Perfection

I can’t fool myself. I am not going to be perfect for anyone. No one is ever going to be perfect for me.

I mean perfect is coming from a similar school of thought on everything.  No disagreements. Shared interests and hobbies.  Just. Someone that is the exact same as you.

For me. It is the imperfections of someone for you that make you work. It is how you deal with opposing expectations, how you still love each other even when you have a stupid bicker over the television. Those moments. Thats when you are perfect. You are perfect in how you deal with it and stick with it and love each other.

I am by no means looking for my perfect. Every man that I have been with has been a version of imperfect. And I don’t think that there will ever be an absolute match for me. I think I would find that boring to be quite frank.

The more I think about it, I think the reason myself and Big aren’t together anymore is that his love for American football and his need for someone to just “fit in” to his life was just so strong that he decided that my imperfections were not perfect enough for him.

I had a boring date last night. And I can’t help but think that I want someone strong, independent,  brave. Someone like me in those aspects. Kind, loving  and caring. But the rest. The rest after that can be worked on.

My god. I miss him something terrible.

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Mental

I have been so unbelievably mentally busy that I completely forgot to update this.

Life has just been non-stop. So much so that I have only just started to feel homesick.

Firstly. Health. I did have a tough week with my stomach but then I started my period so panic over! I have had three periods in five weeks though but I think it is my coil finally settling in. I now also have a cold but sure that is part and parcel of life and having no immune system isn’t it?

Second. Work. Work has been mental and I have just received a promotion. Within six weeks I have been promoted and given a new store to open as Store Manager. It is basically unheard of and fairly shocking but exciting all the same. I am not happy with the money that they have offered me but I am looking at going to a career adviser anyway to maybe look at getting out of this aspect of retail. I am exhausted with so many long hours and sporadic starting times my body is just tired (which I think has also lead to the cold).

Thirdly. Friends. So I have steadily been making and keeping friends, both here and at home. My Mam and my best friend back home have both booked flights over so one is over at the end of October and the other is coming over at Christmas. This is very exciting. I just got back from a weekend away with a friend over here. We went to Whistler. It was nice but part of me feels that I give more to that friendship then what I get back from her. But sure. Plenty more time and plenty more people to meet in my travels.

And lastly. Boyfriend. Through the previously mentioned friend, I met my boyfriend. Mr B. He is both perfect and flawed. We have both been single for a very long time and have been in long relationships that didn’t last. In his case, he was married. It is actually taking us both a lot of getting used to adjusting to eachother. It probably doesn’t help that he is American so sometimes the communication is a little stilted. But yeah… we will see how it goes. Sometimes he makes me so happy that I picture everything with him. Other times… not so much. I am going to give it a bit of time but sometimes he goes all school teachery on me which makes me feel a little bit controlled. I really don’t want Stephen 2.0.

But the sex is frigging incredible. Like. OMG. Amazing. Him and his big penis. Yum.

Right well now I have to go because I am all turned on again. Even when he isn’t around he has this effect on me. Mad about the man I am.

What you always wanted to say

I am starting to realise that you never were the person you said you were. I knew you had lied, but never knew that your whole personality was a lie.

I guess it is nice to know now that you are just one of the lads looking for an easy lay with anyone and anything drinking loads and just acting immature. It is actually easy to deal with this.

Fact is. Since we ended, I have realised what I don’t want anymore. What I don’t want is someone lazy who was semi psychologically abusive. I don’t want someone that will do and say anything for an easy life and I don’t want someone that will pretend to be the nice guy to get some unfortunate sod into bed with you.

I am going to struggle to trust again. But fuck it. My life has improved since you left it.

From the beginning. Part one

So I just want to tell the story of my relationship from the beginning. Mainly to clear my own head in a safe place.

I met the OH online. We started to date and we didn’t click in person at all. But by text he was lovely, a gentleman. He made me pay half on the first date. Half of something I barely went near!

So second date comes around and we go to the cinema. I am all leaning in close and whispering in his ear. But nadda. He doesn’t once lean in to kiss me. I also didn’t even offer to pay this time ūüôā SO we ran into some of his friends and he didn’t introduce me. I thought this is it. I am done.

But he was so damn apologetic by text it wasn’t even funny. I really didn’t think he liked me seeing as he never made an effort to even lean in. But seemingly he was just nervous. So the third date came around. I told him to make a special effort. And he really did. But it fell through… there was a storm approaching so he ended up at mine, after about 4 hours of the date he finally kissed me. It was a perfect kiss… went on to have him scratch the fuck out of my back but it was all so so good.

The next weekend he came over to mine again, it was a Friday night, and I had had a date planned with the ex on the Saturday night for a long time. So he came over. We had sex three times and it was okay. Not amazing but ok. And it was fun!

The next night I stayed at the ex’s house. We basically ended it. It was a nice way to finish it all.

So back to me and the OH. The sex got better, we are into the same stuff which helps. Because I am a safety freak I asked him if he had ever had sex with no condom on before and if he had been tested. His response was “No never, and I thought I had something before but it turned out I had a urine infection so it is all good.”

On both points he was lying. I should have known. At 21 I was the 9th person that he had slept with. But I thought after 9 girls you would have the cop on to get tested and be honest about it.

About three months in we were drunkenly fumbling and I blurted out that I loved him. He didn’t say it back.

I spent a month feeling so insecure. I knew that he was in contact with all of the other 8 girls and I knew that he didn’t love me and I just didn’t understand. He invited me to a gig to meet his Ex. I accepted even if just to see if I had something to be worried about or if he just wanted me there to show me off.

I really didn’t want to go but I did. I was feeling very tired after work and I just wanted to collapse. We met her and she was his type down to the ground. Well what he had told me was his type anyway. So she went off and played some God awful music while we chatted. Then she came over and I may aswell have not existed. It was awful. Body language away from me. Not including me in conversations about people I didn’t know. Whenever I tried so say something she just spun it back around to her.

She went to chat to someone else. I told himself that I had had enough and I was off. I felt like I was playing third wheel.He let me leave, didn’t walk me out to a cab or anything. He also stayed out with her until past two in the morning. I spoke to him the next day to finish it. That was when it should hae been the end.

The Past

This is the letter I wrote to him (x), his ex (b) and her new boyfriend (a).
 
“I am writing an email to all three of you.¬†B,¬†A¬†and X. I have been excluded in conversations and decisions that have effected me and I have decided that this is not going to happen any more.¬†
 

B, 

 
I need to tell my story. When I first met you. I was tired and anxious. I was worried that this girl that broke my boyfriends heart would be playing games with him. I was worried that X only wanted me to come along to meet you because he wanted to make you jealous. This was what was going through my head when I met you. 
 
It turns out I was right about one thing. The way that you both behaved was¬†despicable¬†that night. For this I blame you and¬†X. After this. I don’t blame you.¬†
 
Not to re-hash the night, but X should have told you that you were out of order. He should have judged the situation better, he should have left with me. Maybe if he had done these things then the way that things played out would have been different. 
 
I would not have been as suspicious of your relationship. You would have known where the line is and you wouldn’t have crossed it. But you did. And so did he. Constantly. I don’t know if you know, but I asked him not to discuss our relationship with you. He has plenty of friends that he could talk to for advice. But he kept on involving you. You became the third person in my relationship.¬†
 
He talked to you about sex. And you to him. You said things that I can only read as you keeping him wrapped around your little finger. He didn’t see the problem. I don’t know if you know that¬†X¬†did this. But when you had asked him not to hang around with Ais when you were together, he did. And when you used to ask him if she was around and he said “no”. She was. This was years ago. But I ask you. Did this break your heart a little bit when you knew he was lying? Did you feel betrayed when he saw his ex more then he saw you? If the answer is “yes” then why did you involve yourself in something that did the same to me?
 
A mentioned cheating in his emails. X tried to explain. But I can explain me better then anyone else. 
 
You two had a long distance relationship. You saw each other. What? Once a month? Most of your relationship was through text, facebook, boards, webcam and email. Because of this, every time he spoke to you I felt like he was cheating on me emotionally. This is a far bigger deal to me then physical cheating. 
 
I don’t know if you understand that. You would come to him for advice when I thought you should go to your friends, not your ex. Like I would be friendly with my ex, but he is my ex, not my friend. I have friends to go to advice. Friends that don’t know me as well as he knows me but I would not want to play with his and my emotions by telling him about my sex life. It is just inappropriate. Some things should be sacred in a relationship.¬†
 
I didn’t want him to choose between us. It isn’t healthy to have a relationship like that. But he kept on putting your feelings before mine. He kept on lying to me (not even about you) and everything just built on top of each other and I exploded. I packed my bags and I moved out. I had opinions about my relationship from you, (the other girl he is back in contact with) and other people in his life. It was turning me into someone I didn’t like and I couldn’t take any more.¬†
 
Your texts were perfectly timed. “Five years ago today we met for the first time” closely followed by “I will always be here”. You knew we were arguing. You knew this. You knew you were an issue between us (I found out from¬†A’s email that¬†X¬†had broken my trust yet again and told you) and yet you sent them.
 
He chose me. I made him email you in my company. All my trust in him had gone. And it turns out I was right not to trust him because he was planning on keeping contact with you on the side. 
 
I have known something hasn’t been right between me and¬†X. He wanted to contact you two weeks ago wanting to know how you feel about the situation. I didn’t know about¬†A‘s emails at the time and I was terribly upset. I thought we were past everything.¬†
 
A. 
 
I cannot actually believe that you would involve yourself in this situation. Fair enough. Email X about how upset B is. But to judge my relationship is just out of line. You know B. You have never met X. And you have only ever heard about me from someone that met me once. Once. 
 
I am pleased for both of you. Finding each other in this world is really hard. And being happy is even harder. 
 
I admire you A for standing up for B. But like I am not blameless. Nor is she. And now, nor are you. All four of us have had their say and made their mistakes. Unfortunately, we have all had our say and made our mistakes in my relationship. I have not involved myself in yours. And nor would I dream of doing it even though I dislike you all right now. But I dislike myself too. 
 
X is currently wrestling with his feelings. I have taken a step back. I am not going to ask him to choose between me and you again. I cannot be with him if you are around but I cannot trust him any more anyway. I have told him I cannot be with him if life continues the way it is. So currently I am single. I am heartbroken and angry. 
 
He may be back in contact with you¬†B, he may not. I don’t care as long as what little bit of what was left for just us in our relationship is kept that way. We may decide to try to work on us down the line. But that will be our choice. No one elses. And you both had better stay away from it.¬†
 
I am sorry you have lost your friend. I truly am. I am sorry things worked out the way that they did. X made decisions that hurt us all.
 
I am sorry if this email bothered you. Or if you just don’t care. Or even if it doesn’t make much sense. But I am trying to hold myself together. “

The things that make me Angry

My friend told me that her friend found it easier to get through her heartbreak by making a list of all the things he did to piss her off. So here we go.

He ruined the start of our relationship with all his lies.

He never helped clean without me nagging hi.. Even though I contributed the same if not more money and I also worked full time and I am ill.

He broke up with me on holiday, the only thing that was keeping me going after a really tough year.

He left me while I am still dealing with being diagnosed with Crohns disease. He left me just before I had an appointment scheduled with the neorologist. Which I was so nervous about.

He used to make comments about me and Mam talking to each other a lot and about me not having any friends. Or any friends living in the same country as me. Whichever comment depending on how mean he was feeling.

He never stood up for me or up for himself with other people. Too afraid of upsetting the balance.

He got back in contact with that girl only after he broke up with me. Proving in her mind the theory that I was controlling.

He controlled me by making me feel like I was controlling.

He was always emotionally removed.

He never dealt with his issues.

He gave me Chlamydia.

He told his ex girlfriend what I liked in bed and how I looked naked. This went on for 9 months of her and him playing an awful game and me getting blamed for not being okay that they were “friends”. I forgave him. And wish I never had. I still don’t understand why he chose means fought so hard for me if he never really felt right about us. He blames me for not having her every day for about a year. This is how he made me feel. One day I will post the emails I got from her.

He made me into someone who was insecure. I always questioned if I was his type. If he was happy. If I was enough. I never thought about what I wanted and needed. Until maybe the very end. And then he left.

I will leave it there. You wonder why I was ever with him right?

What would happen?

I am watching a programme about a girl, her blog goes public. 

I got to thinking, what on earth would I do? Well I am pretty sure that no one would give you a fuck. Unlike the programme I am not in school where people care about these things. Also I never talk about the people in work so I doubt they would give a rats ass. 

I would be embarrassed about my life being made public though. The only reason that I started this blog was because I always have a laptop but when I was travelling etc. it was too tough to be bringing a diary with me. 

I love my blog. It is completely me. I would miss it if it was gone. Only two people that I know actually know the link. 

For some strange reason I gave it to the boy. TBH I have censored my posts ever since. But I love him dearly and I tell him almost everything. I don’t lie, but some things are my past and only my past. That is one thing that my Mam has taught me.¬†

You have to keep some for yourself. There are some things about me that only I know. There are some things that only S knows. And others that only the boy knows. I plan to keep it that way. 

So here is to hoping that no one cares enough about a stupid tiny blog on the big bad internet.