. There is so much to talk about, being beaten to a job with more money by an ex co worker with less experience (because he is a man)… my birthday and people letting me down… the ex just being my ex… my stomach deciding to spend Thursday evening puking… I could go on.
Basically, I am tired and fed up. I am heading away in just over a week so that is something to look forward to, I am a little broke though.
I am just not feeling life, I am not suicidal or anything, I just don’t want to deal. I want to pick up everything and disappear for a while. I need my ex not to matter, I need him not to exist. I need to be doing more amazing things then him, I need to have an amazing LIFE without him. At the moment, I am living and I have moments of having a life, but I need a life. I need an amazing life without him.
I need to watch a show and not think about him. I need to lie in bed and not miss him. I need to get a text and not think that it is going to be him. I need to not think about him in a day. I need to not mention him in a day.
Thing is, he is still part of my life. The past is too much a part of my present. I am well and truly in his past. It is a strange thing that guys can do, but he has done it perfectly. I believe he has just switched off. Or he just stopped caring.
Anyway. A friend let me down. She is a little self-absorbed but she told me she knew she had been and promised to change. This is a year ago and she is back at her old tricks. She has someone else on the scene so suddenly a friend becomes a lot less important.
I can explain why my birthday was so important this year. I know I am 26. It isn’t a big birthday, no one really gives a fuck about that. But I do. I have had the year from hell. Absolute hell. I needed my friends around me. In the past month I have had a flare and two important dates, our anniversary and my birthday. Both I had to do alone. I never thought I would have a birthday single. I spent most of my day thinking about what we had done on previous years.
Fact is, part of him is turning into the man I wanted, another part is turning into the type of man I hate.
I am trying desperately to not make this another post about my ex. But it seems like that is not working for me! 😛