A side of me

I saw a side of myself tonight that I didn’t like.

I finished work exhausted. I am always exhausted but with days of no sleep followed by two nights of nightmares featuring the ex, I have been particularly tired.

Basically, I was on my way home to just chill. Mam had asked me out but I am just so tired that I knew I would snap at her or my aunt and I was just better off staying away.

I called my neighbour from Lidl to ask her if she wanted anything. When she informed me that the girl she had been on a date with the night before was still at her apartment.

I got a major case of the green eye. It is not something that I am proud of. Usually I snap out pretty quickly but this time it dragged on for a while this feeling.

I am happy for her. I shouldn’t feel sad that my time with her was less because of a new interest. I should be delighted that there is an interest.

Now just to make it clear. I am not wanting her in a sexual way. It is more that I am relying too much on other people at the moment and I am ashamed that it took me so long to realise it and snap out of it.

Anyway. More sleeping pills popped. Fingers cross for no nightmares tonight. I would like to feel human again.

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Trying to fix it

So the boy is trying to fix my relationship with his friends. 

He is failing miserably.

I gave him a list and he just doesn’t get it.

1. Don’t make me feel like the third wheel. He spends his time making sure that they don’t feel awkward around me. But I never get the same treatment. 

2. Plan something that I will enjoy and then bring them along. Not drag me along to something that I hate so I am feeling uncomfortable. Our interests are just so different. 

3. Make plans when I am able to go. 

So his suggestion has been game nights, at his guy mates new house. Four of them live together. On a night that I have work the next morning. Make the plans after I have been in work for the day. At 9 pm. 

Make it so I would have to get a taxi home. When I am broke and I have been paying for EVERYTHING. So I am broke. He can walk home. I cannot. He is not in work tomorrow. He has been at a late night class so he hasn’t been home. 

He invites other people along at the same time as me. Way to make me feel special.

The end

So I haven’t written in quite a while. I am home now. But forget that for a bit.

I am going to recap what I got up to after Portland. I got home and hung out with L quite a bit, also had to get my packing etc. done. Myself and L were meant to go out for a last hurrah on the Saturday but after I pucked in the middle of the cereal aisle of Whole Foods we decided that it was probably not the best idea (I think I got a bug from the train).

Anyway M’s Mam looked after me and mothered me. Which was good because being sick makes you miss your Mam. Continue reading

Everything is moving along

So in the last 24 hours things have been falling nicely into place! I have got my flights to Hawaii booked for May and I am very excited.

I am arriving on the islands a couple of days after M and her Mam and Dad and I will be spending a couple of days on my own on O’ahu while they are off exploring another island then we will meet up. My flight home I am dreading a bit though… I have two layovers between HNL and SEA… that is a mad amount makingi t an 11.5 hour journey but I am saving $200, enough to pay for my accommodation while I am there. Continue reading

What I have been up to

Well last Friday I went to the tulip festival with M and her Mam. It was really pretty and a lovely day but unfortunately some of the blooms were not fully out.

I just ran errands on Saturday which is not really how I would have liked to have spent my day but being a guest and all it is so hard to argue. Also still have NOT had a night out here… this seriously needs to be rectified, the new dancing shoes I got are gathering dust.

Sunday I went to the pics with M’s cousin. We went to see Source Code which was “super good”. I am not going to lie; it was mainly due to the fact that Jake was in it.  Continue reading

I have arrived!

I am currently on my second day in America! What a culture shock… everything is so different.

People in shops (or stores) smile creepily at you when you walk in and “Awesome” is commonplace.  It is also very cool though. The Grocery stores are massive and there are bargins to be had! (Things can also be very expensive as well though so I think it kind of cancels out).

Plans for the holiday are still a little bit up in the air at the moment though… My friend M is still waiting to hear about work so plans can not be properly made.  The home that I am staying in is nestled in the forests and it is so pretty here.  We went to a waterfall today and because of all the rain it was very full. Continue reading