When the sex is that good

And when I say good. I mean bloody amazing.  While I have a throat infection,  we still managed it for around nine hours.  With maybe,  like an hour break. 

The problem (yes,  there is always a problem isn’t there) is that before I met him I decided that I didn’t want a fuck buddy.  I want to date someone,  kinda get to know them.  See where it goes type of thing.  Not let it engulf me like Big,  but have something more then just sex. 

But after wanting  that,  he has now admitted that it  has become more of a sexual thing for him now and he can’t figure out if he wants to date me or not. 
It is seriously frustrating,  we are just very compatible.  The sex is only going to get better and it is already just bordering on the mind blowing.  Thing is I wouldn’t have an issue if the sex was so so.  No way I could fall for a guy like that.  But with him,  I don’t know yet,  but I could get hurt and I guess I just think I am the whole package.  I am funny, kind, independent, amazing in the sack, and damned hot.  I also take no shit. 

Why on earth wouldn’t he want to date me?!

Catching up and settling in

So. Yeah. I have moved. I have my own place now and I am completely in love with it. Slightly bored the odd time but generally I am incredibly happy here. It is a little attic apartment/studio that is ALL MINE. It is quiet and cheap and warm. What more could I ask for really?

One thing I guess. For it not to be three blocks from where Big lives, and three blocks from where Big works. Awkward.

So my Aussie friend has been getting into my head. I don’t think she means to but being the mutual friend of myself and Bigs puts her in this situation that she just doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. Myself and my Indian friend came to the conclusion that maybe Aussie unintentionally lead to our relationship breaking down. Because lets face it, the amount of information, both verbal and non-verbal that I have gotten from her about Big since the breakup has driven me mad. Maybe we were both getting this when we were together too.

She told him I had been to the hospital! She told me he was upset about me deleting him from Facebook. All this information. So much he said, she said. It is too much.

Anyways. I ran into Big. I saw him today and I just knew that we HAD to talk.

So we did. I still feel quite deeply for him I think. I believe that I am still in shock about it all. Shock isn’t fun. I don’t think I have ever been so blindsided by anyone in my life and I never want to be again. But whatever. I saw him and survived it. I am alive and we both want to tell Aussie to stay out of things. So that is good. Now I don’t have to be the bad guy.

When the bullets keep coming

Not everything you read online is true.

So when it is said that I have suffered with anal leakage when I have been on medication. That is quite literally bullshit.

When it is said by my ex. It is even more bullshit. He stayed with me a little more than two months of me being on meds. I have now been on them over a year. I have suffered with “leakage” never. Not even with the preparations for my colonoscopys.

He reassured me every time I felt dirty and unsexy in his own controlling way. And now he posts up that his ex had crohns and used to leak while on meds.

Stephen. You didn’t know me on meds. On meds, in remission in less than a year. I have never been healthier. Yes I have bad days. But I am working out 5 days a week. I have not had any sort of accident. And the only shit that you will be smelling is the shit that is coming out of your mouth, coming directly from your brain.

I seriously feel sorry for your new girlfriend. I hope that she realises what a prize tool you are as soon as possible. I want her to break your heart enough for both of us.

That is it. I am done letting you own that your ex had crohns. It isn’t your thing. You are not here, you are not living with it and you ran away rather than dealing with it. I am moving to Canada alone. I am taking my leaking ass and getting out of this country without you. So shove that.

To date or not to date?

This is the question that I am struggling with at the moment. My recent tryst with my friends brother made me realise that I miss having a man in my bed.

That coupled with the fact that I was off work sick for a week. I had nothing else to be thinking about and I craved to get a text, to have a man come by with ice lollies to sooth my throat. But instead I got “Why is it bugging you?”

I stayed at my friends night last night, he wasn’t meant to be around. Then he was. I saw his friend, I slept next to his sister, I heard him. I didn’t see him. I wanted to see him for him to realise what he was missing or for me not to give a crap suddenly. Or even better. Just for him to tell me that he was not interested and yeah. Btw. I am a coke head (well I knew he was anyway).

So I have had a lot of time on my hands. Went back on tinder. Saw Stephen on it. Head melted.

I want someone to stay over once or twice a week (with a date). To text me five times a day, give me a call once every two days. Make me feel safe. I just want to fall in love.

But yet. I am scared of being in love again. I am scared of being stung again. I want to move to Canada. I want to meet someone to itch that itch and be with me, be my partner. But I also want to move to Canada. I don’t think I want something casual before I go because I don’t want to get hurt.

I haven’t cried over the brother. I have to remind myself I knew him less than a day, I have no reason to cry over him but I am surprised I haven’t. I still find that I feel like I have a certain ownership of him even though I know I really don’t.

There is serious food for thought here and I am not sure I can be bothered to work it all out. I just want to meet someone that isn’t a dickhead. Someone that is special. Someone that thinks that I am the most special person that they have EVER met. I don’t want any games. I am so sick and tired of games.

Depression

The thing about depression, is that it hits you when you are not expecting it. It can happen while you have been feeling happy, it can hit you when you are feeling sad.

This time it has hit me when all the good things have been happening. I moved house, I met my half brother. And them slam bam lam I am depressed.

Thing is, I know the reason for it this time. My neighbour moved home, she had invited me up to hers for the night, we made plans, she forgot to confirm with her mother, she bailed yesterday AFTER I reminded her. There was family around in her home so I couldn’t go. That’s fine, I just don’t want to be the one to remind someone.  Then there was a whole thing about plans for drinks with work. Everyone bailed. I am just fed up of the whole thing. I had amazing plans and then they fell through.

That coupled with the fact that my new place is so fucking freezing that I am thrown back to the God awful days when this blog was started. When I lived with Mam and her ex and we didn’t have enough money for heating. This isn’t the case here, but I am after moving in with girls that work mad hours and a lot of nights. So I am alone in a freezing house. I have a week of work and nothing to fill my time, and to make things worse Mam is in Paris.

So I am at a loss, thinking about the past. Missing my ex, wanting nothing more then for him to find out where I live, knock on my door, take me in his arms and keep me warm. I am in a new house, he has never been here and that sucks.

Plus it is right around the corner from our first apartment. I pass it every day. I went to our pizza place today. Where we had our one and only date that he surprised me with. And I got a take away. I saw a couple and it was everything I could do not to cry.

I miss you Stephen. I miss you and I know that I shouldn’t and I know that you will never keep me warm in bed again. But I want it so badly right now. I want to go back one whole year. One whole year, I was sick but I didn’t know what was wrong. We lived together. We were going to spend Christmas together (and we did). We bought our very first tree.

I spent two days with my half brother. And the only person I wanted to talk to about it was you. I wanted to call you Stephen and tell you.

You attacked me, bullied me, turned me into a shadow of myself. And I loved you with every inch. I adored you and I wanted you. You broke me in the most sinister way possible.

And now I am depressed again. Months later, I am feeling it again. Please let this end.

Love and Other Drugs

So I am watching that film that was released a few years back on the tele.

Last time I saw it was in the cinema, I thought I understood it. But really I didn’t. I didn’t have a clue what it felt like to be really in love with someone that just wanted to change something so fundamental about you.

He wanted to just get rid of my crohns. He wanted to fix it, he wanted me to be fine and he didn’t get that everything was going to change. Or he got it and he didn’t want it to be happen.

You know that moment people say that happens when you have a child and the whole world rotates so that that child is the centre of your universe? Ye well that happened to me. I was diagnosed and suddenly I became the centre of my universe. No longer was I concerned with keeping him happy, keeping the house clean for “us” even though I was tired from work, I didn’t want to fight to keep us happy.

I took a step back. I was happy in the relationship for the first time in ages, because I wasn’t putting so much of me into it. My life has changed so much that I cannot be bothered to date because I am so happy on my own, I have had to change where I eat because I am trying gluten free. I fought and fought for medical cards, to be allowed into Canada. Everything. I did it for me.

I am not even sure if I want children now. I mean possibly adopting but I am starting to feel like I am too important. My health is too important to risk on having biological children. I want to be me for as long as I can.

Fact is. A girl I know that is 19, she is on the same meds as me. She is in a coma. Complications with the meds. I want to be med free within two years. I am going to do everything I can to do this. These meds are evil and I don’t want to be on them anymore.

See all of this would have changed us. He would not have been willing to change the food in our cupboard. He would not have wanted to change where we eat. He would have eaten all the foods I love and miss right in front of me. He would have gotten embarrassed if I asked the waiter about a gluten free option or anything like that that I was trying that month. Because. All of this is going to be trial and error.

Anyway. This film is slightly depressing to me. But Jake is still a ride. 🙂

Dreams are what you make of them

A couple of weeks ago. I had a dream. It was a dream that shook me to the core, and I haven’t been the same since.

Basically, I was in a town that was meant to be Venice, with my ex, my Mam and her ex before this one.

Anyway. My ex took me to this big square. Stood me in the middle and told me he would be back. Suddenly the square got really busy. And a banner came down on the main building.

The square suddenly got really busy but there was something wrong with the banner. Only the last two lines came down “please Shinners”.

Well you can imagine, everyone thought someone was being proposed to. In my gut I knew this wasn’t the case. Everyone was trying to work out who I was. Some bright spark got everyone to sit down that wasn’t me. I started to panic. Anything that I said or did would paint me to be a bitch. No one would understand everything that he put me through.

The rest of the banner came down. It read “love me please shinners” (obviously with my name not my fake one). He didn’t want me to forgive him. He didn’t want to be with me. He didn’t want me to marry him. He just wanted me to love him.

I felt so panicky. I was standing there in the middle of everyone and everyone was staring, not understanding what was going on. Just thinking that there was a man asking me to be with him. I responded with “I do love you but I am trying not to” .

It was a wake up call. It was open and honest. I am trying not to love him anymore. I am fed up of loving him and slowly but surely I am ridding myself of the toxicity of my ex. I want to get rid of him. I never wanted to get over him so much.

Wake up call

So I had a conversation over text with one of my best friends about the ex.

So this is basically the complete messages:

Me: Nah. Just not dating. No interest. It was our three year yday. No text or nothing. Went drinking with 3 girls at Oktoberfest, what we used to do for my birthday. If someone I was with for that long can do that and not think of me then I want to be single

Her: I wouldn’t call you either !! You’re the ex !!

Me: He had said he would text the last time I spoke to him.

Her: You know by now that he doesn’t have your best interests at heart and everytime you speak to him you show him how little dignity and self respect you have for yourself. I guess he’s gotta hurt you worse for you to see that for yourself.

Me: Ouch. It is not that he hurt me. It is more that I expect to be treated the way I treat others. I expect him to respect me the way that I finally do for myself.

Her: When people show you who they are ..believe them the first time.

You seem intent on remaining emotionally connected to someone who has told you outright that he loves you but is happier without you… And that’s something i’ve yet to understand.

He doesn’t want to be an consistent part of your life…and he shows you that time and time again 😦

Me: I get what you are saying. I am dealing with it the only way I know how. He has told me he loves me yes, and that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore yes. But it is more the hoping that our whole relationship wasn’t a lie. Also. My self esteem. You have to understand that people react to that differently

Her: He doesn’t determine the worth or value or truth in your relationship.. He wasn’t in it by himself. You know your intentions and level of honesty in that relationship, if he wasn’t honorable or acted with integrity that has no bearing whatsoever on who you are or what the relationship meant to you. You give him far too much power, and i’m afraid you will keep giving and giving and giving little bits of yourself til one day you won’t know WHO YOU ARE! If he said “yep everything i told you was a lie?” Would that make you feel any better ? I doubt it. It seems like holding on to him keeps the ground underneath your feet… That’s a dangerous amount of emotional power to give to anyone. I speak from experience !! If you keep this up, you will eventually draw a man who sees this in you and will manipulate you.. Men like that are drawn to hurting women like sharks are drawn to blood in the water.  You are more valuable than that, and nothing will change until you fully embrace that.

Shinners, i say this with love not judgement. I see what a funny, sassy, articulate young woman who has alot to offer, it’s frustrating to see someone I love dearly continue to “cast your pearls before swine”. You give and give and you are let down, He has emotionally divorced himself from a romantic relationship (it’s easier for men anyway) so he doesn’t feel a duty of care to return a text or honor you. He would do it to anyone, not just you. I know its early days in your breakup and it was a serious relationship but I’m BEGGING, BEGGING you to find a different way of handling your feelings without involving him.

Me: It wouldn’t be that way for everyone, just me he treats like that. There is a reason he was exes with all his friends, he had been dumped and he behaved well. He treated me like shit. I know what you are saying and I appreciate it. I have just decided that I cannot date for a while. The though of trusting someone makes me want to vomit. I am just not ready and him not texting me hit it home that I am just not ready. I need to be alone for a while. And that is okay I think.

Her: That’s perfectly reasonable for you to be single now… It would unrealistic for anyone to expect you to “get over him” and jump headfirst in being with another guy… Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it and I want only the very best for you. ((Hugs))

So yeah, I have a pretty amazing friend right there. I was discussing things with my neighbour and I kinda realised that I went from one abusive relationship to another. The one with Mams ex and now with my ex. I need to break this pattern and I need to realise that I am worth more then this. 

I need to let go of him and not care about his actions. I am not saying that I am there yet. I am realising that this is what I need to do though.

Like living with the worst boyfriend

Crohns is the worst boyfriend ever. It is always in your life, takes away any sex drive and just makes you pure miserable.

I am having a pretty shit time of it at the moment. I feel sick when I eat and then shit the whole lot out. My asshole is on fire and itching like mad (feels like thrush for your anus). I have lost weight but i look 6 month pregnant by the end of the day.

I literally cannot stop burping, I cannot risk farting unless I am on the loo, it will follow through.

Now my legs have been playing up, as has my lower back.

I need to get time off work but I need to pay my rent. The chronic fatigue is the bit that gets me probably the worst. It is quite isolating, living alone and being so tired that after work all I want to do is go home, but that doesn’t mean I want to go home and be alone. This is where an actual boyfriend would come in handy.

The sex thing. I still get horny but I feel so disgusting I cannot imagine actually doing anything. I mean when you go to the loo five times a day it is hard to feel sexy. My ex had a thing for ass. Obviously anal penetration was taken off the board quite soon after the symptoms started to show, but he was still mad for the ass. This made me so uncomfortable at times. How can you take something that someone likes so much away from them? Probably played a part in the breakup if I am honest.

I have not vacuumed in over two weeks. I have no energy to at all.

Full Circle

So I spoke to the ex today. I was going through and deleting old texts and I just thought I would call him to catch up.

I asked him about counselling, asked him whether or not he was still going. I also asked him about his ex.

For once he told me the truth. He is not at counselling anymore. He feels like his main issue, which was his ex, has been resolved.

So I asked him about the ex. She had contacted him. They met up. Turns out, she showed her true colours to him that night. The colours that everyone had told him was there and what he had managed to ignore or what she had managed to hide for 5 years.

He told me that she contacted him and they met up. He said that she acted weird from the beginning, flirting a lot and then with more drink on her, she started behaving like he was bothering her to strangers and then picking arguments with him.

Now, I am well aware that he is a stinking liar and there are two sides to every story. But the fact that he told me. And he actually apologised for putting me through all this drama. It is just mad wrapping my head around the fact that it wasn’t all in my head. It is her head. She is a crazy ass bitch and he has been a stinking liar.

They would make a great couple right?

Anyway, she has moved to Southampton to be with her boyfriend (poor him!) and I am sure that it just will not be mentioned to him; or there will be another lie told. I kinda think that drama follows my ex and his ex around. Silly people. You want drama? Get Crohns.

ANYWAY. This has provided me with at least some closure. He didn’t lie again and we were on the phone for over an hour just chatting. It was kinda nice and just rounded things off.