I show my naivety sometimes. I expect a whole truth. Warts and all from people.
But I forget that most humans leave out their own flaws and only include he other persons when weaving a story.
I am an honest person. Obviously I too have told half truths but as a general rule I am blunt. Not to hurt anyone. But also not to lie.
A half truth is basically a lie. We all know it. Yet nearly all of us do it. And nearly all of us forgive them. It is just something that boggles my mind!
Big mentioned to our mutual friend that he felt he was given an ultimatum by me about being a friend with me and he didn’t like it. What he failed to mention was that we had been chatting since that “ultimatum”, that we had plans to meet that he cancelled on, and that all through our chats he never once mentioned that he had felt like he was given an ultimatum and he didn’t like it.
So basically. When I told her that I missed him etc. She reacted to me only knowing his half. When I saw her I told her the rest and of course admitted to the message that could be seen as backing him into a corner. Then she changed her reaction to me completely.
This has irked me. Grow up man. Grow a pair. Admit that you have done something wrong. That you gave a false hope or that you say you are okay and ready to try and be friends when really you are not in that place because you are hurting a bit more than you would like to admit.
Tell the whole truth. Not a half one. A half one is a lie.
Wow. 100 people follow this little blog. I know on the grand scale of things it is only a small amount of people. But to me it is huge.
I haven’t told anyone who I am. So none (actually one) know who I am. The rest just follow/read about my daily life and usually the drama that seems to follow me around.
To mark the big 100 I am going to tell you about a mistake that I always, always make and never learn from. Trying to be friends with an ex in order to keep them in your life.
Shinners. You are not wired that way. When you love you love with your whole being. You cannot turn that into friendship within a week or two. Or even a month. No way. You are just going to hurt yourself by keeping on checking when he was last online and wondering if he is looking at you too.
When I was with Big. I was so easy going and relaxed. If he didn’t text back. I was never worried. I had him. He made me so comfortable and confident that I never doubted his intentions with me for a second so I didn’t worry about it. Now I don’t have him? Fuck me I have gone cray cray. Every time my phone goes I hope and wish it is him. My heart goes every time it vibrates. Every. Single. Time.
So yeah. Stop pretending that it is something you can try when you just really want him to see you just so you can see him and you want him to just change his mind. Because you know what? He won’t because you don’t like American football, you don’t just “slide in” to his life and you can’t have frigging kids.
And he could have had something real with you. And that freaked him the fuck out.
So fuck him and his fucking friendship.
I can’t fool myself. I am not going to be perfect for anyone. No one is ever going to be perfect for me.
I mean perfect is coming from a similar school of thought on everything. No disagreements. Shared interests and hobbies. Just. Someone that is the exact same as you.
For me. It is the imperfections of someone for you that make you work. It is how you deal with opposing expectations, how you still love each other even when you have a stupid bicker over the television. Those moments. Thats when you are perfect. You are perfect in how you deal with it and stick with it and love each other.
I am by no means looking for my perfect. Every man that I have been with has been a version of imperfect. And I don’t think that there will ever be an absolute match for me. I think I would find that boring to be quite frank.
The more I think about it, I think the reason myself and Big aren’t together anymore is that his love for American football and his need for someone to just “fit in” to his life was just so strong that he decided that my imperfections were not perfect enough for him.
I had a boring date last night. And I can’t help but think that I want someone strong, independent, brave. Someone like me in those aspects. Kind, loving and caring. But the rest. The rest after that can be worked on.
My god. I miss him something terrible.
So I am back on Tinder. You might think it is early, but after fixing myself after Stephen, I am ready to date and find someone to have a relationship with. I am not saying I will die if I don’t get that, but I am ready.
Just because Big didn’t want me or wasn’t ready for me, doesn’t mean that I stop wanting what I want.
Anyway I had a date tonight with a Canadian guy. OMFG SOOOOO BORING. I am starting to wonder if the only men that are going to be comparable to me interest wise are the other ones that have moved alone. It just makes them a lot more independent and interesting I guess. Because you know what? I was the most interesting person at that table and I was bored stiff. I know how great I am, I don’t need your input into the conversation to be how amazing I am. This I know.
So on the walk back to mine he utters the above sentence. Why do men do this?! I mean. Does it actually work? Are there women out there that automatically want to prove that they are the exception? Are there women out there that have such low self esteem that they have to make sure that the person that they are on a date with knows for certain that they, in fact, are a good kisser?!
He regretted it anyway. I ended up telling him all my bad kissing stories. “Oh my, I nearly puked in his mouth, oh! Oh! He had just eaten a meatball sub ewwww…” Things like that. That’ll teach him.
Oh Big. If you could even get someone to match with you on tinder you would have a bad date and realise how damned lucky you were to have me. Screw you.
I am starting to think that there isn’t a “one” for anyone.
I know, I am late to the party on that one. But I guess, I kept on hoping that that childish, Hollywood thing would come true.
But I really have been thinking about soulmates. I think I have about four of them. None of them have been romantic partners but they are all people that I connect with in a really special way and that cannot be explained.
My mother is one. I am convinced we have traveled through so many lives together and that we just keep finding each other and travelling in any way that we can. It is really lovely and it feels like home as soon as I am around. In fact, just having a bit of physical contact with her recharges mine and her batteries and makes one feel more at peace. I know it probably sounds a bit crazy but it is true.
One of my best friends sent me the most wonderful texts today. I had sent her screenshots of the messages that I sent my “father” and Big. She said that she was sorry that I was going through all of this still. My response? “It’s okay, I had a good year”. Because you know. What more could I want but a good year?
Anyway. Today I got “No matter what happens, know that I am proud. Know that you are brave, you are strong and you are beautiful. Know that without you I (and many others) would be living a half life. Though there may be oceans and continents between us, I will always be here for you my truest loveliest friend and soul mate xx”
How can you ever feel bad about your life when you have such amazing things being said about you? It is something that fills my heart, knowing that I have at least five people in my life that feel this way about me. Okay, none of them will share my bed (apart from the odd spooning session) but there are other people for that. How can anyone really compare to that kind of connection? I demand as much (if not more) from my lover as I get from them. They are there for me through thick and thin and in exchange I am there for them in the same way.
I am a very lucky girl. I may not have my father, or Big. But I have amazing people in my life and I am a very very lucky person.
I have Soulmates.
You know by now that I analyse a lot. I analyse current relationships and past ones. I try and learn from the past, I look at my behavior and I look at others towards me and I try to understand and move past things.
A few things that have happened.
My father tried to get in contact, Big has not offered any plausible explanation for the breakup. Be prepared for screenshots lads.
First. The message I sent to Big.
Then, my father, who found me on instagram and sent me a pm.
Excuse the bad editing skills. But WOW it has been a very emotional few days and I am pretty exhausted. I wish I was home so I could get some of that nurturing love that I need.
I know, reading this blog, it looks like I fall in love easily. I really don’t. Both with Big and PC, it was just a feeling of comfort and safety that I automatically felt. I think with PC it was heightened by the fact that it was such a whirlwind. Big is such a mystery. No reason that he has given actually rests easy. I wanted to meet today to get some answers but nadda. He doesn’t think it is a good idea so what can I do? I sent that message to him and if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow lunch I will have to delete him.
Thing is. I just really really miss him. It was two months but it felt like six, he was kind and loving till the very very end and now he has just shut his feelings off and is a stranger. Men do that so well. And funnily enough, he always had a go at me for making swooping generalisations like that about men. Because you know, he is all sensitive and shit. HA yeah right.
It is sinking in. Some sort of delayed reaction occurred I believe.
I had told him and told myself that I don’t want children. I don’t know. I was talking to my Australian friend and I realised something.
I can blame him sometimes because I want to be enough for my “one” but on another hand I know I can’t.
I saw what he wanted for a second. He wanted the person that he loved, huge in bed with his big meaty hands rubbing the belly and feeling the baby kick while quietly talking baby names. He wanted to know that that baby is half of his genetics and half the woman that he loves.
I can’t say that it doesn’t break my heart knowing that I will never have that with any man that I love. I will never have that choice. I want that choice.
I don’t know why it has taken me so long to realise that I would like this option. It is like I just turned all those feelings off to protect myself. I decided that I didn’t like being around children, that I didn’t want them. I did it to protect myself from dealing with the issue of not being able to have them in a healthy, sensible way.
Look. This isn’t me saying I want children. It is me saying that I really don’t know how I feel. This breaks me.