Delayed reaction

So usually my posts are put up last thing at night. When I cannot sleep. It might account for the sometimes questionable grammar and spelling (please don’t start checking this post now).

This one is before I go to work. It is nearly midday and I have to get stuff out onto paper.

I had a great date on Wednesday night with a Canadian guy from Tinder. Turns out he has crohns too and what a kisser! So attractive, hairy. Just yum.

I had a second date with him last night. We were both tired, it probably shouldn’t have been done. But we did anyway. Still an excellent kisser but my God he is hard to read. I got the bus home and a sad song came on and I just started crying over PC.

This guy is so much more my type physically. And kissing. But I just miss that personality connection I had with PC. It was like we were best friends as soon as we met eachother. I really really miss him. Is there anything I can do about it? Probably not. He doesn’t want to do anything about it and I am so in love with him that I just don’t think I can do friends. Same situation all over again. I think I just have to forget about him. This is going to be really hard isn’t it?

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Taylor Swift

I am starting to think that my life is just following her back catalogue. Only my life is on steroids.

I guess it does make me feel slightly less alone in it all.

Shake it off bitches.

Alone

What do you do alone? I happen to do most things on me todd. At home and since I moved here. Never usually bothers me until I HAVE to do it alone because I haven’t a choice.

Anyway. Enough of feeling sorry for myself. Turns out Canadians don’t go to the cinema alone. Stupid because it makes me feel like I am on stage for something really small and inconsequential.

Done and done

So yeah. Big blow up. It is done.

I sent a message about eight hours later apologising for my part in the argument and expressing my hope that one day we would be friends but I got nothing back.

Thing is. I found myself searching for a one way ticket home for January. And I am not going to lie. It was for him. He said he still had all the feelings for me. He loves me and I love him. But I did my usual thing of pushing too hard and now he just isn’t here. I miss him.

Anyway. I think the homesickness is also getting to me a little. I haven’t not had that horrid sinking feeling in my chest since I got here and it really does suck. I haven’t cried but I just feel the start of a depression coming on. I really do not want to feel like this. Damn black cloud. Go Away. And while that is happening. PC come here.

Anyway. I would say that more dates are happening this weekend. Not sure if I am bothered or not but fuck it. It will keep me occupied. I just won’t get a wax so I cannot make stupid decisions.

I have started my new job. I am seriously hoping that this picks up my mood.

Once more to the breach

Kill me. Kill me now.

PC has not stepped up the the mark. In fact, he has backed off more than stepped up. So I decided to take things more into my own hands. Online dating, well Tinder dating again anyway.

I had my first date from it. I know… I move fast, a date and a job in less than two weeks. I also am building quite the network of friends which makes me very happy.

So about this date. He is Irish, living in Canada for five years. Sounds like we picked him out of the country 2 weeks ago his accent is so strong. He rocked up in a GAA jersey and bad shorts and runners. For a date. No. Just. No.

I called him out on it and he tried to tell me that I judge people on appearance too much and that I cannot change him yadda yadda yadda. I snapped him out of that one. I explained that if a woman makes an effort then it is only right that he should too. It isn’t about changing someone, it is about putting your best foot forward and going with that. I think he got it.

Anyway. The craic was mighty, the funniest guy I have hung around with in a very long time. He even came dancing with me.

So we agreed to be friends. Then made out. A lot. A lot of it was to shut him up. The more he talked the dryer I got but when we kissed. Wow. I had to finish myself off when I got home, put it that way.

So he kept asking me to go home with him, kept begging me to let him come back to mine. Obviously he didn’t, part of me wants the next person I have sex with to be the last one. And lets face it, he is not going to be that guy; but my god that man has some body. Damn Irish accent. We will call him Tipp.

I took his sunglasses so I guess I will have to see him again…

So then I was chatting to a Canadian fella. I am actually going to call him by his name SIMON. I had such high hopes for this man. The one that I had most in common with. He then went on to tell me that he likes sex, drugs and sometimes gets into fights. I tried to keep it civil “I don’t compromise on certain things, I don’t like being around drugs and fighting outside of a ring doesn’t do it for me” type of thing. But then he got abusive. So I sent the first message you see here. Then he got worse…

Screenshot_2015-07-19-14-23-40[1]

What a fucking douche bag. He is blocked. Alerted to tinder. And deleted. I sent that screenshot to PC and he under reacted. No such thing as defending my honor or wanting to from our good owel PC. He really is not fighting for me at all. Funny thing is. I feel like if I was to show Tipp he would freak the fuck out. I think I like that about him.

A letter

I always do this. Write a letter to get all my feelings out so I can finally sleep. This is what I got down for PC. Obviously I didn’t send it. It would have been slightly cray cray. And I don’t have his email address.

“I keep wondering what it would have been if I hadn’t of left. But I did. And I think that I would always want to do something like this and I am not sure if you would have been willing to be my partner in crime.

Even if I had of stayed I don’t know if we would have worked. In a lot of ways you are absolutely perfect for me, in others I just see warning signs flash in front of my eyes. I feel like if the going got tough you might have been tempted to get going. Long relationships take time and a lot of work. Long distance does too. You gave up on us. Would you have given up on us when one of us was ready to move in together? Or when marriage came up on the cards. Love is scary. Love makes it so you have to put your heart on the line for this one person in the world to do whatever they want to it and it can fucking suck.

I guess I am writing this because I want you to know how great you are. That you deserve to find someone equally great, but you won’t get them if you don’t believe them when they say that they want you back.

Thing is, I am a fixer. I see that I tend to meet guys that have been bruised and battered in the past and I want to help fix them. It is something that obviously isn’t working for me in the same way as you keeping guarded isn’t working for you. I have been through some God awful shit in the past and I have had awful things done to me and I have done some questionable things also. But I have gone to counselling. I own my shit. I have dealt with it and tried and tried to stop falling into self doubt mode. To try to trust. To remind myself that not every man is the same. You cannot protect yourself and still get what you want from life. The same way as I cannot live in the past and get my happily ever after.

Not wanting to do a long distance relationship is understandable but letting something like this slip through your fingers and wanting a “friendship” isn’t. Even your idea of a friendship with me is something you are keeping guarded. Gone are the first and last texts, now it is half hearted and hardly worth it. You never once asked to skype me. In protecting yourself you are ruining what could have been and really really hurting me. I have been nothing but open and honest. You only answer questions that are asked. You don’t volunteer information. Even telling me that you loved me. I was the first to say it and the second to feel it (not that I feel it any less). And once you said it I could feel you moving away from me. At this point I don’t even know how you feel.

Anyway. This is something that I do. Get everything out onto paper and consider sending it. Sometimes it makes it onto a blog somewhere other times into my drafts. I over think and analyse so much that sometimes I forget how much I enjoyed the moment. At the end of the day it was a month. If I was reading this I would say “get a grip, it was such a short time you will move on” and I will but it was a month unlike any other. I don’t know if moving away has heightened everything but to be honest? The only person I have missed is you. I have considered promising to come home in six months if you came to visit, but I cannot promise that if we aren’t worth it now. I am not sure that this is what you are ready for.

Anyway. Enough of the crazy over analysing Shinners. If you ever read this you will probably thank the lord nothing happened with us and think you had a narrow escape. “