Celebrating

Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂

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What you always wanted to say

I am starting to realise that you never were the person you said you were. I knew you had lied, but never knew that your whole personality was a lie.

I guess it is nice to know now that you are just one of the lads looking for an easy lay with anyone and anything drinking loads and just acting immature. It is actually easy to deal with this.

Fact is. Since we ended, I have realised what I don’t want anymore. What I don’t want is someone lazy who was semi psychologically abusive. I don’t want someone that will do and say anything for an easy life and I don’t want someone that will pretend to be the nice guy to get some unfortunate sod into bed with you.

I am going to struggle to trust again. But fuck it. My life has improved since you left it.

Wonder

I wonder if he remembers that tomorrow is the 3 year anniversary of our first date. And our proper anniversary is in a month.

These dates mean nothing now I guess. I still think if my first ex on the 23rd May. But I highly doubt I will ever cross either of their minds. Men don’t get dates I guess.

Part of me thinks it would be nice to get a text. But knowing what I know it would be insincere.

I closed our joint bank account . That was tough.

From the beginning. Part one

So I just want to tell the story of my relationship from the beginning. Mainly to clear my own head in a safe place.

I met the OH online. We started to date and we didn’t click in person at all. But by text he was lovely, a gentleman. He made me pay half on the first date. Half of something I barely went near!

So second date comes around and we go to the cinema. I am all leaning in close and whispering in his ear. But nadda. He doesn’t once lean in to kiss me. I also didn’t even offer to pay this time 🙂 SO we ran into some of his friends and he didn’t introduce me. I thought this is it. I am done.

But he was so damn apologetic by text it wasn’t even funny. I really didn’t think he liked me seeing as he never made an effort to even lean in. But seemingly he was just nervous. So the third date came around. I told him to make a special effort. And he really did. But it fell through… there was a storm approaching so he ended up at mine, after about 4 hours of the date he finally kissed me. It was a perfect kiss… went on to have him scratch the fuck out of my back but it was all so so good.

The next weekend he came over to mine again, it was a Friday night, and I had had a date planned with the ex on the Saturday night for a long time. So he came over. We had sex three times and it was okay. Not amazing but ok. And it was fun!

The next night I stayed at the ex’s house. We basically ended it. It was a nice way to finish it all.

So back to me and the OH. The sex got better, we are into the same stuff which helps. Because I am a safety freak I asked him if he had ever had sex with no condom on before and if he had been tested. His response was “No never, and I thought I had something before but it turned out I had a urine infection so it is all good.”

On both points he was lying. I should have known. At 21 I was the 9th person that he had slept with. But I thought after 9 girls you would have the cop on to get tested and be honest about it.

About three months in we were drunkenly fumbling and I blurted out that I loved him. He didn’t say it back.

I spent a month feeling so insecure. I knew that he was in contact with all of the other 8 girls and I knew that he didn’t love me and I just didn’t understand. He invited me to a gig to meet his Ex. I accepted even if just to see if I had something to be worried about or if he just wanted me there to show me off.

I really didn’t want to go but I did. I was feeling very tired after work and I just wanted to collapse. We met her and she was his type down to the ground. Well what he had told me was his type anyway. So she went off and played some God awful music while we chatted. Then she came over and I may aswell have not existed. It was awful. Body language away from me. Not including me in conversations about people I didn’t know. Whenever I tried so say something she just spun it back around to her.

She went to chat to someone else. I told himself that I had had enough and I was off. I felt like I was playing third wheel.He let me leave, didn’t walk me out to a cab or anything. He also stayed out with her until past two in the morning. I spoke to him the next day to finish it. That was when it should hae been the end.

No More Love

I cannot seem to link a youtube page on my phone. I am telling you that you will not be sorry though. The song is amazing and powerful. It actually sums up how I feel about my ex perfectly. He was a lying bastard. He still is. Spineless and very selfish and lazy.

At a time of need I asked him to be here for me. We have been trying to be friends. I hated asking him. I hated myself. But he still somehow made it about him. And he hasn’t been here at all for me.

It really reaffirms the fact that even though I love him still. I will never be in love with him again. I could never and will never trust him. Even as my best friend.

Waking up

So every morning I am happy when I wake up. I am happy because I slept through the night. I also generally just love being in bed.

Then slowly my senses come to. I realise the person in the bathroom isn’t the love of my life (or so I thought) it is my mam. And my whole world comes crashing down yet again.

It is a feeling I dress everyday. A feeling of sickness in my stomach and my heart sinking. I can’t do anything about it. I cannot be with him.

My mam says that even if he came back now it wouldn’t work. I would never forgive him. But I have forgiven a lot more from her and him.

I told him I don’t want him back. And mostly I mean it but when I wake and feel so alone. Some days the thing that I uses to look forward to was a hug and kiss from my hairy bear. The thought of that kept me going for the whole day.

He was my sunshine. My only sunshine. He made me happy. When skies were grey.

Porn

Can it ruin a relationship? 

More to the point… will I let it ruin mine? 

Okay so it actually isn’t the porn that is bothering me. It is the lies attached to it. When we were going through some of the drama in our relationship (read below, I will not bore you with the details AGAIN) I rightly – or wrongly asked my boy not to watch porn. 

Because of comments that he had made to me about sex with other girls, how he would stare blankly at other women in the street, to name but a few problems, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. 

I found it hard to strip off, I found it hard to look in the mirror. Ffs I even posted pictures of the girls that I thought that he wanted to be with. 

Porn was also effecting our sex life. He was removed from it sometimes. Just going through the motions, and even the dirty stuff, I felt like I was just an extra in the porno that was playing in his head. 

So about 9 months ago I asked him not to watch it anymore. He would watch it A LOT. Whenever he was “bored” in fact and it was just wearing me down with everything else going on. 

He agreed and I had no reason to doubt him, until I found out he lied. 

Now this is a small lie yes. But a lie that was added on top of all the bigger lies. A lie that could have been a simple “You know what Shin? I am finding this porn thing difficult and I watched it last night.” And then we could have discussed it like adults and hopefully the problem wouldn’t have become worse. 

But no. He lied. And then I believed him again. And he lied again. So naturally the third time works a charm and up until last month I didn’t believe him. But he insisted. I found no damning evidence and I LIKE A FOOL believed and trusted him all over again. 

Well. I am definitely the fool this time. I found stuff. He admitted to it last month. Again because he was “bored” and a simple admission of the fact would have done him so many favours  But instead I am treated like the demon. He is ignoring me, even though we are in the same room. And now I am PISSED. 

Funny thing is, I have had a really bad day today with thinking about his and our past. I felt very low in my self-worth and very unattractive. I put it down to feeling a bit under the weather. But I know that my gut always tells me when there is something to find. And do you know what? BINGO.