Wake up call

So I had a conversation over text with one of my best friends about the ex.

So this is basically the complete messages:

Me: Nah. Just not dating. No interest. It was our three year yday. No text or nothing. Went drinking with 3 girls at Oktoberfest, what we used to do for my birthday. If someone I was with for that long can do that and not think of me then I want to be single

Her: I wouldn’t call you either !! You’re the ex !!

Me: He had said he would text the last time I spoke to him.

Her: You know by now that he doesn’t have your best interests at heart and everytime you speak to him you show him how little dignity and self respect you have for yourself. I guess he’s gotta hurt you worse for you to see that for yourself.

Me: Ouch. It is not that he hurt me. It is more that I expect to be treated the way I treat others. I expect him to respect me the way that I finally do for myself.

Her: When people show you who they are ..believe them the first time.

You seem intent on remaining emotionally connected to someone who has told you outright that he loves you but is happier without you… And that’s something i’ve yet to understand.

He doesn’t want to be an consistent part of your life…and he shows you that time and time again 😦

Me: I get what you are saying. I am dealing with it the only way I know how. He has told me he loves me yes, and that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore yes. But it is more the hoping that our whole relationship wasn’t a lie. Also. My self esteem. You have to understand that people react to that differently

Her: He doesn’t determine the worth or value or truth in your relationship.. He wasn’t in it by himself. You know your intentions and level of honesty in that relationship, if he wasn’t honorable or acted with integrity that has no bearing whatsoever on who you are or what the relationship meant to you. You give him far too much power, and i’m afraid you will keep giving and giving and giving little bits of yourself til one day you won’t know WHO YOU ARE! If he said “yep everything i told you was a lie?” Would that make you feel any better ? I doubt it. It seems like holding on to him keeps the ground underneath your feet… That’s a dangerous amount of emotional power to give to anyone. I speak from experience !! If you keep this up, you will eventually draw a man who sees this in you and will manipulate you.. Men like that are drawn to hurting women like sharks are drawn to blood in the water.  You are more valuable than that, and nothing will change until you fully embrace that.

Shinners, i say this with love not judgement. I see what a funny, sassy, articulate young woman who has alot to offer, it’s frustrating to see someone I love dearly continue to “cast your pearls before swine”. You give and give and you are let down, He has emotionally divorced himself from a romantic relationship (it’s easier for men anyway) so he doesn’t feel a duty of care to return a text or honor you. He would do it to anyone, not just you. I know its early days in your breakup and it was a serious relationship but I’m BEGGING, BEGGING you to find a different way of handling your feelings without involving him.

Me: It wouldn’t be that way for everyone, just me he treats like that. There is a reason he was exes with all his friends, he had been dumped and he behaved well. He treated me like shit. I know what you are saying and I appreciate it. I have just decided that I cannot date for a while. The though of trusting someone makes me want to vomit. I am just not ready and him not texting me hit it home that I am just not ready. I need to be alone for a while. And that is okay I think.

Her: That’s perfectly reasonable for you to be single now… It would unrealistic for anyone to expect you to “get over him” and jump headfirst in being with another guy… Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it and I want only the very best for you. ((Hugs))

So yeah, I have a pretty amazing friend right there. I was discussing things with my neighbour and I kinda realised that I went from one abusive relationship to another. The one with Mams ex and now with my ex. I need to break this pattern and I need to realise that I am worth more then this. 

I need to let go of him and not care about his actions. I am not saying that I am there yet. I am realising that this is what I need to do though.

Single Ladies

So I have decided to reclaim this song. Two weeks ago, this made me depressed. I think there are a few reasons for it.

I hate being single again, the first time I heard this song after the break up I nearly cried. I mean, I love the song but I am not used to me being one of the single ladies!

The other is that she broke up with him because he wouldn’t put a ring on it. In my head I had decided to live with the boy for one year. He had one year to put a ring on it. Then we moved house so it became a year and six months (because of the leases) but if I am honest, I am not sure if I would ever have left. I think I would have held on.

I am ashamed of myself that I carried on against what I knew I was comfortable with. I wanted an engagement. I wanted a show that he was in it for the long haul. I wanted to know that he thought I was the one.

Well, I got none of these. And I am ashamed that I wasn’t the one to say goodbye.

Also, he used to always say he didn’t believe in “the one” and shit like that. I just feel a pain.

As you all know, I spoke to him about two weeks ago. We were on the phone for over an hour. It was a mostly nice conversation in which we discussed our three year anniversary. I said it would sting if I never heard from him. He promised to text me.

Well it was yesterday. I heard nothing from him at all. I am shocked that I am surprised. I seem to keep on wanting to be punished for loving someone that wasn’t right for me.

I actually cannot work out what I would do if he said he wanted me back. This worries me…

Awful Date

This is the email I wrote to a friend about the date I went on Sunday.

First I turned up and couldn’t find him. He was at one of the three bars in the place. He didn’t offer to meet me at the door. Found him, didn’t find him attractive. He stayed at the bar and it became obvious that it wasn’t his first drink of the night.
I thought he might be just bad at texting but it turns out he was fairly thick, it was seriously loud and whenever he spoke to me he put his beer infront of his mouth so I hadn’t a clue what he said.

He started flirting with a woman waiting at the bar. Going on to me about how much he loved the South African accent (which she had). He was meant to be getting me food but it turns out he meant bar food, at the bar, in the temple bar. I declined because I wanted to get out of there.

He kept on making “Jokes” about me not drinking even though I told him before that I don’t drink anymore.

Anyway. I went to the loo, planning to come back feeling unwell and leave. But on the way down the stairs, someone puked behind me. I got caught in the cross fire.

So I went up and told him I wanted to go home because someone puked on me. He said “Ok”. That was it. No how are you no nothing.

So I got home and I got a text “Did you get the puke out of your top lol :)” I blocked him.

So that was my date. I should be single for ever.

Date A Guy With Crohn’s Disease

I just love this. I want to find a fellow crohnsie to spend my life with 😉

#20habits

Crohn’s Disease (and/or Colitis) is a chronic, incurable, immune-related disease that eats its way around your colon and small intestine. Your immune system (for some reason) starts attacking that area causing massive weight loss, painful cramps, internal bleeding, loss of energy/cognitive thinking ability, and frequent trips to the bathroom. To top it all off, Doctors don’t know what causes it or how to cure it.

But amidst all of that chaos, Crohn’s has a bright side.

I’m a big believer in making your situations work for you to the best they can. We too often let our attitudes be reflections of a situation, when really; we should be cultivating powerful attitudes to change the situations we’re in for the better. It takes a lot of guts (pun intended) for someone with Crohn’s to see the bright side of what they have, so let’s hope this can act as some sort…

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Like living with the worst boyfriend

Crohns is the worst boyfriend ever. It is always in your life, takes away any sex drive and just makes you pure miserable.

I am having a pretty shit time of it at the moment. I feel sick when I eat and then shit the whole lot out. My asshole is on fire and itching like mad (feels like thrush for your anus). I have lost weight but i look 6 month pregnant by the end of the day.

I literally cannot stop burping, I cannot risk farting unless I am on the loo, it will follow through.

Now my legs have been playing up, as has my lower back.

I need to get time off work but I need to pay my rent. The chronic fatigue is the bit that gets me probably the worst. It is quite isolating, living alone and being so tired that after work all I want to do is go home, but that doesn’t mean I want to go home and be alone. This is where an actual boyfriend would come in handy.

The sex thing. I still get horny but I feel so disgusting I cannot imagine actually doing anything. I mean when you go to the loo five times a day it is hard to feel sexy. My ex had a thing for ass. Obviously anal penetration was taken off the board quite soon after the symptoms started to show, but he was still mad for the ass. This made me so uncomfortable at times. How can you take something that someone likes so much away from them? Probably played a part in the breakup if I am honest.

I have not vacuumed in over two weeks. I have no energy to at all.

Liebster Award

Liebster Award

So this is a tough one! This is not something that I ever thought I would ever have to do. This blog was my travel journal when I went to America for three months and it has grown from there. I have been so bad at blogging at times (usually when I am happy) but now I have over 50 subscribers and lots of other readers! It is something that just shocks me every day.

So my fellow blogger You are living your story nominated me and it is just such a delight! She has such a mature mind and a great insight for life. Reading her blog reminds me that not every teenager is the same and yet there are common threads in growing up, regardless of where you are in the world.

Here are the rules, I am going to try and follow them as best I can (but I am not sure if I actually know 11 bloggers with under 200 followers):

Rule #1: Post the award logo on your blog.
Rule #2: Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their site.
Rule #3: Write 11 Random facts about yourself.
Rule #4: Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and who have less than 200 followers.
Rule #5: Answer the 11 questions they have left and ask your nominees 11 questions.

Okay… so I have done one and two

Rule #3: Write 11 Random facts about yourself.

1) I will start with the generic – My favorite colour is green.

2) I kinda pick my nose

3) I get really itchy when I am tired. It starts at my nose but spreads to my whole body

4) A lot of my favorite books are teen novels.

5) I have a long list of places that I need to see. I have wanted to go to Japan in the countryside since I read a book “Across the Nightingale Floor”. The traditions and the culture just excites me. I have always wanted to go to Iceland too but I haven’t been yet because part of me thinks that I will go and never come back. I am not ready for this yet.

6) I have to wear factor 50 every day. Partially because of my pale skin, partially because of the medication that I am on.

7) I used to have turtles. I called them Twinkle toes and Little star. I used to sing Twinkle twinkle little star to them. They just loved me feeding them from my hands which is quite rare.

8) I love trash TV

9) I collect badges from every place I visit since I was 21. I have recently bought a cork board and painted it for me to display them.

10) I have a crazy accent that changes depending on my humor. If I am ranting it tends to get Irish. If I am bitching I tend to take on an American accent and if I am angry I let my posh English out. When I am trying to do accents they always come out Indian.

11) I have a hatred of individual selfies being posted. I have a couple when I have looked really good, but I would never upload them because I hate that looking for attention thing but still want to remember how pretty I looked when I am older.

Rule #4: Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and who have less than 200 followers.

This is a tough one. So I went through the blogs I followed and picked the ones that have under 200 followers, I don’t know if there will be 11 be here it goes….

Gingersjourney’s Blog 

Only Partly Erotic

Uberblonde

A British Girl’s Guide to Dating

The Film Cynic

The Feminerds

The Dream Journal Today

Erotic Exploration

Rule #5: Answer the 11 questions they have left and ask your nominees 11 questions.

1. Do you like to watch Horror movies? Nope; I hate them! I cannot deal with anything jumping so I just avoid them at all costs because I end up making a fool of myself while watching them.
2. What would be your dream pet? A pot belly pig. Or a micro pig. I actually emailed a company asking them how much they are and they never got a response… I must chase this up.
3. What is your biggest fear of all time and why? My Mam dying. I actually don’t know if I will cope. She is my rock and probably my soul mate (in a non-sexual way obviously). I feel like I could do an Alexander McQueen on it and actually not be able to cope so much that I kill myself.
4. What was your favorite subject in school? When I was in England it was art. In Ireland it was a toss up between English and Biology.
5. What is your ”favorite” activity to do on a rainy day? Well we get quite a few rainy days. I like it when it is raining on my days in work so I don’t feel so bad about being stuck indoors. Either that or a sofa day or going to the cinema.
6. Do you smoke? Hell no!
7. How many hours a week do you think you put into your blog & blogposts? 3?!
8. What is your favorite fruit? Ahhhhh I miss fruit. Stupid crohns. I love them all!
9. Favorite perfume? I don’t really wear perfume often in general but I do like coco mademoiselle
10. Your most used social media website? Facebook
11. Animal lover or hater? I don’t have any so I wouldn’t say that I am a lover and I am deffo not a hater. But probably closer to a lover.

So questions…

1) Describe your ideal day

2) What would shock people the most about you if they had access to your internet history?

3) What kind of pants (underwear) do you wear?

4) Favorite book?

5) Kindle or book?

6) If you could only watch one film for the rest of your life, what would it be?

7) What album has gotten you through the toughest times?

8) Most people say that they will try anything once, what is your “apart from”?

9) What is your guilty pleasure?

10) Could you live without technology for a day?

11) Do you watch sport? What do you watch?

Full Circle

So I spoke to the ex today. I was going through and deleting old texts and I just thought I would call him to catch up.

I asked him about counselling, asked him whether or not he was still going. I also asked him about his ex.

For once he told me the truth. He is not at counselling anymore. He feels like his main issue, which was his ex, has been resolved.

So I asked him about the ex. She had contacted him. They met up. Turns out, she showed her true colours to him that night. The colours that everyone had told him was there and what he had managed to ignore or what she had managed to hide for 5 years.

He told me that she contacted him and they met up. He said that she acted weird from the beginning, flirting a lot and then with more drink on her, she started behaving like he was bothering her to strangers and then picking arguments with him.

Now, I am well aware that he is a stinking liar and there are two sides to every story. But the fact that he told me. And he actually apologised for putting me through all this drama. It is just mad wrapping my head around the fact that it wasn’t all in my head. It is her head. She is a crazy ass bitch and he has been a stinking liar.

They would make a great couple right?

Anyway, she has moved to Southampton to be with her boyfriend (poor him!) and I am sure that it just will not be mentioned to him; or there will be another lie told. I kinda think that drama follows my ex and his ex around. Silly people. You want drama? Get Crohns.

ANYWAY. This has provided me with at least some closure. He didn’t lie again and we were on the phone for over an hour just chatting. It was kinda nice and just rounded things off.

A side of me

I saw a side of myself tonight that I didn’t like.

I finished work exhausted. I am always exhausted but with days of no sleep followed by two nights of nightmares featuring the ex, I have been particularly tired.

Basically, I was on my way home to just chill. Mam had asked me out but I am just so tired that I knew I would snap at her or my aunt and I was just better off staying away.

I called my neighbour from Lidl to ask her if she wanted anything. When she informed me that the girl she had been on a date with the night before was still at her apartment.

I got a major case of the green eye. It is not something that I am proud of. Usually I snap out pretty quickly but this time it dragged on for a while this feeling.

I am happy for her. I shouldn’t feel sad that my time with her was less because of a new interest. I should be delighted that there is an interest.

Now just to make it clear. I am not wanting her in a sexual way. It is more that I am relying too much on other people at the moment and I am ashamed that it took me so long to realise it and snap out of it.

Anyway. More sleeping pills popped. Fingers cross for no nightmares tonight. I would like to feel human again.

That Song

I have gone from feeling amazing to feeling back at square one.

I had an amazing day on Tuesday, lovely customer after lovely customer, compliments all round for me.

One of the customers was a psychic. She was lovely. Told me that I am going to write a book, that I am a writer. Obviously she knows nothing about this blog and nothing about my degree. So this was a real shock. She said I will write exactly how I speak.

Now I know you don’t all know this, but I am actually pretty funny. I just sometimes find it hard to put it into writing. So maybe this is something that I need to work on. Anyway. She also said that there was someone in my past that used to put my sense of humor down all the time. She said that they did this because they were jealous of me and my education because they were uneducated.

Now my ex was a clever guy. But he never even passed the leaving. I encouraged him to go back and study to do it again, but he bailed. He always said it wasn’t a problem but I never got how it didn’t bother him. I never put him down about it but I did encourage him. Is it possible that he put me down to make himself feel batter about that? Telling me that my degree was worthless.

My boss whom usually hates me actually picked up on the fact that I know my shit and I was asked advice and complimented on my organisational skills. I was actually given extra responsibility. This is great for my CV even for nothing else.

Anyway great day. But then I got tired and things went downhill. I have not slept properly in 4 nights and I am living on borrowed time. I am pretty sure the ex got back in contact with the bitch and this breaks my heart. He is talking like he will never get over her. This is how he should be talking about me. Not her. What was I? A three year rebound after 2 1/2 years of singledom? How my heart breaks.

Anyway. I got herbal sleeping tablets last night and I slept like a log until my sobs woke me up. No one was there to hold me. Sure the one person I wanted there was the reason that the sobs wracked my body so hard that I woke myself up. My face was soaking and I couldn’t breath. Horrible right?

Anyway.Today on the bus I realised there is not a single song that is making me feel better about the whole thing. Music is so important to me. There is a song for most times in my life. Most times in my life I have worked through with the help of a song that just puts into words and movement my feelings in a way that I just cannot.

I have been missing this. And I think that for me it is an important part of moving on. Irreplaceable worked for a little while but I felt a little too Crazy in Love for it (see what I did there?!) Taylor Swift, Damien Rice, Beyonce, Glen Hansard. NADDA.

Then the above song just did it. Everything is so true. Well apart from the river. Everything else is right. Therefore. I am going to do something I never do and post the lyrics.

“I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

My friends had you figured out
Yeah, they saw what’s inside of you
You tried hiding another you
But your evil was coming through

These guys sitting on the wall
They watch every move I make
Bright light living in the shade
Your cold heart makes my spirit shake

I had to go through hell to prove I’m not insane
Had to meet the devil just to know his name

And that’s when my love was burning
Yeah, it’s still burning

I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Each time that I think you go
I turn around and you’re creeping in
And I let you under my skin
‘Cause I love living in the sin

Boy you never told me
True love was going to hurt
True pain I don’t deserve
Truth is that I never learn

I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
No more haunting baby

I keep going to the river

I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake”

I did feel insane. He made me feel insane. All my friends did see through him. I do still love him. But he is seriously a demon. It is actually crazy, but I have this song on repeat and every time I hear it I feel so much better.

Celebrating

Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂