Playboys and the Western world

I am about as single as one could be right now.  I made out with someone in the stock room in work.  This guy just looks at me and I want to undress.  The sex incredible etc.  But we hadn’t done anything for a month,  then I find myself making out with him in work. 

This is the day after the guy that should be made for me asked me to be his girlfriend. And I told him that I had to think about it.  He was perfect,  patient,  funny and kind.  But I didn’t want to have sex with him. Thats an issue isn’t it?

Then I went on a date,  and made out with him,  and made out with a random guy in a club.  I am a playboy peeps. 

Added to that. The stock room guy,  looks like he was sleeping with two girls at the same time.  He is the ultimate asshole,  especially considering I had asked about his relationship with the next door neighbour,  turns out that was a blatant lie. 

I am tired.  I have an ear infection and I am not making a whole lot of sense. Yay autoimmune diseases.

Things it is easy to forget

When I was at my lowest, after Stephen left and I found myself living alone I saw something in the amazing shop that is Penneys. It is a cushion. White with rainbow writing, “Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day”.

Now I am not usually one for inspirational quotes and especially not inspirational quotes on cushions, but this spoke to me, and I got it. I also got a rainbow blanket to match, and these things followed me over to Canada. They are on my rocking chair. I see them every day but they just don’t compute with me sometimes.

Today is one of those days. My life has turned into some sort of a shit storm if I am honest. I have been demoted in work. They are basically taking the one reason for me to be in this country away from me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my job. I loath it. I love my staff but I hate head office so much. I hate their lack of concern for the store, the fact that they have given me no support, now they ship in the new District Manager and instead of saying “What can I do to help?” they say “We are going to demote you to Assistant Manager again, back in your old store and bring someone new in”.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day on and off the phone to police trying to get them to warn my father to stay away from me and not harass me anymore. Now this.

I actually wonder how people get lives that just plod along. You know? Simple enough, no huge dramas, well maybe one or two but nothing like this. For me it is just BAM BAM BAM. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. But honestly? I am struggling to work out why the universe likes to just take a shit storm at my door every time I seem to get my life on some sort of track. I am half expecting to go into a Crohns flare. You know. Just because the universe can do that to me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that so many people have it worse then me. But there are only so many times in my life that I can hear “It’s okay, you are a tough cookie, you will get through it.”



I like to believe in karma, I really do. but seriously. I have not been a bad person. Maybe a couple of times I have hurt people, but I have felt so bad about it I have punished myself for that. What on earth can I do to get a stable life?

Living alone in a foreign country sucks. Like seriously sucks. Why the fuck?!

Two men. Two opinions.

There are two main men in my life right now. The guy from work and the guy I was seeing before that started.

I am back seeing him again. We went to the cinema and it was like old times. Just friends that kiss and occasionally spoon. So it was mentioned that we have been seeing each other for four months. We had a laugh. Then carried on like normal. See. Nothing had changed, we still liked each other, we still both knew where is was going (nowhere) and we still enjoyed each others company.

I left and got a text about how easygoing I am. It was nice. We are nice. It is just nice.

Today. The guy I work with basically tore my personality apart. Told me that he felt like he had made a lucky escape. I felt like my heart been completely grabbed. It was awful.

Instead of thinking about comments and things that I said in the short time we were dating, and since, in a way that he would think I would make them. Because. You know. He has known me for quite a while. So you would think that if he thought something dodge about something I had said, that he would have just asked me.

He thinks I play mind games. He thinks that I wanted too much. Accused me of forcing him into a corner. Putting times on things. Being a bitch.

Okay. I will hold my hands up to the bitch. But he really read into things. Saying that I would subtly rub my neck in the shop as a type of dig at him and such. Like seriously? Why would I bother?

I put a time line on things. He asked for time until he wasn’t working with me anymore. I said no. He said that could be a week. I said no. Why? Because he believes my words were meant to force and trap. I told him. Or think I told him. Or rather, I meant. That it wasn’t fair on the first guy? Why? Because I had already cancelled one set of plans with him and it would be mean to mess him around. Guy from work seems to think I said “I won’t wait for a week to decide, otherwise I will go back to my other guys”.

So yeah. Two guys. Two very differing opinions of me. Now. Who is right?




When cake is your only friend

I am thinking that maybe this is the start of the end. The end of my adventure here. I miss my friends. I miss my Mam.

I just really need people that know me. I really need a hug. I really need to know that I am safe.

I shouldn’t have tried to date my assistant manager. I shouldn’t have. But. And there is a big but. He is from home. He is a Galway guy. He is funny. We know the same things, we have the same Irish interests and we both moved here alone. He has a couple more people then me, but on the whole, we are each others best friends. We see each other more than we see anyone else.

It was bound to happen. Everyone knew it was going to happen. They would just see us together and know that there was something a tiny bit magical about it.

I am pretty sure he is in love with me. I love him as a friend anyway and I know that we both feel that. I feel like I ruined the best thing that I have here. Even though the sex went a bit weird.

He has convinced himself that he wants to be single for his time over here. I have messed this up, so he picked arguments and was a bit of a dick so that it would be easier for him to convince himself that it just wasn’t worth it. He has admitted this.

I haven’t got heart break. I have heart ache. Made worse by me seeing him all the time He has an interview and while I know it is best he gets it, I feel nauseous at the thought of not seeing him. Not speaking to him and hearing him laugh all the time.

I really miss home. I am angry that I have ruined a friendship and I really miss my life. I miss having people to call. I just miss being me.

Maybe I just need to go back for a visit. It has been six months. Maybe I need to just go home for two weeks and just re connect with things and remember how things weren’t that great over there.


I have been so unbelievably mentally busy that I completely forgot to update this.

Life has just been non-stop. So much so that I have only just started to feel homesick.

Firstly. Health. I did have a tough week with my stomach but then I started my period so panic over! I have had three periods in five weeks though but I think it is my coil finally settling in. I now also have a cold but sure that is part and parcel of life and having no immune system isn’t it?

Second. Work. Work has been mental and I have just received a promotion. Within six weeks I have been promoted and given a new store to open as Store Manager. It is basically unheard of and fairly shocking but exciting all the same. I am not happy with the money that they have offered me but I am looking at going to a career adviser anyway to maybe look at getting out of this aspect of retail. I am exhausted with so many long hours and sporadic starting times my body is just tired (which I think has also lead to the cold).

Thirdly. Friends. So I have steadily been making and keeping friends, both here and at home. My Mam and my best friend back home have both booked flights over so one is over at the end of October and the other is coming over at Christmas. This is very exciting. I just got back from a weekend away with a friend over here. We went to Whistler. It was nice but part of me feels that I give more to that friendship then what I get back from her. But sure. Plenty more time and plenty more people to meet in my travels.

And lastly. Boyfriend. Through the previously mentioned friend, I met my boyfriend. Mr B. He is both perfect and flawed. We have both been single for a very long time and have been in long relationships that didn’t last. In his case, he was married. It is actually taking us both a lot of getting used to adjusting to eachother. It probably doesn’t help that he is American so sometimes the communication is a little stilted. But yeah… we will see how it goes. Sometimes he makes me so happy that I picture everything with him. Other times… not so much. I am going to give it a bit of time but sometimes he goes all school teachery on me which makes me feel a little bit controlled. I really don’t want Stephen 2.0.

But the sex is frigging incredible. Like. OMG. Amazing. Him and his big penis. Yum.

Right well now I have to go because I am all turned on again. Even when he isn’t around he has this effect on me. Mad about the man I am.

When the ex refers to you

People are most likely wondering how I moved on. I just noticed that one of my last posts was about how I was still madly in love with him, well rather, I was struggling to get over him.

Well, he finished paying back the money that he owed me. He then sent me a few texts asking for his stuff back. The way that he phrased the text messaged just wound me up the wrong way. He was all cold hearted, wanting money if I didn’t have his stuff or if I had damaged it.

Now. Hold up. Have I taken the high road? Yep. Have I had a few questionable moments? Of course. But I have ALWAYS been the better person out of the two of us through this whole thing.

So anyways, I respond that no, he would never get a penny out of me, and yes I have his stuff but I would need a bit of time to look for it. I had moved house.

Now through all of this, he started ranting online about me. Somewhere that he wasn’t registered under his name. He told his cronies that the money had been a gift, basically made out that he was a saint for paying me back. Then he did the worst thing ever. He called me a c**t. Now you may have noticed how I don’t usually block out swear words, but this word is so repulsive to me that I just had to do it.

So that was it. I blocked him from whatsapp, deleted him from FB, texted him the next day to say that his stuff was in work.

This is where it got interesting. I left them in work while I got my colonoscopy. I got back. They were still there. For weeks, they were still there.

So on Thursday I bagged them up. Marched over to his work and left them at reception. I didn’t think it took that much guts until I did it. I left and realised that I am a badass.

I texted him “Your things are down in reception in your job” his reply “Oh. okay thanks”

The next day I woke up to a reminder on my phone. It was Stephens birthday.

I took the higher road and ended up sticking it to the man.

So this is how I moved from blogging about the dickhead and started blogging about the new dickhead.

A side of me

I saw a side of myself tonight that I didn’t like.

I finished work exhausted. I am always exhausted but with days of no sleep followed by two nights of nightmares featuring the ex, I have been particularly tired.

Basically, I was on my way home to just chill. Mam had asked me out but I am just so tired that I knew I would snap at her or my aunt and I was just better off staying away.

I called my neighbour from Lidl to ask her if she wanted anything. When she informed me that the girl she had been on a date with the night before was still at her apartment.

I got a major case of the green eye. It is not something that I am proud of. Usually I snap out pretty quickly but this time it dragged on for a while this feeling.

I am happy for her. I shouldn’t feel sad that my time with her was less because of a new interest. I should be delighted that there is an interest.

Now just to make it clear. I am not wanting her in a sexual way. It is more that I am relying too much on other people at the moment and I am ashamed that it took me so long to realise it and snap out of it.

Anyway. More sleeping pills popped. Fingers cross for no nightmares tonight. I would like to feel human again.

That Song

I have gone from feeling amazing to feeling back at square one.

I had an amazing day on Tuesday, lovely customer after lovely customer, compliments all round for me.

One of the customers was a psychic. She was lovely. Told me that I am going to write a book, that I am a writer. Obviously she knows nothing about this blog and nothing about my degree. So this was a real shock. She said I will write exactly how I speak.

Now I know you don’t all know this, but I am actually pretty funny. I just sometimes find it hard to put it into writing. So maybe this is something that I need to work on. Anyway. She also said that there was someone in my past that used to put my sense of humor down all the time. She said that they did this because they were jealous of me and my education because they were uneducated.

Now my ex was a clever guy. But he never even passed the leaving. I encouraged him to go back and study to do it again, but he bailed. He always said it wasn’t a problem but I never got how it didn’t bother him. I never put him down about it but I did encourage him. Is it possible that he put me down to make himself feel batter about that? Telling me that my degree was worthless.

My boss whom usually hates me actually picked up on the fact that I know my shit and I was asked advice and complimented on my organisational skills. I was actually given extra responsibility. This is great for my CV even for nothing else.

Anyway great day. But then I got tired and things went downhill. I have not slept properly in 4 nights and I am living on borrowed time. I am pretty sure the ex got back in contact with the bitch and this breaks my heart. He is talking like he will never get over her. This is how he should be talking about me. Not her. What was I? A three year rebound after 2 1/2 years of singledom? How my heart breaks.

Anyway. I got herbal sleeping tablets last night and I slept like a log until my sobs woke me up. No one was there to hold me. Sure the one person I wanted there was the reason that the sobs wracked my body so hard that I woke myself up. My face was soaking and I couldn’t breath. Horrible right?

Anyway.Today on the bus I realised there is not a single song that is making me feel better about the whole thing. Music is so important to me. There is a song for most times in my life. Most times in my life I have worked through with the help of a song that just puts into words and movement my feelings in a way that I just cannot.

I have been missing this. And I think that for me it is an important part of moving on. Irreplaceable worked for a little while but I felt a little too Crazy in Love for it (see what I did there?!) Taylor Swift, Damien Rice, Beyonce, Glen Hansard. NADDA.

Then the above song just did it. Everything is so true. Well apart from the river. Everything else is right. Therefore. I am going to do something I never do and post the lyrics.

“I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

My friends had you figured out
Yeah, they saw what’s inside of you
You tried hiding another you
But your evil was coming through

These guys sitting on the wall
They watch every move I make
Bright light living in the shade
Your cold heart makes my spirit shake

I had to go through hell to prove I’m not insane
Had to meet the devil just to know his name

And that’s when my love was burning
Yeah, it’s still burning

I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Each time that I think you go
I turn around and you’re creeping in
And I let you under my skin
‘Cause I love living in the sin

Boy you never told me
True love was going to hurt
True pain I don’t deserve
Truth is that I never learn

I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
No more haunting baby

I keep going to the river

I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake”

I did feel insane. He made me feel insane. All my friends did see through him. I do still love him. But he is seriously a demon. It is actually crazy, but I have this song on repeat and every time I hear it I feel so much better.

New Guy

So a man came into my job about a week ago and asked me out.

Everyone told me it was what I needed so I agreed. After he met ne for lunch (I was really busy that week) I realised that it was just too quick and heavy for me.

He just kept fishing. Looking for compliments all the time. It frustrated me because I had just fucked my ex. I couldn’t find him attractive because he wasn’t my ex and he was just too interested in me. After being with someone so emotionally disabled it just bothered me.

I cancelled the date and told him the truth. Instantly felt so much better but then he started texting me again saying it was just friendly meetup if I am interested, nothing serious. He seemed to have taken what I said on board so I agreed. But now he is back to his kind of “flirting” which is just pure fishing for compliments while giving me loads.

It is partially nice and partially too much. I told him that I cannot tell him what I think because I don’t know and I am not going to lie about it.

He gives the impression he wants a wife. He says he wants fun. I was neither. I don’t sleep around and I want to be my exes wife, not his.

I suppose I better go. Not like my love is coming back to claim me.

Along with the Horniness comes the Feelings

He wants be but won’t have me. I am feeling pretty unworthy of anyone right now. 

I went out with my friends and have never wanted to be somewhere else more. I wanted to be in bed with him. Cuddling, playing footsie. Talking about our days. Instead I was told I was “fine” by the most in supportive friend ever and meeting one of the two girls that stabbed me in the back four years ago. 

When she comes, it becomes her show. She is the star of it, and if she talks to someone it is almost like she is playing interviewer. 

I am so fricking fed up with my life. I want my life of a month ago back. I was happy. So happy. So unaware. 

The highlight was the taxi driver. He was more supportive than my so called friend. He actually gave me a hug and asked me my name. I think he was actually worried about what I would do to myself. I am trying not to feel that way again. Trying so hard. I know it will get better. I really do but meh. 

On a good note, seemingly my colleague really respects me and he thinks I am great at my job.