Heartbreak

Have you ever been heartbroken? I mean truly heartbroken? I don’t know if it exists but I sure feel like it does.
 
I finally cut those apron strings, I moved in with the boy. Actually we moved twice, and everything was great. Lovely holiday in Italy the whole nine yards. 
 
But then he moved out. He moved out and broke up with me. Devastated doesn’t cover it. What are you meant to do when your world comes crashing down and you just cannot stop it? Cannot convince it to stay in place? 
 
He is going through something in himself at the moment. He doesn’t feel much and he hasn’t for a long time. But whatever he used to feel for me is now gone. Vanished. I keep on seeing things that we could do together. A deal for a cheap hotel, a meal out. Nothing is going to work. No matter how much I try I don’t think he will ever come back. 
 
That is incredibly hard for me to type. I like to fix everything but I cannot make him love me the way that I love him. The only thing I can do is give him space and pray. Pray so hard that he will come back to me. I still don’t think this will work.
 
I always said I fix boys and then they leave. 
 
I spoke to him today and he is so frustrated that he is getting mean. He isn’t him anymore. He finished it with me in the middle of town. Three years. In the middle of town. I just know that someone that is meant to love me would not do this. It is like he hates me. Or worse, he is indifferent. 
 
Meanwhile I have been going through a tough time with work, with my health. I was relying on him a lot. And now I am alone. The safety that I was always looking for, I found and now it is gone again. I crave him. I need him. 
 
Everything is so hard to get through. I don’t want to do anything if it doesn’t mean I cannot see him. Home isn’t home. I just feel lost. 
 
I have a tough day in work. Cannot wait to come home. Then remember he is gone and I feel like I will vomit and I start shaking. 
 
It brings me back to what my cousin once said to me. “People always leave you, because of you.”
 
I am the constant in the shit storm that is my life. I am not strong. I am not clever. I am nothing. Absolutely nothing special and one more person has worked it out.
 
I just feel pathetic. I feel pathetic about feeling this way. I feel pathetic about thinking about sending him this post. I feel pathetic for wanting someone so badly that wants nothing to do with me. I cannot work out if he wants nothing to do with me or he cannot have anything to do with me at the moment.
 
The more I love him. The more he backs off. It is like instead of working his feelings out. He feels more and more guilty for not being able to feel the same about me. That is not how it is meant to go. He is meant to bask in it. He is meant to let it rub off on him. 
 
What I want more then anything is to have him hold me in bed. No top on. For him to hold my head to his chest and hold me tight. Ask me about my day and tell me about his. Then ask me where tedwed is. He was doing this right until Sunday. Then he left. 
 
What the hell? How on earth am I meant to deal with the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with just leaving like that? 
 
Answers on a post card please. 
 
My Mam is coming over. Because I held a blade to my wrist and thankfully, instead of cutting. I called her. 
Advertisements