Catching up and settling in

So. Yeah. I have moved. I have my own place now and I am completely in love with it. Slightly bored the odd time but generally I am incredibly happy here. It is a little attic apartment/studio that is ALL MINE. It is quiet and cheap and warm. What more could I ask for really?

One thing I guess. For it not to be three blocks from where Big lives, and three blocks from where Big works. Awkward.

So my Aussie friend has been getting into my head. I don’t think she means to but being the mutual friend of myself and Bigs puts her in this situation that she just doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. Myself and my Indian friend came to the conclusion that maybe Aussie unintentionally lead to our relationship breaking down. Because lets face it, the amount of information, both verbal and non-verbal that I have gotten from her about Big since the breakup has driven me mad. Maybe we were both getting this when we were together too.

She told him I had been to the hospital! She told me he was upset about me deleting him from Facebook. All this information. So much he said, she said. It is too much.

Anyways. I ran into Big. I saw him today and I just knew that we HAD to talk.

So we did. I still feel quite deeply for him I think. I believe that I am still in shock about it all. Shock isn’t fun. I don’t think I have ever been so blindsided by anyone in my life and I never want to be again. But whatever. I saw him and survived it. I am alive and we both want to tell Aussie to stay out of things. So that is good. Now I don’t have to be the bad guy.

Sinking in

It is sinking in. Some sort of delayed reaction occurred I believe.

I had told him and told myself that I don’t want children. I don’t know. I was talking to my Australian friend and I realised something.

I can blame him sometimes because I want to be enough for my “one” but on another hand I know I can’t.

I saw what he wanted for a second. He wanted the person that he loved, huge in bed with his big meaty hands rubbing the belly and feeling the baby kick while quietly talking baby names. He wanted to know that that baby is half of his genetics and half the woman that he loves.

I can’t say that it doesn’t break my heart knowing that I will never have that with any man that I love. I will never have that choice. I want that choice.

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to realise that I would like this option. It is like I just turned all those feelings off to protect myself. I decided that I didn’t like being around children, that I didn’t want them. I did it to protect myself from dealing with the issue of not being able to have them in a healthy, sensible way.

Look. This isn’t me saying I want children. It is me saying that I really don’t know how I feel. This breaks me.

Relapse

So no more dates with the crohnsie  have happened. Much to my dismay. Not going to lie… even thinking about him makes me get a tad excited.  Yummmmmmmm.

Saturday the fireworks were on. I ended up going with the Irish fella Tipp. We slept together.  The funny thing is, he is so eager. Mad about me in fact and I am really not bothered.  I have told him how I feel so don’t worry, I am not leading him on. But yeah. The sex was grand. He came so quickly it was actually hilarious.  He did however make it up to me. And he did a fairly good job at it so one cannot stay mad for long.

He had brought one condom only and when he wanted to go again and suggested no condom. I literally kicked him out of the apartment.  That will teach him.

Thing is. And yeah. I am sick of it too. I just want to talk to pc. Again.  At this point it feels like I miss my best friend. I wish I had an indication on whether or not he felt the same way about me. I messaged him after Tipp left asking why he hadn’t contacted me and telling him it would be the last time I messaged him if I didn’t hear back. Nadda. Absolutely nadda.

Delayed reaction

So usually my posts are put up last thing at night. When I cannot sleep. It might account for the sometimes questionable grammar and spelling (please don’t start checking this post now).

This one is before I go to work. It is nearly midday and I have to get stuff out onto paper.

I had a great date on Wednesday night with a Canadian guy from Tinder. Turns out he has crohns too and what a kisser! So attractive, hairy. Just yum.

I had a second date with him last night. We were both tired, it probably shouldn’t have been done. But we did anyway. Still an excellent kisser but my God he is hard to read. I got the bus home and a sad song came on and I just started crying over PC.

This guy is so much more my type physically. And kissing. But I just miss that personality connection I had with PC. It was like we were best friends as soon as we met eachother. I really really miss him. Is there anything I can do about it? Probably not. He doesn’t want to do anything about it and I am so in love with him that I just don’t think I can do friends. Same situation all over again. I think I just have to forget about him. This is going to be really hard isn’t it?

When the bullets keep coming

Not everything you read online is true.

So when it is said that I have suffered with anal leakage when I have been on medication. That is quite literally bullshit.

When it is said by my ex. It is even more bullshit. He stayed with me a little more than two months of me being on meds. I have now been on them over a year. I have suffered with “leakage” never. Not even with the preparations for my colonoscopys.

He reassured me every time I felt dirty and unsexy in his own controlling way. And now he posts up that his ex had crohns and used to leak while on meds.

Stephen. You didn’t know me on meds. On meds, in remission in less than a year. I have never been healthier. Yes I have bad days. But I am working out 5 days a week. I have not had any sort of accident. And the only shit that you will be smelling is the shit that is coming out of your mouth, coming directly from your brain.

I seriously feel sorry for your new girlfriend. I hope that she realises what a prize tool you are as soon as possible. I want her to break your heart enough for both of us.

That is it. I am done letting you own that your ex had crohns. It isn’t your thing. You are not here, you are not living with it and you ran away rather than dealing with it. I am moving to Canada alone. I am taking my leaking ass and getting out of this country without you. So shove that.

Why didn’t you just say that?

If you were in to fatties and I didn’t do it for you, why didn’t you just say that?

If I still wasn’t big enough even after steroids, why didn’t you just say that?

If you didn’t want to deal with sick me, why didn’t you just say that?

If you thought the grass would be greener without me, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted to just go out drinking with the lads more, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted someone like your mother in looks and personality, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted to be lazy and not feel guilty about it, why didn’t you just say that?

Thing is. You text me. Wanting to know what I am doing, how I am, then you fuck another girl. Two big girls since me. You treat both like shit.

You know what? I don’t want to hear whatever you want to say now. You are a lazy, self centred dick that made me feel bad about myself. Made another girl apologise about her experience in the sack and didn’t even walk the next girl to the bus stop the next day.

You are a dick. You are fugly, fat, lazy, and unintelligent. And talking and treating other people badly helps you feel better about you and your average (at best) penis.

This post might sound like I am angry. I am actually smiling while typing. This is the last of it out of my system 🙂

I love me. I love my family. I love my friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 😀

Getting under

Is the only way to get over someone to get under someone else?

The closest I have gotten to getting over him was when I was dating someone else. But then they were assholes. Fact is, do I need to fuck someone else?

He probably has, he has gotten over me grand. Infact, he has kissed two girls and gotten shit faced in two nights. I on the other hand, have spent two nights at home. I have enjoyed it and my body really needed it but it isn’t moving on.

What is moving on anyway? Not caring about him anymore? Not angry or upset when I think about him? Or just fucking someone else?

God only knows! I really want someone to tell me how to move on. Please. Anyone. Just tell me.

Sometimes I wish I was a man, they seem to be able to switch off so much quicker. Well. That is unless you are my mothers ex, they just seem to stay around (apart from the most recent one; the one that she wanted to keep around).

With my first boyfriend, I never lived with him, I had never given everything to him. I never had a joint bank account with him. I hadn’t planned a wedding. With him I did all of this. I just don’t know how I will ever give myself to anyone else. I don’t know how I will trust someone so completely again after I made such a shit judgement?

The thought of going furniture shopping with someone and getting excited about getting keys to a new home with someone, feels so foreign. Actually makes me want to puke.

Thing is, this all kicked off in May. It is now October. How long until I feel normal? Will it be a year? Will a year pass when I am not treading on old memories, I am making new ones?

I am already dreading going away, my first without him. Or Christmas… unpacking the decorations that we bought for our first together. I Cannot even imagine having a Christmas without him. We spent last Christmas with his family after waking up and going to sleep in our apartment with presents under our tree. Who will carry my real tree?

I am just so fed up of this. He is back at home. We had memories there, but he had memories with other people there too, it isn’t just me and him memories. Not like my whole life at the moment. Purely me and him memories.