Anniversary

Yesterday was my one year anniversary of being diagnosed. The day before I got the amazing news that I am in remission.

This could mean that might be taken off meds all together and it is great! I am so happy that I cried in the doctors.

But for me it is sad news too. I remember making that call to Stephen and thinking to myself that everything was going to change. I am angry and upset that he couldn’t last a year of the bad tl get me back to being in remission. I didn’t even get operated on for Gods sakes!

I know in my heart that the crohns sparked the breakup and really I wasn’t happy with him and I am worth so much more than he could or would ever give me. But I gave him all of me for him to treat me like I was faulty at the first hurdle. Yes I have crohns, does that mean that I should be just traded in? Add more stress and financial worry to someone already coping with their life being overhauled.

And to add to that, he did it on holiday with no support around me. And made me feel even more like crap by comparing me to the bitch of an ex.

I am so angry at myself for caring. I stopped for so long, but then I get these pangs of just being pissed at the baldy prick. How dare he finish it with me? Just when I needed him most.

More fool him though. I am worth so much more

Wonder

I wonder if he remembers that tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of our first date. And our proper anniversary is in a month.

These dates mean nothing now I guess. I still think if my first ex on the 23rd May. But I highly doubt I will ever cross either of their minds. Men don’t get dates I guess.

Part of me thinks it would be nice to get a text. But knowing what I know it would be insincere.

I closed our joint bank account . That was tough.

Admitting

I need to scream it. I need to tell everyone in the world. I have Crohns disease.

I will always have Crohns disease. I will never get over it. I will deal with it every day of my life. I spend all my money on tablets. I cannot eat all the food that I love.

I spent about 30 mins today with insufferable wind and a bloated stomach. I am on my period but I am pretty sure I am bleeding elsewhere also.

It becomes an elephant in the room with anyone that I meet. It is something I just want to get off my chest. I hate not saying anything because it feels like a lie.

I have not felt human since I was told. I have felt broken. I have felt unlovable, unattractive, fat. And then he left me. He left me feeling like this. I know it was hard. But I stuck through lots with him and he didn’t want to try anymore.

I am left heartbroken because I don’t love me. I don’t love my body. I am not loved by the one that I love/loved. I have been failed on all fronts.

I don’t even have it that bad. But I still feel incredibly broken.