Anniversary

Yesterday was my one year anniversary of being diagnosed. The day before I got the amazing news that I am in remission.

This could mean that might be taken off meds all together and it is great! I am so happy that I cried in the doctors.

But for me it is sad news too. I remember making that call to Stephen and thinking to myself that everything was going to change. I am angry and upset that he couldn’t last a year of the bad tl get me back to being in remission. I didn’t even get operated on for Gods sakes!

I know in my heart that the crohns sparked the breakup and really I wasn’t happy with him and I am worth so much more than he could or would ever give me. But I gave him all of me for him to treat me like I was faulty at the first hurdle. Yes I have crohns, does that mean that I should be just traded in? Add more stress and financial worry to someone already coping with their life being overhauled.

And to add to that, he did it on holiday with no support around me. And made me feel even more like crap by comparing me to the bitch of an ex.

I am so angry at myself for caring. I stopped for so long, but then I get these pangs of just being pissed at the baldy prick. How dare he finish it with me? Just when I needed him most.

More fool him though. I am worth so much more

Celebrating

Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂

Let me down

I met a girl online that has the same problem as me.

We swapped information and I am going to the consultant tomorrow and I was hoping to give the information to my doctor to see if there is an answer.

I have had this problem for nine years. This is my first lead and it has been ripped from me because she wants to check with her fucking gp first. Argh!