Little Boy

The ex has a new profile picture. It is him when he was about one or two. Cute as a button, happy out smiling.

Thing is, I look at it and I feel sad. Sad that that boy has gone. It is replaced by a man with. No feelings or emotions. If he had even an ounce of that little boy left, we might not have broken up.

You wonder what went so wrong in his life.

In other news, I had two dates in three days with the same guy. No kissing yet. I think I might like him. Personality wise he is the male form of me. Looks wise he is cute but we have to work on appearance. Also I believe he may have very little baggage. Whoop!

The Past

This is the letter I wrote to him (x), his ex (b) and her new boyfriend (a).
 
“I am writing an email to all three of you. B, A and X. I have been excluded in conversations and decisions that have effected me and I have decided that this is not going to happen any more. 
 

B, 

 
I need to tell my story. When I first met you. I was tired and anxious. I was worried that this girl that broke my boyfriends heart would be playing games with him. I was worried that X only wanted me to come along to meet you because he wanted to make you jealous. This was what was going through my head when I met you. 
 
It turns out I was right about one thing. The way that you both behaved was despicable that night. For this I blame you and X. After this. I don’t blame you. 
 
Not to re-hash the night, but X should have told you that you were out of order. He should have judged the situation better, he should have left with me. Maybe if he had done these things then the way that things played out would have been different. 
 
I would not have been as suspicious of your relationship. You would have known where the line is and you wouldn’t have crossed it. But you did. And so did he. Constantly. I don’t know if you know, but I asked him not to discuss our relationship with you. He has plenty of friends that he could talk to for advice. But he kept on involving you. You became the third person in my relationship. 
 
He talked to you about sex. And you to him. You said things that I can only read as you keeping him wrapped around your little finger. He didn’t see the problem. I don’t know if you know that X did this. But when you had asked him not to hang around with Ais when you were together, he did. And when you used to ask him if she was around and he said “no”. She was. This was years ago. But I ask you. Did this break your heart a little bit when you knew he was lying? Did you feel betrayed when he saw his ex more then he saw you? If the answer is “yes” then why did you involve yourself in something that did the same to me?
 
A mentioned cheating in his emails. X tried to explain. But I can explain me better then anyone else. 
 
You two had a long distance relationship. You saw each other. What? Once a month? Most of your relationship was through text, facebook, boards, webcam and email. Because of this, every time he spoke to you I felt like he was cheating on me emotionally. This is a far bigger deal to me then physical cheating. 
 
I don’t know if you understand that. You would come to him for advice when I thought you should go to your friends, not your ex. Like I would be friendly with my ex, but he is my ex, not my friend. I have friends to go to advice. Friends that don’t know me as well as he knows me but I would not want to play with his and my emotions by telling him about my sex life. It is just inappropriate. Some things should be sacred in a relationship. 
 
I didn’t want him to choose between us. It isn’t healthy to have a relationship like that. But he kept on putting your feelings before mine. He kept on lying to me (not even about you) and everything just built on top of each other and I exploded. I packed my bags and I moved out. I had opinions about my relationship from you, (the other girl he is back in contact with) and other people in his life. It was turning me into someone I didn’t like and I couldn’t take any more. 
 
Your texts were perfectly timed. “Five years ago today we met for the first time” closely followed by “I will always be here”. You knew we were arguing. You knew this. You knew you were an issue between us (I found out from A’s email that X had broken my trust yet again and told you) and yet you sent them.
 
He chose me. I made him email you in my company. All my trust in him had gone. And it turns out I was right not to trust him because he was planning on keeping contact with you on the side. 
 
I have known something hasn’t been right between me and X. He wanted to contact you two weeks ago wanting to know how you feel about the situation. I didn’t know about A‘s emails at the time and I was terribly upset. I thought we were past everything. 
 
A. 
 
I cannot actually believe that you would involve yourself in this situation. Fair enough. Email X about how upset B is. But to judge my relationship is just out of line. You know B. You have never met X. And you have only ever heard about me from someone that met me once. Once. 
 
I am pleased for both of you. Finding each other in this world is really hard. And being happy is even harder. 
 
I admire you A for standing up for B. But like I am not blameless. Nor is she. And now, nor are you. All four of us have had their say and made their mistakes. Unfortunately, we have all had our say and made our mistakes in my relationship. I have not involved myself in yours. And nor would I dream of doing it even though I dislike you all right now. But I dislike myself too. 
 
X is currently wrestling with his feelings. I have taken a step back. I am not going to ask him to choose between me and you again. I cannot be with him if you are around but I cannot trust him any more anyway. I have told him I cannot be with him if life continues the way it is. So currently I am single. I am heartbroken and angry. 
 
He may be back in contact with you B, he may not. I don’t care as long as what little bit of what was left for just us in our relationship is kept that way. We may decide to try to work on us down the line. But that will be our choice. No one elses. And you both had better stay away from it. 
 
I am sorry you have lost your friend. I truly am. I am sorry things worked out the way that they did. X made decisions that hurt us all.
 
I am sorry if this email bothered you. Or if you just don’t care. Or even if it doesn’t make much sense. But I am trying to hold myself together. “

Online Dating

He is back online. He told me that he only wanted to see what was out there but he has pictures and all. Two of them were taken by me. One of them I took on the greatest holiday we ever had and the other was taken on the holiday that he told me he wasn’t in love with me on. 

It is hard to grasp that he has changed from not wanting a relationship with anyone and that he needs to fix himself to wanting to date people, but just not me. 

WTF. Three years for fuck all. I thought this was it. He is looking for someone new. Fuck him. 

Porn

Can it ruin a relationship? 

More to the point… will I let it ruin mine? 

Okay so it actually isn’t the porn that is bothering me. It is the lies attached to it. When we were going through some of the drama in our relationship (read below, I will not bore you with the details AGAIN) I rightly – or wrongly asked my boy not to watch porn. 

Because of comments that he had made to me about sex with other girls, how he would stare blankly at other women in the street, to name but a few problems, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. 

I found it hard to strip off, I found it hard to look in the mirror. Ffs I even posted pictures of the girls that I thought that he wanted to be with. 

Porn was also effecting our sex life. He was removed from it sometimes. Just going through the motions, and even the dirty stuff, I felt like I was just an extra in the porno that was playing in his head. 

So about 9 months ago I asked him not to watch it anymore. He would watch it A LOT. Whenever he was “bored” in fact and it was just wearing me down with everything else going on. 

He agreed and I had no reason to doubt him, until I found out he lied. 

Now this is a small lie yes. But a lie that was added on top of all the bigger lies. A lie that could have been a simple “You know what Shin? I am finding this porn thing difficult and I watched it last night.” And then we could have discussed it like adults and hopefully the problem wouldn’t have become worse. 

But no. He lied. And then I believed him again. And he lied again. So naturally the third time works a charm and up until last month I didn’t believe him. But he insisted. I found no damning evidence and I LIKE A FOOL believed and trusted him all over again. 

Well. I am definitely the fool this time. I found stuff. He admitted to it last month. Again because he was “bored” and a simple admission of the fact would have done him so many favours  But instead I am treated like the demon. He is ignoring me, even though we are in the same room. And now I am PISSED. 

Funny thing is, I have had a really bad day today with thinking about his and our past. I felt very low in my self-worth and very unattractive. I put it down to feeling a bit under the weather. But I know that my gut always tells me when there is something to find. And do you know what? BINGO. 

So tonight

I am GOING OUT! So excited! I have a bed booked in a hostel in the centre of town and I am going with some girls in a similar situation to me that I met on the internet. M can’t go because she has to work (which sucks) but hell I am excited.

It is going to be my first time staying in a non-private roomed hostel but I am sure it will be fine… girls only! So today I Skyped my Mam and now I am going to take it easy. I may go for a bit of a walk around the neighbourhood (purely so my stomach looks flat in my dress tonight) and then I have to start all my night out prep.

Yesterday I managed to find Irish butter and my Father Ted DVD arrived so I was delighted with myself. So after a bit of a shit day it ended well.

Interweb surfing

I saw this on 10 o’clock live and thought that it was priceless. 

I have been surfing the interweb a lot today (trying to follow the news and such) and have found some really interesting things.  Glen Hansard is on twitter (@Glen_Hansard) and tweeted about these epic mixtapes. So you can read about them here and then download them for free from Root Blog. They are called the Mississippi Recordings and are truly great.  If anyone finds a free programme that can split the tracks then please comment.

I also thought of the perfect album for road-tripping it down to LA from Seattle and back and had to buy it! I got The Essential Bruce Springsteen from HMV for €19.99, which I thought was a good bargain for three disks of genius.

On other notes I finally contacted the Citizens Information, and it wasn’t so bad! It looks like I might have the support to get somewhere to live.