100

Wow. 100 people follow this little blog. I know on the grand scale of things it is only a small amount of people. But to me it is huge.

I haven’t told anyone who I am. So none (actually one) know who I am. The rest just follow/read about my daily life and usually the drama that seems to follow me around.

To mark the big 100 I am going to tell you about a mistake that I always, always make and never learn from. Trying to be friends with an ex in order to keep them in your life.

Shinners. You are not wired that way. When you love you love with your whole being. You cannot turn that into friendship within a week or two. Or even a month. No way. You are just going to hurt yourself by keeping on checking when he was last online and wondering if he is looking at you too.

When I was with Big. I was so easy going and relaxed. If he didn’t text back. I was never worried. I had him. He made me so comfortable and confident that I never doubted his intentions with me for a second so I didn’t worry about it. Now I don’t have him? Fuck me I have gone cray cray. Every time my phone goes I hope and wish it is him. My heart goes every time it vibrates. Every. Single. Time.

So yeah. Stop pretending that it is something you can try when you just really want him to see you just so you can see him and you want him to just change his mind.  Because you know what?  He won’t because you don’t like American football, you don’t just “slide in” to his life and you can’t have frigging kids.

And he could have had something real with you. And that freaked him the fuck out.

So fuck him and his fucking friendship.

Analyse

You know by now that I analyse a lot. I analyse current relationships and past ones. I try and learn from the past, I look at my behavior and I look at others towards me and I try to understand and move past things.

A few things that have happened.

My father tried to get in contact, Big has not offered any plausible explanation for the breakup. Be prepared for screenshots lads.

First. The message I sent to Big.

Then, my father, who found me on instagram and sent me a pm.

Excuse the bad editing skills. But WOW it has been a very emotional few days and I am pretty exhausted. I wish I was home so I could get some of that nurturing love that I need.

I know, reading this blog, it looks like I fall in love easily. I really don’t. Both with Big and PC, it was just a feeling of comfort and safety that I automatically felt. I think with PC it was heightened by the fact that it was such a whirlwind. Big is such a mystery. No reason that he has given actually rests easy. I wanted to meet today to get some answers but nadda. He doesn’t think it is a good idea so what can I do? I sent that message to him and if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow lunch I will have to delete him.

Thing is. I just really really miss him. It was two months but it felt like six, he was kind and loving till the very very end and now he has just shut his feelings off and is a stranger. Men do that so well. And funnily enough, he always had a go at me for making swooping generalisations like that about men. Because you know, he is all sensitive and shit. HA yeah right.

Sinking in

It is sinking in. Some sort of delayed reaction occurred I believe.

I had told him and told myself that I don’t want children. I don’t know. I was talking to my Australian friend and I realised something.

I can blame him sometimes because I want to be enough for my “one” but on another hand I know I can’t.

I saw what he wanted for a second. He wanted the person that he loved, huge in bed with his big meaty hands rubbing the belly and feeling the baby kick while quietly talking baby names. He wanted to know that that baby is half of his genetics and half the woman that he loves.

I can’t say that it doesn’t break my heart knowing that I will never have that with any man that I love. I will never have that choice. I want that choice.

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to realise that I would like this option. It is like I just turned all those feelings off to protect myself. I decided that I didn’t like being around children, that I didn’t want them. I did it to protect myself from dealing with the issue of not being able to have them in a healthy, sensible way.

Look. This isn’t me saying I want children. It is me saying that I really don’t know how I feel. This breaks me.

I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN

No matter how many times you say it.
No matter how many times you mean it.
People ask me why I don’t want them. They tell me I will change my mind. They say anything is possible.
Well guess what? I wish I had the choice. There are two decisions that I could make.  One is very risky and I believe to be selfish.  The other is safe and really sad for me. I chose the latter.

I meet a man and tell him.  I won’t be having children. We date. We fall in love. We spend every day for two months in love.  Discussing the future. Making plans. Even 12 hours before the fact I get a text saying that he loves me because I am strange.

Then bam.

He wants children. He wants his genetic children. He doesn’t think that our relationship is good enough for him to compromise with adoption. He isn’t mad about me. But he is in love with me. And guess what? I am heartbroken yet again.

So what can I do? Not have crohns? Risk getting sick, risk making my children sick to keep a guy? Or get dumped by a second guy because I am not the healthy normal girl they want?

You guessed it! Shinners is single again. And fairly devastated. 

Done and done

So yeah. Big blow up. It is done.

I sent a message about eight hours later apologising for my part in the argument and expressing my hope that one day we would be friends but I got nothing back.

Thing is. I found myself searching for a one way ticket home for January. And I am not going to lie. It was for him. He said he still had all the feelings for me. He loves me and I love him. But I did my usual thing of pushing too hard and now he just isn’t here. I miss him.

Anyway. I think the homesickness is also getting to me a little. I haven’t not had that horrid sinking feeling in my chest since I got here and it really does suck. I haven’t cried but I just feel the start of a depression coming on. I really do not want to feel like this. Damn black cloud. Go Away. And while that is happening. PC come here.

Anyway. I would say that more dates are happening this weekend. Not sure if I am bothered or not but fuck it. It will keep me occupied. I just won’t get a wax so I cannot make stupid decisions.

I have started my new job. I am seriously hoping that this picks up my mood.

Loving

So yeah. I fell for him. Hard. He fell for me. Harder I would guess.

We stayed in a hotel twice, the second time was a surprise from him, it was lovely and special and everything that I could have asked for.

We said “see you later” he said he would come and visit and I left. He has since decided he doesn’t want to do long distance and even see where it goes for six months. He also will not visit me. He said all of this while crying down the phone.

I had to tell him that if I come back, I won’t be coming back to him. If he doesn’t want to try for us now, then we won’t be worth it when I get back.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want a LDR, that was never the plan. But I know that life happens and I would like to see where it goes. I am not ready to say goodbye and I don’t think he is either, otherwise he wouldn’t cry. I am guessing he got a shit time of it before and he is scared of getting hurt again. Even more than that, I think he was cheated on. Something that I really wouldn’t do. It has been the most fun and honest relationship that I have ever had and I have never met someone as much on the same wave length as me.

But alas, all good things must come to an end. I am just sad that it came to an end so quickly. I think he could have been my best friend.

Dance with me

For nearly three years we had a regular conversation. It went something like this:

“Dance with me please”

“I don’t dance”

“Just once please”

“No Shinners, just leave it”

Okay. So he didn’t dance. I also never heard him sing, not even happy birthday, in three years. But anyway, about dancing.

So he never danced. I love to dance, I dance burlesque and I love it. I used to dance salsa, and I loved that, I wanted him to join me and be my partner. Three valentines days went past and I was hoping that he would take me dancing. Nadda.

We went to a nightclub with my friends once, myself and two of my friends (one guy and one girl) and he stood in the corner and didn’t move.

He went out twice this weekend, both nights he danced. He danced to the music he hates, and that I enjoy. He danced, he sweated and he moved. He also pulled twice.

Was it that I was just not the girl to make an effort for? I just keep on thinking that everything that he has done since we broke up is him being him. I don’t like some of it, but I like other bits. I just think he didn’t want to do it with me. If it was his ex, I think he would have done everything for her. But I was never her. I was never going to be her. And he still wants her. He still messages her when he is drunk. When will he realise what he had (me) and what he is chasing? He is chasing a lie.

I always thought he would hear this song, and be filled with regret. Maybe he won’t. We were never sunshine and daisies and we are better off without each other (well I will be one day) but maybe we should never have been together.

Celebrating

Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂

Wonder

I wonder if he remembers that tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of our first date. And our proper anniversary is in a month.

These dates mean nothing now I guess. I still think if my first ex on the 23rd May. But I highly doubt I will ever cross either of their minds. Men don’t get dates I guess.

Part of me thinks it would be nice to get a text. But knowing what I know it would be insincere.

I closed our joint bank account . That was tough.

Decision

I have decided that he has to come back now. I need him back and he will come back now and I am pretty sure I will forgive him. Sure I forgave him for worse didn’t I?

He said today that he loves me but he isn’t in love with me anymore and he wants someone that it is easy with. Not an uphill struggle all the time. I thought we had just gotten to that point. More fool me. I miss him so much I have to sleep with a hot water bottle even though it is boiling, just to convince myself his body is there next to me.