I have arrived in Vancouver, BC. I am now legal to work and live here. This is the start of something that could change my life. I am both excited and stressed about it. I really need to get a job which is just the frustrating thing. But sure. I will get there!
The thing about depression, is that it hits you when you are not expecting it. It can happen while you have been feeling happy, it can hit you when you are feeling sad.
This time it has hit me when all the good things have been happening. I moved house, I met my half brother. And them slam bam lam I am depressed.
Thing is, I know the reason for it this time. My neighbour moved home, she had invited me up to hers for the night, we made plans, she forgot to confirm with her mother, she bailed yesterday AFTER I reminded her. There was family around in her home so I couldn’t go. That’s fine, I just don’t want to be the one to remind someone. Then there was a whole thing about plans for drinks with work. Everyone bailed. I am just fed up of the whole thing. I had amazing plans and then they fell through.
That coupled with the fact that my new place is so fucking freezing that I am thrown back to the God awful days when this blog was started. When I lived with Mam and her ex and we didn’t have enough money for heating. This isn’t the case here, but I am after moving in with girls that work mad hours and a lot of nights. So I am alone in a freezing house. I have a week of work and nothing to fill my time, and to make things worse Mam is in Paris.
So I am at a loss, thinking about the past. Missing my ex, wanting nothing more then for him to find out where I live, knock on my door, take me in his arms and keep me warm. I am in a new house, he has never been here and that sucks.
Plus it is right around the corner from our first apartment. I pass it every day. I went to our pizza place today. Where we had our one and only date that he surprised me with. And I got a take away. I saw a couple and it was everything I could do not to cry.
I miss you Stephen. I miss you and I know that I shouldn’t and I know that you will never keep me warm in bed again. But I want it so badly right now. I want to go back one whole year. One whole year, I was sick but I didn’t know what was wrong. We lived together. We were going to spend Christmas together (and we did). We bought our very first tree.
I spent two days with my half brother. And the only person I wanted to talk to about it was you. I wanted to call you Stephen and tell you.
You attacked me, bullied me, turned me into a shadow of myself. And I loved you with every inch. I adored you and I wanted you. You broke me in the most sinister way possible.
And now I am depressed again. Months later, I am feeling it again. Please let this end.
I am doing a clearout. Every night I go to bed and I see his little hairs but this weekend is a long weekend so I have the time and the energy to actually clean and clear his shit out.
Myself and my neighbor have gone from strength to strength in our relationship. We looked at a new apartment which would give me a tiny room but would mean that I can save for the big trip.
We spent time together in Berlin and bonded. It was lovely actually. Although my relationship with my best male friend might have suffered. I am not happy about it but that is life.
Anyway. I was a little down that we found somewhere because I thought that the next place I moved into would be where I would be moving with him that we had bought.
But the cleaning is making me feel better! I am cleaning him out of my system.
I went to a market with my neighbor, her brother and his boyfriend, the girl that she is dating and her gay best friend. I never thought that I would be in that situation. I never thought that I would be comfortable in that situation. He made me feel like I wouldn’t be comfortable in that situation. He made me feel like I would embarrass myself. And guess what? I didn’t!
So today us the big day that he moves all of his stuff out of the apartment. He has been gone a month now. A month that has both dragged and flown in.
He packed his things on Friday after. Work. We had sex and it was amazing. And he stayed over. I know that if he wanted me back and we tried again it probably wouldn’t work. But that doesn’t really stop me from wanting him to want to come back. To me.
I miss him all the time. I even miss the hellish arguments, his controlling nature and his ability to make me feel like shit. I just miss him. Warts and all.
I feel on the way to work the other day. I have been jn bits since. I miss his ability to make me laugh through the pain.
I think I just thought that this day wouldn’t happen. I thought that in a month his mind would change and he would realise what a great life he had here with me. Note that I say the great life he had. I gave so much more to this relationship then he did. It just feels like the best I had wasn’t good enough.
Body and mind. Can I please do the no strings attached sex with him. Please. I just don’t want to lose all of him. I want to keep part of us all to myself.
I am currently on my second day in America! What a culture shock… everything is so different.
People in shops (or stores) smile creepily at you when you walk in and “Awesome” is commonplace. It is also very cool though. The Grocery stores are massive and there are bargins to be had! (Things can also be very expensive as well though so I think it kind of cancels out).
Plans for the holiday are still a little bit up in the air at the moment though… My friend M is still waiting to hear about work so plans can not be properly made. The home that I am staying in is nestled in the forests and it is so pretty here. We went to a waterfall today and because of all the rain it was very full. Continue reading