Analyse

You know by now that I analyse a lot. I analyse current relationships and past ones. I try and learn from the past, I look at my behavior and I look at others towards me and I try to understand and move past things.

A few things that have happened.

My father tried to get in contact, Big has not offered any plausible explanation for the breakup. Be prepared for screenshots lads.

First. The message I sent to Big.

Then, my father, who found me on instagram and sent me a pm.

Excuse the bad editing skills. But WOW it has been a very emotional few days and I am pretty exhausted. I wish I was home so I could get some of that nurturing love that I need.

I know, reading this blog, it looks like I fall in love easily. I really don’t. Both with Big and PC, it was just a feeling of comfort and safety that I automatically felt. I think with PC it was heightened by the fact that it was such a whirlwind. Big is such a mystery. No reason that he has given actually rests easy. I wanted to meet today to get some answers but nadda. He doesn’t think it is a good idea so what can I do? I sent that message to him and if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow lunch I will have to delete him.

Thing is. I just really really miss him. It was two months but it felt like six, he was kind and loving till the very very end and now he has just shut his feelings off and is a stranger. Men do that so well. And funnily enough, he always had a go at me for making swooping generalisations like that about men. Because you know, he is all sensitive and shit. HA yeah right.

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Can words help?

I haven’t spoken to my cousin in a very long time. We grew up as siblings would but then I moved to Ireland and he didn’t.

Neither of us had fathers, but I have my Mam and as much as I love my auntie, she isn’t as strong as my mother would be. Her heart just isn’t the same. She is fundamentally a bit of a selfish being, while my mother is a fundamentally giving person.

Anyway. I probably have mentioned it at some point. My cousin said some hurtful words to me while I was at my lowest ebb about five years ago. I have brought it up with him and he called me a liar. So I kind of washed my hands of him.

Now. He suffers with depression too. He has been going through a time lately that has made him want to end his life. As much as I didn’t want to get involved the only thing I felt that I could do without giving too much of myself away was to copy and paste a blog post from when I was at one of my lowest points. To try and show him that he has to fix it himself. To show him that it can be done.

I don’t know if my words will make any change. I don’t know if he will man up and admit that he was wrong. I know nothing about any of that, but I do know that I have done the best I can without compromising myself.

Why didn’t you just say that?

If you were in to fatties and I didn’t do it for you, why didn’t you just say that?

If I still wasn’t big enough even after steroids, why didn’t you just say that?

If you didn’t want to deal with sick me, why didn’t you just say that?

If you thought the grass would be greener without me, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted to just go out drinking with the lads more, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted someone like your mother in looks and personality, why didn’t you just say that?

If you wanted to be lazy and not feel guilty about it, why didn’t you just say that?

Thing is. You text me. Wanting to know what I am doing, how I am, then you fuck another girl. Two big girls since me. You treat both like shit.

You know what? I don’t want to hear whatever you want to say now. You are a lazy, self centred dick that made me feel bad about myself. Made another girl apologise about her experience in the sack and didn’t even walk the next girl to the bus stop the next day.

You are a dick. You are fugly, fat, lazy, and unintelligent. And talking and treating other people badly helps you feel better about you and your average (at best) penis.

This post might sound like I am angry. I am actually smiling while typing. This is the last of it out of my system 🙂

I love me. I love my family. I love my friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 😀

Celebrating

Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂

No More Love

I cannot seem to link a youtube page on my phone. I am telling you that you will not be sorry though. The song is amazing and powerful. It actually sums up how I feel about my ex perfectly. He was a lying bastard. He still is. Spineless and very selfish and lazy.

At a time of need I asked him to be here for me. We have been trying to be friends. I hated asking him. I hated myself. But he still somehow made it about him. And he hasn’t been here at all for me.

It really reaffirms the fact that even though I love him still. I will never be in love with him again. I could never and will never trust him. Even as my best friend.

New York

This is so long overdue that it isn’t even funny.  I mean it has been a month! I actually cannot believe I have been home from America for a month!

Anyway I am going to fill you in on NYC. I loved it there. I mean it started off emotional for obvious reasons (seeing my Mam for the first time in three months) and then it got back to being comfortable between us. The same as normal. Though obviously I have changed a little but things are being adapted now.

So on the first night we stayed out at the airport in the hotel because I arrived in so late (BTW I just LOVE JFK. It lived up to what I imagined it to be). The next day we travelled into the city and I felt like it was a film set. I think it was because I have seen it so many times in the films and programmes that I felt like I had already been there before.

So we checked in to our apartment (nicely situated on the west side of Central Park) and we started to explore the local area. We walked to the Hudson River; well I think it was the Hudson river. It actually doesn’t tell me on Google Maps!

Turning 70

It is not usually something I think about but having just help set up a birthday bash for L’s host Mam for her 70th I got to thinking.

What do I want my life to have looked like when I reach that age? Well I want my family, I love my family I really do, I want children and I suppose grandchildren too at that age.

I was talking to a guy about grandchildren and why people love them so much. I think it is because you don’t have to bring them up. You have them and give them back at the end of the day. You are not responsible for telling them off, you are there to spoil them rotten. Well this is the theory of a 22 year old. And I am convinced my Nanna loves me more.