The tears

It is my day off. I have been up since 8 am, I only went to bed at 3am. I think I spent two of those hours sleeping.

I am on the sofa. Sobbing. I keep on thinking about the holiday that I have to cancel. The holiday that he was not man enough to tell me that he didn’t want to go on because he felt so guilty about what he had done to me and mainly her.

Yep. The one that he chose me over. The one that screwed with his head and his emotions. He still loves her. He denies it of course, he misses their “friendship” and he would feel the same over any friend. But the fact is. This girl is his ex.

He said that he hated that I made him choose. That I shouldn’t have, because he had always said he would never dump a friend for anyone. I told him that he had left me with no choice. I had nothing else to do.

Fact is I knew there was something. He had been secretive with his phone. He had been distant and he had been trying to hide little things that he knew I wouldn’t like.

I thought I was logged in as me on facebook. I went in to check my messages. There was a conversation with the ex. It ended up not being a conversation with her.

Her boyfriend had decided to email him. They had a conversation. Then he copied and pasted the conversations into messages to her.

Her boyfriend was not very nice about me. The boy did stand up for me quite a lot but he also discussed details of our relationship with him. I also found out that there were quite a few lies. I made the boy promise to do a few things. Then not tell her about them. The boy decided that keeping his friendship with her and making sure she was ok was more important then keeping my trust.

So yet again another lie.

There are other things too. But the tears are rolling down my face and I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I am pretty sure my heart isn’t beating.

Turns out I didn’t “win”.

I lost him.

And he can have her back.

But my relationship is over and it seems like he regrets a lot of it. So I have to pick up the pieces even though I really don’t want to. I just want to have woken up next to him this morning. And to rub my face on his hairy chest. And to pretend to be watching the tele when really I am watching him. I just loved looking at him. Touching him. And kissing him.

Was he thinking of her when he was making love to me? Was he feeling the regret and the loss then?

I thought I was going to be with him forever. I thought we were just getting the  hard times and the shit out of the way. We had a holiday planned. We were saving to move in. Would he of let this happen and then put this on me in a year?

I feel so sick. So heartbroken and sad. I can barely type. I cannot see.

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Attitudes to sex

What is it about people nowadays thinking that we invented sex?

Like do they seriously think that up until 10 years ago, no one slept around? No one experimented sexually and it was all the missionary position all the time… with the woman just lying there and taking it?!

The only reason I bring this up is because I am annoyed. I am annoyed that people just assume that because I haven’t slept around and that because my number has stayed at a very humble 2 that I am sexually repressed. I am most certainly not!

And before you jump into it, I am not experiencing social angst and Catholic guilt. If anything I feel that people say that women that don’t sleep around are answering to society and open enough sexually are talking bullshit. Because you look at the media today. And fair enough it is a double edged sword, but there are certainly more women sleeping around with multiple partners then there are women waiting for the ideal man. Or even a man that they think is worthy of them.

Once I get into a relationship, I am a slut. A slut of the highest order. I do whatever they want, where ever I want. And I love it! Want to say I am sexually repressed now?

God the internet and TV sucks.