Playboys and the Western world

I am about as single as one could be right now.  I made out with someone in the stock room in work.  This guy just looks at me and I want to undress.  The sex incredible etc.  But we hadn’t done anything for a month,  then I find myself making out with him in work. 

This is the day after the guy that should be made for me asked me to be his girlfriend. And I told him that I had to think about it.  He was perfect,  patient,  funny and kind.  But I didn’t want to have sex with him. Thats an issue isn’t it?

Then I went on a date,  and made out with him,  and made out with a random guy in a club.  I am a playboy peeps. 

Added to that. The stock room guy,  looks like he was sleeping with two girls at the same time.  He is the ultimate asshole,  especially considering I had asked about his relationship with the next door neighbour,  turns out that was a blatant lie. 

I am tired.  I have an ear infection and I am not making a whole lot of sense. Yay autoimmune diseases.

When the sex is that good

And when I say good. I mean bloody amazing.  While I have a throat infection,  we still managed it for around nine hours.  With maybe,  like an hour break. 

The problem (yes,  there is always a problem isn’t there) is that before I met him I decided that I didn’t want a fuck buddy.  I want to date someone,  kinda get to know them.  See where it goes type of thing.  Not let it engulf me like Big,  but have something more then just sex. 

But after wanting  that,  he has now admitted that it  has become more of a sexual thing for him now and he can’t figure out if he wants to date me or not. 
It is seriously frustrating,  we are just very compatible.  The sex is only going to get better and it is already just bordering on the mind blowing.  Thing is I wouldn’t have an issue if the sex was so so.  No way I could fall for a guy like that.  But with him,  I don’t know yet,  but I could get hurt and I guess I just think I am the whole package.  I am funny, kind, independent, amazing in the sack, and damned hot.  I also take no shit. 

Why on earth wouldn’t he want to date me?!

Ohhh Kinky

So I ask you… how kinky is too kinky for you?

I love so many sexual acts it isn’t even funny. Some I know about, some I am yet to learn. It is the learning about what I enjoy that really turns me on. 

I do worry though. If I was to end up being single again. How will I know that I will find someone else like me? I do draw the line at some point. But what happens if you invest yourself into someone to find out that there is no way that they will do what you want, what you need?

Or what if I ended up finally finding someone I liked in that way to find out that they really wanted, nay, needed something that I just couldn’t give?! 

It really is a mine field and it boggles me. If I think about it too much it actually upsets me. 

I know that might sound a bit odd to some people, but sex is such an important part of a relationship to me that it is not something that I could just ignore. 

I only have sex with people I have feelings for. My number has stayed at the very low two. But I have had an amazing sex life. I have been told that I am a Charlotte in life and then a Samantha in a relationship in the bedroom. 

I have yet to find someone like me in enjoyment and attitude to sex. I would love that. And that person would be my soul mate. I know it. 

Well this is an archived post from 2012. But I really think that it speaks to my mind right now. But no. My number is no longer two 😛

Half truths and lies

I show my naivety sometimes. I expect a whole truth. Warts and all from people.

But I forget that most humans leave out their own flaws and only include he other persons when weaving a story.

I am an honest person. Obviously I too have told half truths but as a general rule I am blunt. Not to hurt anyone. But also not to lie.

A half truth is basically a lie. We all know it. Yet nearly all of us do it. And nearly all of us forgive them. It is just something that boggles my mind!

Big mentioned to our mutual friend that he felt he was given an ultimatum by me about being a friend with me and he didn’t like it. What he failed to mention was that we had been chatting since that “ultimatum”, that we had plans to meet that he cancelled on, and that all through our chats he never once mentioned that he had felt like he was given an ultimatum and he didn’t like it.

So basically.  When I told her that I missed him etc. She reacted to me only knowing his half. When I saw her I told her the rest and of course admitted to the message that could be seen as backing him into a corner. Then she changed her reaction to me completely. 

This has irked me. Grow up man. Grow a pair. Admit that you have done something wrong. That you gave a false hope or that you say you are okay and ready to try and be friends when really you are not in that place because you are hurting a bit more than you would like to admit.

Tell the whole truth. Not a half one. A half one is a lie.

100

Wow. 100 people follow this little blog. I know on the grand scale of things it is only a small amount of people. But to me it is huge.

I haven’t told anyone who I am. So none (actually one) know who I am. The rest just follow/read about my daily life and usually the drama that seems to follow me around.

To mark the big 100 I am going to tell you about a mistake that I always, always make and never learn from. Trying to be friends with an ex in order to keep them in your life.

Shinners. You are not wired that way. When you love you love with your whole being. You cannot turn that into friendship within a week or two. Or even a month. No way. You are just going to hurt yourself by keeping on checking when he was last online and wondering if he is looking at you too.

When I was with Big. I was so easy going and relaxed. If he didn’t text back. I was never worried. I had him. He made me so comfortable and confident that I never doubted his intentions with me for a second so I didn’t worry about it. Now I don’t have him? Fuck me I have gone cray cray. Every time my phone goes I hope and wish it is him. My heart goes every time it vibrates. Every. Single. Time.

So yeah. Stop pretending that it is something you can try when you just really want him to see you just so you can see him and you want him to just change his mind.  Because you know what?  He won’t because you don’t like American football, you don’t just “slide in” to his life and you can’t have frigging kids.

And he could have had something real with you. And that freaked him the fuck out.

So fuck him and his fucking friendship.

Perfection

I can’t fool myself. I am not going to be perfect for anyone. No one is ever going to be perfect for me.

I mean perfect is coming from a similar school of thought on everything.  No disagreements. Shared interests and hobbies.  Just. Someone that is the exact same as you.

For me. It is the imperfections of someone for you that make you work. It is how you deal with opposing expectations, how you still love each other even when you have a stupid bicker over the television. Those moments. Thats when you are perfect. You are perfect in how you deal with it and stick with it and love each other.

I am by no means looking for my perfect. Every man that I have been with has been a version of imperfect. And I don’t think that there will ever be an absolute match for me. I think I would find that boring to be quite frank.

The more I think about it, I think the reason myself and Big aren’t together anymore is that his love for American football and his need for someone to just “fit in” to his life was just so strong that he decided that my imperfections were not perfect enough for him.

I had a boring date last night. And I can’t help but think that I want someone strong, independent,  brave. Someone like me in those aspects. Kind, loving  and caring. But the rest. The rest after that can be worked on.

My god. I miss him something terrible.

Repeating

What do you do when you find yourself repeating the same patterns again and again?

I am sure that everyone does it. I find myself doing it again at the moment and I just cannot snap myself out of it. How do you stop yourself from falling into the same pitfalls? Mine is that I see someone, I like them, nay, love them and they have their faults. All of the guys I fall for are sweet and considerate (at the beginning anyway) and kind of geeky. But they are also damaged in someway.

We all have our shit. But I own my shit. I have waded through my shit until I was neck deep and nearly drowning. I reached down and I got that fucking plug and I pulled it. I was covered in it, but I have owned it. I washed it off and I learnt from it.

Why do so many men out there not admit that they have issues? We have all had those relationships that have filled us with this dread and these feelings that just rear their ugly heads in any relationship that we get into.

So many women out there own it. They go to counselling they deal with it all. Men? They just brush it under the rug and let it rule all the decisions that they make later. I am trying not to lump the sexes all in together but I am talking about me and the guys that I seem to get in with.

I get to this stage where I compromise so much so early on just to keep the guy that I end up not compromising at all! Just giving up on my dream. I nearly sent the message “If you can do long distance for six months and come visit me at least once I promise to come home in January”. How on earth can I promise someone something like that and be happy with it?! Sure right now I would love to go home but my gut is telling me to stay (plus I don’t think my bowels would like me to make that journey again).

I am not going to send that message. It is fucking absurd of me to even think about sending that message. I decided that I want someone that will travel. Hell. I want someone that wants me enough so move the earth to be with me. I don’t want someone so afraid of how much they could hurt because of the pain that they have felt in the past that they will not make the effort now. We all know I would make all the effort. But I just don’t want to do it alone again.

Skype

It is an amazing thing. Keeps you connected to everyone back home and makes you feel thag little bit less alone.

I have three interviews coming up!  Busy busy but all exciting. All three are career interviews. Still in retail but all with movement available. 

PC and I Skyped. Felt like he was half hearted and not into it so I gave out to him. He apologised and told me that he is all in. Thing is. I think he would love it here.

He thinks if he doesn’t say the words he won’t feel it. It is wholly frustrating to me as I am an expressive person. But he has a chance, if he screws up it is done, too early in the relationship for that.

Seriously love him though.

Being a Lady

So I need advice, or just to get this out here. I am not sure to be honest!

I dress well, I have a nice clear accent and I am well educated. I probably swear a bit too much but have figured it is endearing because of my accent, and I have the dirtiest sense of humor than anyone I know.

It is getting the balance right for this. I like to look sexy, but I idolise women in TV, film and the real world that have a sense of elegance about them. But I am more edgy then that (or that is what I like to think anyway).

So this is where I need to know what to do. As I have said before I have a bit of a situation with the ONS fella. Myself and his sister has cleared things up nicely but it now looks like we might be spending Paddy’s Day together. The last thing I want it to be is awkward.

The best situation, I am not going to lie, is for him to fall madly in love with him for me to tell him that he wasted his chance and I am never ever going to fall for his words again. But then he drags himself through the gutter for me and we end up madly in love.

NOW I am snapping myself out of this Shinners! This is not going to happen. But what is?

As I have posted before, this is where I left it:

“Me: okay so this is bugging me… Are ya ever going to ask me out?
Him: hey good morning
well I’m not in Dublin yet and I’m still just very fresh out of a LTR
Why’s it bugging you?”
I haven’t responded. Should I? They have another sibling that is going through a difficult time at the moment and my friend told me that he was caught up in it down the country. Obviously he is moving up to Dublin but I just want to know do I say something? Do I say “sorry to hear about your sibling” Or anything at all! I don’t know if I want to get everything out in the air before we inevitably run into each other again.
I have never been in this situation before and I want to handle it in the most ladylike way possible. I don’t want to swear, I don’t want to yell but I want to firmly tell him that he fucked up.
On another note this is just the best article I have read in I don’t know how long! Please read it anyone that is single or in an unhappy relationship. I have my faults sure but at the end of the day I value myself way too much to get into a relationship with someone that I don’t love. And I cannot find anyone that I do love.

Relationships

I had a conversation with one of my best friends yesterday. She wore my ear off for about an hour freaking out because she was just after working out what kind of relationship she wanted.

She has literally just realised that she wants a relationship with a BDSM edge. She wants a man to be manly. She wants one to take control of the main decisions and to overpower her in the bedroom.

She seems to think that admitting this is going against her heritage. She going against all the strong women in her family. My argument is that a true male dominant relationship can only happen in a loving, equal and respectful home. Otherwise it is just a relationship that is abusive.

What has gotten me dumbfounded is that it has taken her so long to realise this! I have probably known that I like this dynamic since I was about 6… I didn’t understand obviously but I knew that I had a huge crush on my teacher. Why? Because he had the power, that is why. It has continued throughout my life.

Unfortunately my relationships haven’t echoed what I really want. I have gotten men that can control in the bedroom but have the rest of their lives in disarray. Stephen controlled me but not in a healthy BDSM way, he controlled me in the borderline abusive way. He was a douche. Douche and bdsm do not go hand in hand. Douche and douche do.