Things it is easy to forget

When I was at my lowest, after Stephen left and I found myself living alone I saw something in the amazing shop that is Penneys. It is a cushion. White with rainbow writing, “Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day”.

Now I am not usually one for inspirational quotes and especially not inspirational quotes on cushions, but this spoke to me, and I got it. I also got a rainbow blanket to match, and these things followed me over to Canada. They are on my rocking chair. I see them every day but they just don’t compute with me sometimes.

Today is one of those days. My life has turned into some sort of a shit storm if I am honest. I have been demoted in work. They are basically taking the one reason for me to be in this country away from me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my job. I loath it. I love my staff but I hate head office so much. I hate their lack of concern for the store, the fact that they have given me no support, now they ship in the new District Manager and instead of saying “What can I do to help?” they say “We are going to demote you to Assistant Manager again, back in your old store and bring someone new in”.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day on and off the phone to police trying to get them to warn my father to stay away from me and not harass me anymore. Now this.

I actually wonder how people get lives that just plod along. You know? Simple enough, no huge dramas, well maybe one or two but nothing like this. For me it is just BAM BAM BAM. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. But honestly? I am struggling to work out why the universe likes to just take a shit storm at my door every time I seem to get my life on some sort of track. I am half expecting to go into a Crohns flare. You know. Just because the universe can do that to me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that so many people have it worse then me. But there are only so many times in my life that I can hear “It’s okay, you are a tough cookie, you will get through it.”

I AM NOT A FUCKING TOUGH COOKIE. I AM SENSITIVE AND FUCKING DROWNING HERE.

THE ONLY REASON THAT I WOULD BE CLASSED AS A TOUGH COOKIE IS BECAUSE LIFE LIKES TO FUCK ME OVER AND I HAVE NEVER HAD IT FUCKING EASY YOU FUCKING PRICKS.

I like to believe in karma, I really do. but seriously. I have not been a bad person. Maybe a couple of times I have hurt people, but I have felt so bad about it I have punished myself for that. What on earth can I do to get a stable life?

Living alone in a foreign country sucks. Like seriously sucks. Why the fuck?!

“I heard that Irish people are bad kissers”

So I am back on Tinder. You might think it is early, but after fixing myself after Stephen, I am ready to date and find someone to have a relationship with. I am not saying I will die if I don’t get that, but I am ready.

Just because Big didn’t want me or wasn’t ready for me, doesn’t mean that I stop wanting what I want.

Anyway I had a date tonight with a Canadian guy. OMFG SOOOOO BORING. I am starting to wonder if the only men that are going to be comparable to me interest wise are the other ones that have moved alone. It just makes them a lot more independent and interesting I guess. Because you know what? I was the most interesting person at that table and I was bored stiff. I know how great I am, I don’t need your input into the conversation to be how amazing I am. This I know.

So on the walk back to mine he utters the above sentence. Why do men do this?! I mean. Does it actually work? Are there women out there that automatically want to prove that they are the exception? Are there women out there that have such low self esteem that they have to make sure that the person that they are on a date with knows for certain that they, in fact, are a good kisser?!

He regretted it anyway. I ended up telling him all my bad kissing stories. “Oh my, I nearly puked in his mouth, oh! Oh! He had just eaten a meatball sub ewwww…” Things like that. That’ll teach him.

Oh Big. If you could even get someone to match with you on tinder you would have a bad date and realise how damned lucky you were to have me. Screw you.

Shinners x

Relapse

So no more dates with the crohnsie  have happened. Much to my dismay. Not going to lie… even thinking about him makes me get a tad excited.  Yummmmmmmm.

Saturday the fireworks were on. I ended up going with the Irish fella Tipp. We slept together.  The funny thing is, he is so eager. Mad about me in fact and I am really not bothered.  I have told him how I feel so don’t worry, I am not leading him on. But yeah. The sex was grand. He came so quickly it was actually hilarious.  He did however make it up to me. And he did a fairly good job at it so one cannot stay mad for long.

He had brought one condom only and when he wanted to go again and suggested no condom. I literally kicked him out of the apartment.  That will teach him.

Thing is. And yeah. I am sick of it too. I just want to talk to pc. Again.  At this point it feels like I miss my best friend. I wish I had an indication on whether or not he felt the same way about me. I messaged him after Tipp left asking why he hadn’t contacted me and telling him it would be the last time I messaged him if I didn’t hear back. Nadda. Absolutely nadda.

Done and done

So yeah. Big blow up. It is done.

I sent a message about eight hours later apologising for my part in the argument and expressing my hope that one day we would be friends but I got nothing back.

Thing is. I found myself searching for a one way ticket home for January. And I am not going to lie. It was for him. He said he still had all the feelings for me. He loves me and I love him. But I did my usual thing of pushing too hard and now he just isn’t here. I miss him.

Anyway. I think the homesickness is also getting to me a little. I haven’t not had that horrid sinking feeling in my chest since I got here and it really does suck. I haven’t cried but I just feel the start of a depression coming on. I really do not want to feel like this. Damn black cloud. Go Away. And while that is happening. PC come here.

Anyway. I would say that more dates are happening this weekend. Not sure if I am bothered or not but fuck it. It will keep me occupied. I just won’t get a wax so I cannot make stupid decisions.

I have started my new job. I am seriously hoping that this picks up my mood.

Working

I GOT A JOB.

Turns out Canadian companies are really competitive when it comes to finding out that someone else wants the person you want to hire. Worked out great for me!

The company that I didn’t end up going for, one of the managers that interviewed me keeps on texting. Saying that he will take me out for beers. Married man. He wasn’t pervy when I met him (well I didn’t pick up on it anyway).

His messages have been plain strange, some sent at 10 pm. So anyway kind of pleased that I didn’t take that job in the end.

They only give you two paid weeks holidays a year here?! Madness. I am dead nervous to start but I am sure it’ll be fine once I get in there.

Things have swapped

So things have changed again.

We are speaking still, he is going to try to visit me. However, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t think he can cope with that title and making himself be in a long distance relationship.

So we say we love each other. Talk all the time. He is trying to come over and visit. BUT even though neither of us are looking for anyone, we can date (as long as we tell the other person and the same with sex). I do get it. If neither of us are looking for a date then I doubt it will happen as long as we stay offline. In fact, it is probably more likely that a man will ask me out randomly then him asking another girl out.

So that is it. I guess I am okay with it. I am okay with it as long as he does visit.

I do have one reservation. He is 29, never been in a relationship longer than eight months and has never been on holiday with someone. Probably why I am so keen for him to come over. We can call it quits if we drive each other mad.

ALSO. He fell in love with me just after the second date. Eeeeeek. When I speak to him and am around him, I feel like a Princess. I loves him.

Canada

I have arrived in Vancouver, BC. I am now legal to work and live here. This is the start of something that could change my life. I am both excited and stressed about it. I really need to get a job which is just the frustrating thing. But sure. I will get there!

When the bullets keep coming

Not everything you read online is true.

So when it is said that I have suffered with anal leakage when I have been on medication. That is quite literally bullshit.

When it is said by my ex. It is even more bullshit. He stayed with me a little more than two months of me being on meds. I have now been on them over a year. I have suffered with “leakage” never. Not even with the preparations for my colonoscopys.

He reassured me every time I felt dirty and unsexy in his own controlling way. And now he posts up that his ex had crohns and used to leak while on meds.

Stephen. You didn’t know me on meds. On meds, in remission in less than a year. I have never been healthier. Yes I have bad days. But I am working out 5 days a week. I have not had any sort of accident. And the only shit that you will be smelling is the shit that is coming out of your mouth, coming directly from your brain.

I seriously feel sorry for your new girlfriend. I hope that she realises what a prize tool you are as soon as possible. I want her to break your heart enough for both of us.

That is it. I am done letting you own that your ex had crohns. It isn’t your thing. You are not here, you are not living with it and you ran away rather than dealing with it. I am moving to Canada alone. I am taking my leaking ass and getting out of this country without you. So shove that.

The Pond

I was just thinking how the dating pond has gotten bigger and smaller at the same time.

My last two dates, one was from France, the last one from the Czech Republic. Both I met online, both live and work in Dublin. Back in the day you were reduced to dating the men in your area around your age. Or possibly, friends of the family from a bit further afield. But basically you would date within your community, your county at least. Dublin was the mixing pot of course, what with a dock and many country people moving up for work, but generally speaking.

Now I always feel like even if I meet a really nice guy that I get on well with, there might be someone else out there better suited to me. Someone that I find more attractive, someone that I have more in common with. We always talk about guys feeling this way… like the grass is greener and wanting their cake and eating it too, but fact is, I feel it too.

If I move to Canada, am I going to meet that 6 foot tall guy from the Dominican Republic (their skin is like caramel), with a passion for travelling, a dirty sense of humor, Irish accent and  hairy chest? Probably not. But is it going to stop me from looking around for it? I don’t know.

I guess I am enjoying looking around. I am enjoying broadening my horizons and being single. If I meet someone that I click with I will see what happens then, but honestly? I think we need to stop blaming men a little for playing the field.

Needs

It is so hard when what you want and possibly need are two things that cost money.

I am trying to save enough to move to Canada. It is tough, really tough and expensive. You hear of some people having €10,000 in their pockets flying out. I will be lucky if I have the minimum €2,500.

I really need to find a job before I go. There is no way to be able to afford the mad Vancouver rents without having a job with savings that small!

Then having a life while remaining here. I really want to take this writing course. I know that I don’t need to take the writing course and I possibly don’t need to go to Canada, but they are both things that would help my mental well being. They are things that I need to do to become a well-rounded individual. And to explore my passions as well! I am starting to feel like the only job I would be truly happy in would be to write for myself. Not in a paper or anything but basically writing books and short stories. I would love it.