What you always wanted to say

I am starting to realise that you never were the person you said you were. I knew you had lied, but never knew that your whole personality was a lie.

I guess it is nice to know now that you are just one of the lads looking for an easy lay with anyone and anything drinking loads and just acting immature. It is actually easy to deal with this.

Fact is. Since we ended, I have realised what I don’t want anymore. What I don’t want is someone lazy who was semi psychologically abusive. I don’t want someone that will do and say anything for an easy life and I don’t want someone that will pretend to be the nice guy to get some unfortunate sod into bed with you.

I am going to struggle to trust again. But fuck it. My life has improved since you left it.

I did it!

When we were in Italy, we walked to the top of Mount Vesuvius. This was a massive feat for me. Huge kn fact.

He actually struggled more then me with the incline and I felt like this annoyed him but I was so proud of myself.

We did a bit of food shopping and then went for McDonalds. We were kind of fed up of pasta and pizza all the time at this point.

While we were there I brought up that he felt distant. That is when he told me he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me anymore. Or if he ever loved me as much as his ex.

My point in this post is to highlight that I did something massive for me. So huge. It has been overshadowed. As usual I was overshadowed. So here is my well done to myself.

Also, people should watch the First Wives Club. Diane Keaton’s characters husband is basically my ex in the way he controls things.

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Three years ago today I met the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with for the first time.

A lot of my posts centre on how much of a dick he is. He is a dick. Very much so, but he is a dick that I loved more then anything. Probably more then myself for a while.

I am in what still feels like our bed, not my bed. With tears rolling down my face, nearly hyperventilating.

He never remembered. He will never be mine again. He ruined it all. I will never see his naked body, kiss his lips or wrap myself around him again. He has stuck his penis into some girl.some girl that he didn’t fancy. That he made feel bad. He went against everything he said about sex. How it should be special. He went and fucked some girl(s). He could have had me forever.

The ironic thing is, I wanted it more then him. Then he does this. Probably to prove he can, just because he saw me out on a date.

I feel like we meant nothing. Like I mean nothing. I had to get tested because he has even lied since we broke up. He lies so easily, how can I trust him?

I probably should be over him by now. But I am the damn fool that thought I had found my one. Just I was so blind and everyone else saw what a fraud he was.

Three Years Ago Today

Would I have done anything differently? Have you ever been able to pinpoint your life to one point that put it in the shitter? I can. And it is three years ago today.

I should have gone home. Cancelled. The stress and antibiotics that I was on I am pretty sure sparked my crohns that I was predisposed to.

I try not to regret. But this is impossible not to.

Wonder

I wonder if he remembers that tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of our first date. And our proper anniversary is in a month.

These dates mean nothing now I guess. I still think if my first ex on the 23rd May. But I highly doubt I will ever cross either of their minds. Men don’t get dates I guess.

Part of me thinks it would be nice to get a text. But knowing what I know it would be insincere.

I closed our joint bank account . That was tough.

Off the Market

So I am off the market. Not because I have met anyone, but because I am just not feeling it.

I actually cannot do it anymore. I hate dating. I love being in a relationship and I have loved being single in the past, I just want to get there again.

People keep on saying, or hinting that I should be getting over the ex a lot quicker. I mean, the break up did start in May. I am still heartbroken though. I wake up every morning feeling like crap and I go to bed keeping the tears in. I nearly cried today talking to an old friend about the situation.

I missed my first boyfriend a lot but it had run its course. In this situation I just took knock after knock after knock. With everything and him. I have lost weight and my body is in very good condition. My skin is good (apart from mad bruising on my legs) but I still feel like I am worthless. It is just such a hard feeling to shake.

He left me and he fucks some fat chick, friend of a friend that doesn’t seem that clever. Sure, she may be nice and it isn’t her fault but why did he leave me? Why did he fall out of love with me? I am worth so much more then that dick head. Why did he leave? Just when I needed him the most, just when I was finally over our issues.

If I had an answer other then “I just wasn’t in love with you anymore” then maybe I could start to move on. But I get nadda.

He is a selfish, classless, lazy dickhead. He didn’t deserve me. So why didn’t he want me? Why does he want some easy, classless slut?

Heart

Readers, I don’t often address the readers of my blog. If I think about people reading it too much I think I would stop writing it.

But tonight, after chatting with my ex on the phone, I would love to know peoples. Thoughts on some things.

The first. How much is too much? How much can your heart take before it stops wanting to love again?

Which straw breaks the camals back?

How do you trust again?

At what point do you stop caring?

Why do people lie? And why do you seek the truth from people that lie? Why is their truth worth listening to? I gave my ex enough rope to hang himself with. He hung himself good. He knows I know he is lying yet still won’t come out and tell the truth. This was awful in our relationship. But even now I think it is worse. Before he could lose me with the truth. Now, he could just respect me by telling me the truth. Nothing to lose but maybe my respect. God knows he lost that long ago. I lost it for myself even longer ago. There are things that I know that I shouldn’t know. But when is it time to say enough is enough, I don’t care if you always lied and never respected me? 

He is so good at lying that you start to doubt the concrete evidence.