Naming names

I noticed that I used my ex’s name two posts ago. I have always been so careful not to name names but this time I just didn’t give a fuck.

I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have done nothing wrong. His name is Stephen and he broke my heart. Now obviously I won’t be going into any more detail then this. I share quite a bit of my private life on this blog. But I have nothing to be ashamed of.

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Why didn’t you just say that?

If you were in to fatties and I didn’t do it for you, why didn’t you just say that?

If I still wasn’t big enough even after steroids, why didn’t you just say that?

If you didn’t want to deal with sick me, why didn’t you just say that?

If you thought the grass would be greener without me, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted to just go out drinking with the lads more, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted someone like your mother in looks and personality, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted to be lazy and not feel guilty about it, why didn’t you just say that?

Thing is. You text me. Wanting to know what I am doing, how I am, then you fuck another girl. Two big girls since me. You treat both like shit.

You know what? I don’t want to hear whatever you want to say now. You are a lazy, self centred dick that made me feel bad about myself. Made another girl apologise about her experience in the sack and didn’t even walk the next girl to the bus stop the next day.

You are a dick. You are fugly, fat, lazy, and unintelligent. And talking and treating other people badly helps you feel better about you and your average (at best) penis.

This post might sound like I am angry. I am actually smiling while typing. This is the last of it out of my system 🙂

I love me. I love my family. I love my friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 😀

Depression

The thing about depression, is that it hits you when you are not expecting it. It can happen while you have been feeling happy, it can hit you when you are feeling sad.

This time it has hit me when all the good things have been happening. I moved house, I met my half brother. And them slam bam lam I am depressed.

Thing is, I know the reason for it this time. My neighbour moved home, she had invited me up to hers for the night, we made plans, she forgot to confirm with her mother, she bailed yesterday AFTER I reminded her. There was family around in her home so I couldn’t go. That’s fine, I just don’t want to be the one to remind someone.  Then there was a whole thing about plans for drinks with work. Everyone bailed. I am just fed up of the whole thing. I had amazing plans and then they fell through.

That coupled with the fact that my new place is so fucking freezing that I am thrown back to the God awful days when this blog was started. When I lived with Mam and her ex and we didn’t have enough money for heating. This isn’t the case here, but I am after moving in with girls that work mad hours and a lot of nights. So I am alone in a freezing house. I have a week of work and nothing to fill my time, and to make things worse Mam is in Paris.

So I am at a loss, thinking about the past. Missing my ex, wanting nothing more then for him to find out where I live, knock on my door, take me in his arms and keep me warm. I am in a new house, he has never been here and that sucks.

Plus it is right around the corner from our first apartment. I pass it every day. I went to our pizza place today. Where we had our one and only date that he surprised me with. And I got a take away. I saw a couple and it was everything I could do not to cry.

I miss you Stephen. I miss you and I know that I shouldn’t and I know that you will never keep me warm in bed again. But I want it so badly right now. I want to go back one whole year. One whole year, I was sick but I didn’t know what was wrong. We lived together. We were going to spend Christmas together (and we did). We bought our very first tree.

I spent two days with my half brother. And the only person I wanted to talk to about it was you. I wanted to call you Stephen and tell you.

You attacked me, bullied me, turned me into a shadow of myself. And I loved you with every inch. I adored you and I wanted you. You broke me in the most sinister way possible.

And now I am depressed again. Months later, I am feeling it again. Please let this end.