Dreams are what you make of them

A couple of weeks ago. I had a dream. It was a dream that shook me to the core, and I haven’t been the same since.

Basically, I was in a town that was meant to be Venice, with my ex, my Mam and her ex before this one.

Anyway. My ex took me to this big square. Stood me in the middle and told me he would be back. Suddenly the square got really busy. And a banner came down on the main building.

The square suddenly got really busy but there was something wrong with the banner. Only the last two lines came down “please Shinners”.

Well you can imagine, everyone thought someone was being proposed to. In my gut I knew this wasn’t the case. Everyone was trying to work out who I was. Some bright spark got everyone to sit down that wasn’t me. I started to panic. Anything that I said or did would paint me to be a bitch. No one would understand everything that he put me through.

The rest of the banner came down. It read “love me please shinners” (obviously with my name not my fake one). He didn’t want me to forgive him. He didn’t want to be with me. He didn’t want me to marry him. He just wanted me to love him.

I felt so panicky. I was standing there in the middle of everyone and everyone was staring, not understanding what was going on. Just thinking that there was a man asking me to be with him. I responded with “I do love you but I am trying not to” .

It was a wake up call. It was open and honest. I am trying not to love him anymore. I am fed up of loving him and slowly but surely I am ridding myself of the toxicity of my ex. I want to get rid of him. I never wanted to get over him so much.

Full Circle

So I spoke to the ex today. I was going through and deleting old texts and I just thought I would call him to catch up.

I asked him about counselling, asked him whether or not he was still going. I also asked him about his ex.

For once he told me the truth. He is not at counselling anymore. He feels like his main issue, which was his ex, has been resolved.

So I asked him about the ex. She had contacted him. They met up. Turns out, she showed her true colours to him that night. The colours that everyone had told him was there and what he had managed to ignore or what she had managed to hide for 5 years.

He told me that she contacted him and they met up. He said that she acted weird from the beginning, flirting a lot and then with more drink on her, she started behaving like he was bothering her to strangers and then picking arguments with him.

Now, I am well aware that he is a stinking liar and there are two sides to every story. But the fact that he told me. And he actually apologised for putting me through all this drama. It is just mad wrapping my head around the fact that it wasn’t all in my head. It is her head. She is a crazy ass bitch and he has been a stinking liar.

They would make a great couple right?

Anyway, she has moved to Southampton to be with her boyfriend (poor him!) and I am sure that it just will not be mentioned to him; or there will be another lie told. I kinda think that drama follows my ex and his ex around. Silly people. You want drama? Get Crohns.

ANYWAY. This has provided me with at least some closure. He didn’t lie again and we were on the phone for over an hour just chatting. It was kinda nice and just rounded things off.


Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂

From the beginning. Part one

So I just want to tell the story of my relationship from the beginning. Mainly to clear my own head in a safe place.

I met the OH online. We started to date and we didn’t click in person at all. But by text he was lovely, a gentleman. He made me pay half on the first date. Half of something I barely went near!

So second date comes around and we go to the cinema. I am all leaning in close and whispering in his ear. But nadda. He doesn’t once lean in to kiss me. I also didn’t even offer to pay this time 🙂 SO we ran into some of his friends and he didn’t introduce me. I thought this is it. I am done.

But he was so damn apologetic by text it wasn’t even funny. I really didn’t think he liked me seeing as he never made an effort to even lean in. But seemingly he was just nervous. So the third date came around. I told him to make a special effort. And he really did. But it fell through… there was a storm approaching so he ended up at mine, after about 4 hours of the date he finally kissed me. It was a perfect kiss… went on to have him scratch the fuck out of my back but it was all so so good.

The next weekend he came over to mine again, it was a Friday night, and I had had a date planned with the ex on the Saturday night for a long time. So he came over. We had sex three times and it was okay. Not amazing but ok. And it was fun!

The next night I stayed at the ex’s house. We basically ended it. It was a nice way to finish it all.

So back to me and the OH. The sex got better, we are into the same stuff which helps. Because I am a safety freak I asked him if he had ever had sex with no condom on before and if he had been tested. His response was “No never, and I thought I had something before but it turned out I had a urine infection so it is all good.”

On both points he was lying. I should have known. At 21 I was the 9th person that he had slept with. But I thought after 9 girls you would have the cop on to get tested and be honest about it.

About three months in we were drunkenly fumbling and I blurted out that I loved him. He didn’t say it back.

I spent a month feeling so insecure. I knew that he was in contact with all of the other 8 girls and I knew that he didn’t love me and I just didn’t understand. He invited me to a gig to meet his Ex. I accepted even if just to see if I had something to be worried about or if he just wanted me there to show me off.

I really didn’t want to go but I did. I was feeling very tired after work and I just wanted to collapse. We met her and she was his type down to the ground. Well what he had told me was his type anyway. So she went off and played some God awful music while we chatted. Then she came over and I may aswell have not existed. It was awful. Body language away from me. Not including me in conversations about people I didn’t know. Whenever I tried so say something she just spun it back around to her.

She went to chat to someone else. I told himself that I had had enough and I was off. I felt like I was playing third wheel.He let me leave, didn’t walk me out to a cab or anything. He also stayed out with her until past two in the morning. I spoke to him the next day to finish it. That was when it should hae been the end.

The Final Letter (I Hope)

Everyone kept on telling me to delete you from facebook. But I was never going to because even though I really don’t like you now. I did love you more than anything else in the world. Three years of memories you just deleted in one hit of the “unfriend” button. I would understand if I had been uncivil or I was posting thinggs that would upset you but I hadn’t. I had kept my private private.

The first weekend after we broke up. You posted about how the cinema on your own was so much fun. It was such a low blow because that is what we used to do together. I have never done anything like that.

There were and are girls that you had flings with still on your facebook and yet someone that you shared a bed with for that long just gets deleted in a stupid rage. THAT WAS MY RAGE TO HAVE. You have taken every little bit of decency in this whole thing and taken it away. You have taken all of the memories and just dashed them. Between this and the lies I just wonder why you were ever with me because you obviously never liked/loved/respected me.

You saw me briefly on Friday with another man. It wasn’t on O’Connell Street because we were never on O’Connell Street. But is this why you have decided to be mean to me yet again? Or is it just you being you?

To be clear. The reason that I wanted to send someone else is because I am still so hurt by you. Seeing you does make me feel sick. Not because you are ugly. But because the Boy that you said you had turned into would never treat me like this. You are forgetting. I never broke your heart.

Edit: The response
“I don’t really know what to say to most of what you said. Memories never go away and I’ll always remember what we had.

I unfriended you out of anger because of how you’re acting about this money situation, demanding I hand over whatever was in my bank account “because it was yours” and how I didn’t deserve to save because you couldn’t, having me sign a “contract” to get your money back. It is something I regret doing and I’m sorry, it should have been your choice.

I enjoy the cinema on my own because it helps me unwind after work, It is not to rub it in that you’re not there anymore”

The generic answer from the most messed up man that I know. I actually started writing down our relationship a few years ago in a draft. One of these days I am going to publish it in parts.

Little Boy

The ex has a new profile picture. It is him when he was about one or two. Cute as a button, happy out smiling.

Thing is, I look at it and I feel sad. Sad that that boy has gone. It is replaced by a man with. No feelings or emotions. If he had even an ounce of that little boy left, we might not have broken up.

You wonder what went so wrong in his life.

In other news, I had two dates in three days with the same guy. No kissing yet. I think I might like him. Personality wise he is the male form of me. Looks wise he is cute but we have to work on appearance. Also I believe he may have very little baggage. Whoop!

The Past

This is the letter I wrote to him (x), his ex (b) and her new boyfriend (a).
“I am writing an email to all three of you. B, A and X. I have been excluded in conversations and decisions that have effected me and I have decided that this is not going to happen any more. 


I need to tell my story. When I first met you. I was tired and anxious. I was worried that this girl that broke my boyfriends heart would be playing games with him. I was worried that X only wanted me to come along to meet you because he wanted to make you jealous. This was what was going through my head when I met you. 
It turns out I was right about one thing. The way that you both behaved was despicable that night. For this I blame you and X. After this. I don’t blame you. 
Not to re-hash the night, but X should have told you that you were out of order. He should have judged the situation better, he should have left with me. Maybe if he had done these things then the way that things played out would have been different. 
I would not have been as suspicious of your relationship. You would have known where the line is and you wouldn’t have crossed it. But you did. And so did he. Constantly. I don’t know if you know, but I asked him not to discuss our relationship with you. He has plenty of friends that he could talk to for advice. But he kept on involving you. You became the third person in my relationship. 
He talked to you about sex. And you to him. You said things that I can only read as you keeping him wrapped around your little finger. He didn’t see the problem. I don’t know if you know that X did this. But when you had asked him not to hang around with Ais when you were together, he did. And when you used to ask him if she was around and he said “no”. She was. This was years ago. But I ask you. Did this break your heart a little bit when you knew he was lying? Did you feel betrayed when he saw his ex more then he saw you? If the answer is “yes” then why did you involve yourself in something that did the same to me?
A mentioned cheating in his emails. X tried to explain. But I can explain me better then anyone else. 
You two had a long distance relationship. You saw each other. What? Once a month? Most of your relationship was through text, facebook, boards, webcam and email. Because of this, every time he spoke to you I felt like he was cheating on me emotionally. This is a far bigger deal to me then physical cheating. 
I don’t know if you understand that. You would come to him for advice when I thought you should go to your friends, not your ex. Like I would be friendly with my ex, but he is my ex, not my friend. I have friends to go to advice. Friends that don’t know me as well as he knows me but I would not want to play with his and my emotions by telling him about my sex life. It is just inappropriate. Some things should be sacred in a relationship. 
I didn’t want him to choose between us. It isn’t healthy to have a relationship like that. But he kept on putting your feelings before mine. He kept on lying to me (not even about you) and everything just built on top of each other and I exploded. I packed my bags and I moved out. I had opinions about my relationship from you, (the other girl he is back in contact with) and other people in his life. It was turning me into someone I didn’t like and I couldn’t take any more. 
Your texts were perfectly timed. “Five years ago today we met for the first time” closely followed by “I will always be here”. You knew we were arguing. You knew this. You knew you were an issue between us (I found out from A’s email that X had broken my trust yet again and told you) and yet you sent them.
He chose me. I made him email you in my company. All my trust in him had gone. And it turns out I was right not to trust him because he was planning on keeping contact with you on the side. 
I have known something hasn’t been right between me and X. He wanted to contact you two weeks ago wanting to know how you feel about the situation. I didn’t know about A‘s emails at the time and I was terribly upset. I thought we were past everything. 
I cannot actually believe that you would involve yourself in this situation. Fair enough. Email X about how upset B is. But to judge my relationship is just out of line. You know B. You have never met X. And you have only ever heard about me from someone that met me once. Once. 
I am pleased for both of you. Finding each other in this world is really hard. And being happy is even harder. 
I admire you A for standing up for B. But like I am not blameless. Nor is she. And now, nor are you. All four of us have had their say and made their mistakes. Unfortunately, we have all had our say and made our mistakes in my relationship. I have not involved myself in yours. And nor would I dream of doing it even though I dislike you all right now. But I dislike myself too. 
X is currently wrestling with his feelings. I have taken a step back. I am not going to ask him to choose between me and you again. I cannot be with him if you are around but I cannot trust him any more anyway. I have told him I cannot be with him if life continues the way it is. So currently I am single. I am heartbroken and angry. 
He may be back in contact with you B, he may not. I don’t care as long as what little bit of what was left for just us in our relationship is kept that way. We may decide to try to work on us down the line. But that will be our choice. No one elses. And you both had better stay away from it. 
I am sorry you have lost your friend. I truly am. I am sorry things worked out the way that they did. X made decisions that hurt us all.
I am sorry if this email bothered you. Or if you just don’t care. Or even if it doesn’t make much sense. But I am trying to hold myself together. “

No More Love

I cannot seem to link a youtube page on my phone. I am telling you that you will not be sorry though. The song is amazing and powerful. It actually sums up how I feel about my ex perfectly. He was a lying bastard. He still is. Spineless and very selfish and lazy.

At a time of need I asked him to be here for me. We have been trying to be friends. I hated asking him. I hated myself. But he still somehow made it about him. And he hasn’t been here at all for me.

It really reaffirms the fact that even though I love him still. I will never be in love with him again. I could never and will never trust him. Even as my best friend.


Can it ruin a relationship? 

More to the point… will I let it ruin mine? 

Okay so it actually isn’t the porn that is bothering me. It is the lies attached to it. When we were going through some of the drama in our relationship (read below, I will not bore you with the details AGAIN) I rightly – or wrongly asked my boy not to watch porn. 

Because of comments that he had made to me about sex with other girls, how he would stare blankly at other women in the street, to name but a few problems, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. 

I found it hard to strip off, I found it hard to look in the mirror. Ffs I even posted pictures of the girls that I thought that he wanted to be with. 

Porn was also effecting our sex life. He was removed from it sometimes. Just going through the motions, and even the dirty stuff, I felt like I was just an extra in the porno that was playing in his head. 

So about 9 months ago I asked him not to watch it anymore. He would watch it A LOT. Whenever he was “bored” in fact and it was just wearing me down with everything else going on. 

He agreed and I had no reason to doubt him, until I found out he lied. 

Now this is a small lie yes. But a lie that was added on top of all the bigger lies. A lie that could have been a simple “You know what Shin? I am finding this porn thing difficult and I watched it last night.” And then we could have discussed it like adults and hopefully the problem wouldn’t have become worse. 

But no. He lied. And then I believed him again. And he lied again. So naturally the third time works a charm and up until last month I didn’t believe him. But he insisted. I found no damning evidence and I LIKE A FOOL believed and trusted him all over again. 

Well. I am definitely the fool this time. I found stuff. He admitted to it last month. Again because he was “bored” and a simple admission of the fact would have done him so many favours  But instead I am treated like the demon. He is ignoring me, even though we are in the same room. And now I am PISSED. 

Funny thing is, I have had a really bad day today with thinking about his and our past. I felt very low in my self-worth and very unattractive. I put it down to feeling a bit under the weather. But I know that my gut always tells me when there is something to find. And do you know what? BINGO. 

Going Away

I am going away with the boy. But we got into an argument last night. 

The problem is. He was such a slut before me that I just cannot get images out of my head. On Saturday he wanted me to meet his best friend. So I went along. 

Now his best friend is female and he has slept with her… more than once now. Well I was lovely and charming but could I get the images out of my head? No. 

It was horrid. I still have them in my head. And I am one of those people that need to know everything but I picture it and I feel nauseous.

AND she was the opposite to me (smaller if that is even possible and a larger body type) I just found the whole thing an ego-bruising experience.

About five times a day the images flash in my head with her and the others and my bubble bursts. 

I love him so much but when do I stop it to stop me going mad and losing myself? I am not like this. I am not neurotic. I just hate myself for it and I hate him for not being able to keep it in his pants.